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needing oppinions and advise on handling the differences

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 8:59 AM
  • 7 Replies

Got a question for you ladies. Up until now my DH and I have had a system for how we deal with punishment and handling the kids when the other isn't home. Some time has past, things have evolved and now we have reached a point where we need to re-evaluate our system. We usually can talk through about any situation as it arises and come to a solution. But lately it's been a very touchy subject. Long story short, after a good talk last night it became obvious that some of the things my BD does, my DH thinks is a bigger deal than what I think they are and the same in the reverse. Some things my 2 SS's do that I think is a bigger deal than my DH does. Most things we agree on but there is little behaviors and actions with all the kids that either my DH or I don't see in the same importance. We work through most things but this seems to be a revolving problem. How do you gals handle this type of thing with your DH's? 

by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 8:59 AM
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Mommy0505
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 9:54 PM
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It really depends on the offenses, I think.

Both should try to be objective when it comes to the other's kids.  And both should be open to differing perspectives since we all know that bio-kids are seen in a different light than any other kids on earth.  Honestly... I would be very grossed out by projectile vomit dripping down myself it weren't my son's (just one example, lol), instead I feel bad for him and try everything to 1st comfort him and clean myself up last.

If one person can't stand kids saying the word 'suck', like as in "that totally sucks!" yet the other doesn't see the issue (it's a phrase, they come and go with the times - not a swear word, etc..) then one parent needs to concede.  My hubby hates that phrase very much.  I do not feel as strongly (in the opposing perspective) so I enforce his opinion on the topic. I do not let the kids say it.

You both need to evaluate how strongly you feel on each topic and then compromise. =)

paladinmom
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:06 PM

very well said!

Quoting Mommy0505:

It really depends on the offenses, I think.

Both should try to be objective when it comes to the other's kids.  And both should be open to differing perspectives since we all know that bio-kids are seen in a different light than any other kids on earth.  Honestly... I would be very grossed out by projectile vomit dripping down myself it weren't my son's (just one example, lol), instead I feel bad for him and try everything to 1st comfort him and clean myself up last.

If one person can't stand kids saying the word 'suck', like as in "that totally sucks!" yet the other doesn't see the issue (it's a phrase, they come and go with the times - not a swear word, etc..) then one parent needs to concede.  My hubby hates that phrase very much.  I do not feel as strongly (in the opposing perspective) so I enforce his opinion on the topic. I do not let the kids say it.

You both need to evaluate how strongly you feel on each topic and then compromise. =)


“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.” -Louisa May Alcott

mamajules311
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:11 PM
I have the same issue, and wish I had an answer. My husband hydraulic to conclusions with my dd. He will start to say something or discipline and she will say something back trying to defend herself, or he will see something on the floor and because she has a habit of leaving things around, he will jump her case, and its not hers. Stupid little things. We struggle because my dd bf was not around basically the first 4 years my husband and I were together so he treats her like she's his. In some aspects I think its great, but the other hand, it drives me nuts.
If I start to discipline her over something and he thinks its not enough he will jump in.
I never, never have done that with him and my SS. I always let him discipline unless he's not here. And the most I do with SS is time outs. It's frustrating. He came from a military style up bringing and I came from a you have a choice back ground.. So its he's always to hard and I'm not hard enough. So, I'm with ya, and hope to see some helpful responses.
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mamajules311
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:13 PM
Oops, not hydraulic. Stupid phone. I meant jump. Lol
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chezlapin
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:14 PM

Don't expect to be impartial. As much as we would like to, that won't happen. If both parties start accusing how "important" and "major" the other party's behavior is...stay away, let the parent be the one to handle it.

Don't fight about it, just accept you have ONE kid to educate.Let your partner educate his own.


www.chezlapinjustastepmom.com

newwife1
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:18 PM

I don't have any kids, so thankfully there are no other children being affected by SS's behavior issues. What I did was when SS at BM's I had an honest talk with DH and gently said to him that he needs to look at the situation from an outside perspective and see the damage he is doing to his son. That when a child 12 years old screams and throws things and gets violent to get his way, you DON'T reward that behavior with a trip to GameStop or Toys R Us and could he possibly see how his doing this is teaching his child a very bad lesson? How it will teach the kid that when someone says no you scream and throw a fit until they give  in because in SS's world they ALWAYS give in.

When he stepped back and saw that sometimes it's the more loving thing to actually say no and set some sort of limits rather than encourage negative behavior he stopped doing it as much.

I think explaining your reasons in a calm, logical manner and not accusing or "attacking" (as men usually see it lol) really helps.

chanizen
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:20 PM
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I tend to discipline my dd and he does ss.

You (the general you). Tend to tolerate your own kids misdeeds better and sometimes have more context.

And just knowing that sometimes it won't be smooth. And talking instead of counting up offenses. Sometimes you just need to let things play out too.
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