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I found Cafe Mom and joined this group today cause I need help!

Posted by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 12:41 PM
  • 12 Replies

I need some help. I am considering counselling but for alot of reasons haven't done it yet. I am new here. I have 3 bio children. 2 from previous marriage daughter 12 and son 9 and their dad is great. Very involved and we all get along. 1 step daugther 11 and one bio son together 5. I met hubby when step daughter was 3. We have been married 6 yrs and she has lived with us full time since then. Hubby has custody and her mom always follows whoever her boyfriend is so she has moved around a lot. Latest one is in Jail in another state for dealing drugs so bio-mom moved there over a year ago. Its a 4 hour drive. She sees her daughter on breaks for school and a couple of weeks in the summer. So usually about 4 times a year. Pays no child support because hubby has never pushed it. And doesn't do anything for daugther except give excuses and cry about how horrible her life is.  Bio-mom doesn't cause us any trouble now but she did in the beginning. Now the big problem the last year has been that step daughter and her mom bond by talking bad about me and the family. She talks to her mom about once a week and the whole time they are on the phone she complains about everything from how mean I am to her brothers being spoiled or her sister getting something she didn't. Her mom encourages it then says she will take care of it. She does that by sending mean text messages to hubby about how bad we treat step daugther. He never replies and always ignores her.  Now she is talking bad about us to a couple of the mutual friends her and her sister share. I know it is somewhat the age but this one is tough for me because I don't know how to deal with it. She lies also about things that happens or will blow it way up saying no one cares about her. Anyone else had this problem. I know I shouldn't take it personal but it hurts that she will talk so bad behind our back but then be sweetie sweetie to our faces. I have talked to her but she just closes up and says nothing is wrong.

by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 12:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:00 PM
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I am so sorry. Sd obviously so badly wants to bond with her mom that she will say anything. She also probably has some fantasy of what it would be like to live with her mom because she feel abandon by her. Maybe she like her mom saying things like "dont worry i will fix it...etc" it lets her know her mom still cares...it is a fantsy. Poor girl....How do you know bm isn't making it up? How do you know she is really saying these things.
tiredmama42
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:24 PM
1 mom liked this

I think kids do this because they are trying to put a guilt trip on the other parent.   I have 4 SD's,  1 DD and 1 DS.  My SDD's all talk awful about their BM.  My DD talked awful about her father and SM.  My DS would actually make up stuff at times to make it sound so so bad.     These kids dont realize how good they have it some times ...but I do understand being split families is hard on kids.   Its dishearting to hear this stuff.. but when I did and it was about me I always let them know I heard and I let them know my feelings were hurt.   When the others complain about the other side of their families I listen but stay out of it without reaction.  I would say the other parent is right or wrong except the ones over 18 I will sometimes voice a opinion.     I wouldnt take it to heart but your SD is old enough to realize she is being hurtful towards you and I think maybe alot of her words used when talking to BM is actually to make the BM feel bad for her...  kind of a attention thing.   

pepper504
by Platinum Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:26 PM


Quoting zannahdeux:

I am so sorry. Sd obviously so badly wants to bond with her mom that she will say anything. She also probably has some fantasy of what it would be like to live with her mom because she feel abandon by her. Maybe she like her mom saying things like "dont worry i will fix it...etc" it lets her know her mom still cares...it is a fantsy. Poor girl....How do you know bm isn't making it up? How do you know she is really saying these things.

This...

Momato4
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:48 PM

Well I know because she spent a couple of days with her mom over Christmas break and her mom is in a really bad spot and about to be homeless again because the ppl she is living with told her she had a week to find another place to live so when sd got home she acted really depressed. When we asked her what was wrong and how her trip went she started crying and ran to her room. I went in there to talk to her and she just opened up and told me that she has been talking to her mom about her life because her mom keeps saying that she has it so good. So she said she told her some things and her mom said she would take care of it. I never told sd her mom texted. We have learned over the years to ignore her when she does that.  Anyways it has been a roller coaster for sure. Sd is worried to death about her mom and I cant do anything right all the sudden. Shewww thanks for listening

Momato4
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:54 PM

I know you all are right. She has always longed for her mom and she does even lie to her friends about her mom like one time I got her this jacket and she told them her mom got it for her when her mom has not bought her anything in years. Anyway how do I help her through this. I cant let her think it is ok and it is driving a wedge between her and her sister. They are a year apart but in the same grade so her sister hears it all.

Faeta
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 9:43 PM
welcome to the group!

have you tried the school councelor?

i agree with the other posters it might be a bonding thing/ attention thing.

she wants to connect with her mom (what girl doesnt?) and if she said how great you are... How would that go over?

but how bad it is... And surely that will invoke a response to care?
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JustaSM231
by on Feb. 10, 2012 at 11:24 AM

It sounds like your SD is a people-pleaser and is trying to bond with her BM in the only way she can.  But it's not right and your SD needs to know that.  My oldest SD was and is a people-pleaser and could not stand up to anyone and was making herself miserable.  3 years of counseling helped.  Maybe it's time to get your SD into counseling so she can understand from a neutral party healthy ways of understanding her BM and finding ways of bonding with her BM and addressing her issues with her BM.  It sounds like your SD wants so much for her BM to care for her, she has to make up things like BM buying her the coat to make herself feel like BM cares about her.  My SD has found a way of bonding with her BM, and at first I admit I was very jealous that my SD and BM were starting to have a bond together after many years of emotional manupulation and verbal abuse, but then I see it is sometimes a very superficial "friendship" bond and realize that may be the only way SD will ever have a relationship with her BM so it's not my place to judge their relationship.  Hang in there and try to reassure SD that you want her to have a relationship with BM, but a healthy, honest one.

aznblond9
by on Feb. 10, 2012 at 11:37 AM

Your step daughter is searching for attention. At this age they will do whatever it takes to get attention even if they have to lie to get it. All you can do is just talk to her and perhaps, sit her down and talk to her but let your husband do it. YOu should be there but let ur husband does the talking.

I have been there more than once. I know how frustrating that can be. My stepson doesnt live with us. He comes over quite often and 8 weeks during summer.  SS has lied to get attention and i caught him and sat him down with husband and i called him out on it. He is 15 though. SS also told a lot of people that we treated him badly and differently then our kids. Not true. We found out but left it alone. Just starved for attention. He still does it but we ignore.

zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Feb. 11, 2012 at 9:41 AM
1 mom liked this
Oh I am really sad for ad...can you get her counseling? She really needs helps to work through this one....
1FlMom1
by on Feb. 11, 2012 at 5:23 PM


Quoting Momato4:

I know you all are right. She has always longed for her mom and she does even lie to her friends about her mom like one time I got her this jacket and she told them her mom got it for her when her mom has not bought her anything in years. Anyway how do I help her through this. I cant let her think it is ok and it is driving a wedge between her and her sister. They are a year apart but in the same grade so her sister hears it all.

The problem is definitely the longing for her mother.  Making you the cause of the problem lessens the hurt from being essentially abandoned by her mother. 

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