Some say that we create our realities, that our past experiences color our current experiences & we project onto others & the world what we have experienced or expect to see. Self fulfilling prophesies.
Do you see this in action in your step life? My parents are still married. I did not experience any sort of step life until I married my husband a decade ago. I was horrified by the behavior I witnessed from his ex-wife, Beemer. She came from divorced parents, felt abandoned by her father, who was an alcoholic who had a second family (started through an affair) & who wasn't around much. Even though my husband has joint custody of his daughters & has spent 3 - 4 days a week with them since the divorce many years ago, Beemer has tried to implant notions of abandonment in them because 1) DH & Beemer are divorced 2) he remarried 3) he had two more children**(that was the big one). The facts & reality here do not match. Beemer sits on her fat ass at home eating potato chips & watching crap on TV instead of having a social life & somehow that equates to her & the girls being abandoned. She tries to make them feel like he doesn't care. When we do something particularly special with them (like trips) she tells them he is trying to buy them, then she turns around & attempts to do the same thing with them.
The more she behaves like the ass she is, the more we do not like her & have nothing to do with her, which I think makes her feelings of abandonment get stronger. Then she transfers (or tries) her own feelings to the girls.
Thoughts?
I think you should just continue doing what you're doing with your kids/skids. They'll figure out sooner or later that their mom has issues and either ignore what she says or just let it roll of their backs. I'd ignore anything "Beemer" says and anything the girls tell you that she says that is negative, I'd just say, "Well we take you on trips with us because that's what families do, they go on trips and vacations together and we really like having you girls with us cuz you're fun! You can't really stop Beemer from being a huge jerk and trying to ruin the relationship the girls have with you and their dad, but you CAN counteract her verbal diarrhea by assuring the girls that you do things for them out of love and because you enjoy having them around.
Oh, and as far as Beemer's feelings of abandonment, she either needs to get over herself and get a life, or get some sort of therapeutic help for her issues. I've always believe we are a product of our environment, but at some point in time, we have to quit blaming others for our lot in life and take the bull by the balls and make things better for ourselves. She is not your DH's problem anymore and she is not your problem either.
My parents divorced when I was 7. My father was an alcoholic. My mother was a former cheerleader who thought that she should be worshipped by all of us. She remarried when I was about 15. I absolutely LOVED my stepdad, and he and my dad even got along pretty well. We had family get-togethers that involved all three of them. I don't think that I'm "damaged" by any of that. If anything, it made me a stronger, better person. I am now stepmom to DH's two daughters, and BM is also from a divorced family. She does seem to have a lot of leftover angst and anger from that experience, and she does take it out on DH and the girls. At Christmas, this year, she got mad at us and decided not to let us see the girls at all, and she told them that we were the ones who had cancelled the plans. So, I guess it all depends on the individual.
so going into the step and blended families... I never saw any difference from step, halfs, etc. Everyone was brother or sister and to say otherwise growing up was to bring on trouble!
so, i do think i might have gone into this with rose colored glasses. I can go through family pics and see my oldest sister (dads first) playing with my oldest brother (moms first), with both moms in the back drinking i think sweet tea. It just wasnt a problem, at least not from a kids view.
i cant ever imagine anything like that happening for this mix.
Quoting momof2cuteboys:
My parents were divorced I saw my dad long enough for him to drop me off at a relatives house. But through it all my mom never trashed my father. She didn't hide his dumbassness. At 13 I stopped pretending. I told him not to get me and arranged to go to at least one family member each month for a weekend. So I think my reality has been to want BF to make our son important. I can't control the time he chooses to spend though and that is hard.
I agree with this. I expect(ed) more out of my ex than I had growing up. My father was practically non existent until the raising was done. I remember answering my grandparents phone when I was about 10 and some guy on the phone knew my name, asked me how I was doing and I went to get my grandparents... I had no clue.
I married a man whose parents were HUGE on family... I thought he'd want to stay more involved based on that. I lied to my kids for him for a few years ... by the time the oldest was 6 or 7 I stopped doing that ... I didn't bad mouth him but I didn't lie for him. He didn't show I said I didn't know why. He didn't call? I don't know why.
My parents have been married to each other all my life, my Dad had 3 children before marrying my Mom, I didn't grow up with my half-siblings, they weren't a factor in my life until I was around 15 and they wanted to meet us and it was uncomfortable, as we didn't want to meet them. For my children, I will let them be aware that their Dad has another child, so it isn't a surprise later on. Aside from that, my experience with BM confirmed for me that it is best the households are separate as it was for me growing up.
OT:what's in your purse? :)
- HawkLady747
on Feb. 4, 2012 at 12:13 PM