What is Hostile Aggressive Parenting? *edit to add url*

[paladinmom]

To spin off of the "What is PAS" post... There is another type of harsh situation that some parents use.  It is another unhealthy approach to co-parenting situations and is, what I believe, possibly more along the lines of what so many of us complain about when it comes to the way that the other parent does... (meaning, for those who constantly complain about BM doing this or that, or BD and his wife...)  So, here's some reading for you ladies!  Share your thoughts... pick it apart... Are you possibly guilty of any of this?  I have been - long ago and fixed it because I knew what was going on was NOT for the best of the children!!!

Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP) is defined as : A general pattern of behaviour, manipulation, actions or decision-making of a person (usually a parent or guardian) that either directly or indirectly; 1) creates undue difficulties or interferences in the relationship of a child with another person (usually a parent or guardian) involved with the parenting and/or rearing of the child and/or, 2) promotes or maintains an unwarranted unfairness or inequality in the parenting arrangements between a child’s parents and/or guardians and/or, 3) promotes ongoing and unnecessary conflict between parents and/or guardians which adversely affects the parenting, well-being and rearing of a child.

Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is most apparent in child-custody disputes and is used most often as a tool to align the child with one of the parents during litigation over custody or control of the child. However, HAP can be present in almost any situation where two or more people involved in a child’s life are at odds with each other over how a child may be raised or influenced by the parties. HAP can be present to some extent even when couples are still living together.

Although Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is often confused with Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), a term coined by Dr. Richard Gardner, HAP and PAS are not the same. HAP refers to the behaviours, actions and decisions of a person, whereas, PAS relates to the psychological condition of the child. In the vast majority of cases HAP is the cause of PAS.

Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is not limited to the biological parents but also applies to any guardian - grandparents, extended family members, daycare providers and to any other person who may be involved in caring and rearing of a child. In some cases, it may even involve a parent in dispute with the child’s grandparents, sometimes the parent’s very own parent! Any form of interference to a normal, healthy relationship between a child and a person (most often one of the parents) caused by another person or agency having some control or influence over the child, is wrong and ultimately causes emotional and psychological harm to the child. Throughout this document the word “parent” shall be considered synonymous with “guardian”.

Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is a very serious and damaging form of abuse and maltreatment that parents and even other family members can engage in. HAP is most often identified in individuals with controlling and bullying personalities or those with mild to severe personality disorders. HAP can be a factor in all types of parenting arrangements including sole maternal custody, sole paternal custody and joint custody. Interestingly, it is sole custodial parents who are most often reported to practice Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting, especially in its most severe form.

In general, parents exhibiting Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting have not succeeded in getting on with their own life and remain, instead, controlled by their negative emotions and continue to exercise power and control over their ex-spouse's life, their ex-spouse's parenting and to a large extent, over the children of the relationship as well. HAP parents will blame everyone else except themselves.

High degrees of conflict during custody settlements and litigation are almost sure signs in these affected families. Hostile-aggressive parents are unable to appreciate the needs of their child and in many cases view their child as a possession belonging to them and no other persons have any right to the child, especially not the child’s other parent or other persons that the HAP parent does not like. Hostile-aggressive parents will use the child as a weapon against the other spouse and family members whenever they have the opportunity. A parent engaged in Hostile-Aggressive Parenting will also take comfort in that the community in general will choose not to get involved, probably because they don’t know what to do. Angry and vindictive HAP parents are often able to bring a reign of terror and revenge on to a non-custodial parent and their family, their goal being to get them out of the child’s life or at the very least to severely damage their child’s relationship with the other parent and other parent’s family.

Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is considered by many health care and legal experts unhealthy, anti-social, abusive behaviour which is emotionally damaging and contrary interest of a child. Simply stated, it is dysfunctional parenting,emotional child abuse parent who is the target of Hostile-Aggressive Parenting, a form of discrimination. 

For anyone who wishes to know the website, here it is!  Also, if you want to go through the questionairre, it is on the main page!  I did!  And OMG is all I can say!

http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/default.asp

[DDDaysh]

Interesting. I have to wonder what else might cause PAS then though, since majority of cases implies that there are cases caused by other things. Is it possible for a child to suffer from PAS even if the alienation was caused by an abusive parent alienating themselves?

[Ms.Gwen]

HAP parents will blame everyone else except themselves.

I liked this point. BM is like Teflon!

[Ms.Gwen]

I think the article is wrong about CP being the most likely HAPs. I think it's just that they have the power to take it to a more extreme level and in that way get called on their tactics. BM here is NCP but her and her mother are text book HAPs! They use every tactic from defaming lies to bribes and even threats with SS9. He is in therapy for serious low self-esteem issues. He has even been hitting himself since BMs return. It's just sick the way they have twisted his mind! Then BM blames DH when SS doesn't want to call her!

[paladinmom]

I do believe that this is possible.  I have researched tons on PAS and HAP.  (sandeeyo calls me the "resident librarian"... lol)  However, this type of alienation is more or less the parent causing the child to form their own opinions and beliefs and choosing to disengage their relationship because that parent (the abuser) is at fault.  

It is these types of situations where the child needs to be taught that "it isn't their fault".  What happened is the abusers fault.  They can be taught that it is the result of an illness that caused the abuser to behave this way - although this must be carefully approached so that the child doesn't use that as ammunition against the abuser.  

If a child has alienated themselves from an abuser, it is a coping mechanism.  They do and will need counseling and therapy to get through the lasting after affects of being abused/neglected.

kids health dot org has some good starting points for parents and kids.  If you can't find "abuse" in the lists, type it in their search bar!  

Quoting DDDaysh:

Interesting. I have to wonder what else might cause PAS then though, since majority of cases implies that there are cases caused by other things. Is it possible for a child to suffer from PAS even if the alienation was caused by an abusive parent alienating themselves?

[paladinmom]

I agree!  It isn't just the CP that can be using HAP.  Over the summer, BM used HAP all the time!  DH was in a constant emotional state of anxiety like I'd never seen!  Not even when I was helping to pick up the pieces following the divorce proceedings!  

I have seen exactly what you speak of in our stich.  It isn't fun at all and it is a big "fight" to get the children to realize what has been going on is not right and re-train them to be who they were prior to all of this.  We are finally gaining a lot of ground with them once again.  Their new therapist and psychiatrist are wonderful!

BM blames DH that OSS refuses to speak on the phone.  When he's at home, he wants to concentrate on relationships here.  He has been hurt by BM over the past few months.  He wants to see her at times.... He wants to keep his relationship with her at her house and not at home.  He is distancing himself from her, and all at the age of 8 (9 now)!  It is so sad!!!

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

I think the article is wrong about CP being the most likely HAPs. I think it's just that they have the power to take it to a more extreme level and in that way get called on their tactics. BM here is NCP but her and her mother are text book HAPs! They use every tactic from defaming lies to bribes and even threats with SS9. He is in therapy for serious low self-esteem issues. He has even been hitting himself since BMs return. It's just sick the way they have twisted his mind! Then BM blames DH when SS doesn't want to call her!

[lilangilyn]

This is not the definition of PAS. If the abusive parent caused the relationship to go bad, that is not anything close to PAS. It takes a third party doing the alienating of a target parent who is otherwise innocent of wrongdoing.

Quoting DDDaysh:

Interesting. I have to wonder what else might cause PAS then though, since majority of cases implies that there are cases caused by other things. Is it possible for a child to suffer from PAS even if the alienation was caused by an abusive parent alienating themselves?

[lilangilyn]

My ex at first was hostile and aggressive. He did not believe me when I said I wanted a divorce and when I physically left him and went to live with a family friend he went ape-shit with the children. He told them I needed to be put in a mental home and that if they didn't do what he said, he would start the proceedings. There were other things as well including interfering with my time with them. He did calm down though. For that I am thankful to his wife who took his attention off his poor pitiful me state.

[Mommy0505]

Very interesting & strikes a chord.

So if this is measurable and can be documented (evidence of patterns in behavior) AND is considered abusive behavior that is emotioally damaging to the child... could this be used as a stepping stone to proving emotional abuse (which seems nearly impossible to "prove") and be held against a parent?

Just a train of thought that came out of reading it.

Many times people can see the negative consequences and turmoil a child suffers from such interactions but is often not considered "proveable" so action to prevent or change the circumstances can be nearly impossible.

[DDDaysh]

The above seemed to imply otherwise. If other adults (because it said not only parents could HAP) are not the PAS cause, then what is?

I understand that PAS is different from RAD though, if that is what you were suggesting.

Quoting lilangilyn:

This is not the definition of PAS. If the abusive parent caused the relationship to go bad, that is not anything close to PAS. It takes a third party doing the alienating of a target parent who is otherwise innocent of wrongdoing.

Quoting DDDaysh:

Interesting. I have to wonder what else might cause PAS then though, since majority of cases implies that there are cases caused by other things. Is it possible for a child to suffer from PAS even if the alienation was caused by an abusive parent alienating themselves?

[paladinmom]

It will take a large amount of docmentation, but, it can be proved.  It could definitely take a large hit on financing tho' with attys fees and perhaps counseling (if it is bad enough) and such.  Some people (through my reading/research) have been able to beat it and prove emotional abuse.  It took quite some time with therapy and documentation.... I've read of some cases.  (literally, court cases!)

Quoting Mommy0505:

Very interesting & strikes a chord.

So if this is measurable and can be documented (evidence of patterns in behavior) AND is considered abusive behavior that is emotioally damaging to the child... could this be used as a stepping stone to proving emotional abuse (which seems nearly impossible to "prove") and be held against a parent?

Just a train of thought that came out of reading it.

Many times people can see the negative consequences and turmoil a child suffers from such interactions but is often not considered "proveable" so action to prevent or change the circumstances can be nearly impossible.