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Why is this hitting such a sore spot?

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:34 PM
  • 26 Replies

In another forum this was posted, I rarely respond to hot topic issues, but oh my this is getting under my skin.  Why? I think it is manily the title.


I wish my Stepdaughter didn't exist.

Not that she would disappear just that she never existed. If id known when i married dh that shed end up having so many probs that wed be focusing all our time on fixing her and getting her mentally ok i dont know if id have married. She was a sweet lil girl and 6 yrs later shes a hordible teen trying to get prego. She said she hated her mom wanted to live witg us ok she moved in i shoved my two bio kids boy and girl in a room together so she could have a room all to herself hired a decorator and anything she wanted and she thanked us by getting caught with 2 boys in her room. I dont know what to do. Right now shes in an intesive inpatient program, shes gonna graduate late because of it, we drained our savings to pay for it cuz bio mom is unemployed. My bio kidsare suffering i know they are because they ask me why i love her more because i only talk about her and we only deal with her stuff.

Adding that when she gets out of this program she needs constant supervision and homeschooling so i had to put in notice my job ive had for 9 years and dh will have to find a second job to make up for my lost income. Until youve been where i am you cant tell me how to feel. Yea i put this out here but its ridiculous so many non stepparents or those who never did this who have opinions.


by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
maria1613
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:37 PM

Wow, I don't even know what to say to that.....


My SD drives me off the wall at times but to wish she never existed???!!! That's crazy!!!

PROGENITOR
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:42 PM
3 moms liked this

It may sound bad, but I think I understand where this lady is coming from. I have a family member like that. It would have been better if this family member just never existed. Her own child has has that she thinks we'd be better of if her mother just died.....and the rest of the family agrees.....even if it is an ugly thing to think.  Some people are just that draining and toxic.

Now this is a child/teem, and that is probably why it bothers you.

But decades down the road, when this teen (hopefully not, but maybe) is still a toxic drain on society and her family.....then what?

I wonder what her parents did to create this?

SM can feel this way, she has no obligation to this child. And who is to say that the child'd own parents have never felt this way, if even for just a second? I'm sure it has crossed their minds.

If I were that SM I'd be bitter and upset, too. I don't know that I would stick around to focus on the SK though. I'd likely be putting my own kids first. The SK wouldn't be my problem to deal with.

allornone
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:44 PM

It bothers me too. 

On the other hand it sounds like she is feeling angry and resentful.  It also sounds like she does not have the support of her dh.  If she is quitting her job that she enjoys and makes her independent it is hard to give that up.  She has to take care of this child that made poor decisions.  Yes, she knew that she would become a sm when she married dh but it sounds like the child became more trouble as time has progressed.  She is probably angry that she has to take time away from her children if not all her time to focus on negative attention. 

My suggestion to this mom would be to step back.  Put the child in private school.  Keep your job and do not carry all of the burden for dh and bm.  But than again she is being a her real mom. 

4and1mom
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:50 PM
I seen this post and figured ppl would freak but really op is venting, she has a right too, personally I think she has done more than I would be willing to do for this girl. I would never make my son and daughter share a room just bc sk was moving in, I would have made the two girls share a room. I would never make my own go with out or feel less loved to help this other child who is behaving so poorly..... op is human and she is having human emotions
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Melina74
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:52 PM

Agreed.  I wouldn't be quitting my job either to homeschool this girl.  BM is unemployed accordingto the post, why in the hell couldn't she do it?  

Quoting PROGENITOR:

It may sound bad, but I think I understand where this lady is coming from. I have a family member like that. It would have been better if this family member just never existed. Her own child has has that she thinks we'd be better of if her mother just died.....and the rest of the family agrees.....even if it is an ugly thing to think.  Some people are just that draining and toxic.

Now this is a child/teem, and that is probably why it bothers you.

But decades down the road, when this teen (hopefully not, but maybe) is still a toxic drain on society and her family.....then what?

I wonder what her parents did to create this?

SM can feel this way, she has no obligation to this child. And who is to say that the child'd own parents have never felt this way, if even for just a second? I'm sure it has crossed their minds.

If I were that SM I'd be bitter and upset, too. I don't know that I would stick around to focus on the SK though. I'd likely be putting my own kids first. The SK wouldn't be my problem to deal with.


raerae725
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:52 PM

I would like to think I would leave if I ever got that resentful towards a SK.  I have a lot of resentment towards DH for things regarding SD.  I am not good at letting things go, but I keep the resentment towards the adult responsible for putting me in that the situation not the child who didn't mean to make the situation happen.  Does that make sense at all? 

I have an adult in my life that most people think that way about.  I try and think maybe one day he will change although in my mind I don't think it would happen.  


chanizen
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:59 PM
1 mom liked this
My ss is very difficult. There are days I need a break. And there have been days i have been so mad I couldn't speak to him. The day he almost drowned dd and then laughed about it was such a day.

But to think his life is worthless? To wish him out of existence? That is giving up hope. It is putting down a human being as irrelevant. I think that takes away from all of us.

I think this woman is speaking from frustration and anger and helplessness. But she is also making choices that drive her further into that space.

I think her situation is sad. And that she finds the internal calm and strength she will need to deal with this.
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raerae725
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:01 PM

I think you are right.  The wording in the OP just struck a nerve in a big way for me.  I am not sure why.  I get that everyone needs to vent.  I just don't think I saw it that way until some of the responses.  

Quoting 4and1mom:

I seen this post and figured ppl would freak but really op is venting, she has a right too, personally I think she has done more than I would be willing to do for this girl. I would never make my son and daughter share a room just bc sk was moving in, I would have made the two girls share a room. I would never make my own go with out or feel less loved to help this other child who is behaving so poorly..... op is human and she is having human emotions


4and1mom
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:08 PM
I struggle with the resentment thing too, its so hard to not be that way towards SD but I know its really DH that is the problem bc he isn't fixing the problem.
How do you keep your resentment intact? I know this ot of post but I'm always looking for better way to handle this problem.


Quoting raerae725:

I would like to think I would leave if I ever got that resentful towards a SK.  I have a lot of resentment towards DH for things regarding SD.  I am not good at letting things go, but I keep the resentment towards the adult responsible for putting me in that the situation not the child who didn't mean to make the situation happen.  Does that make sense at all? 

I have an adult in my life that most people think that way about.  I try and think maybe one day he will change although in my mind I don't think it would happen.  


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sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:12 PM

I don't like that she wishes her sd didn't exist, but I feel for the poster that she has to quit the job that she's had for a long time to babysit a teen kid that's not even HER child.  Her kids think that she cares about her step more than she cares about them and under the circumstances, that opinion will only get worse the more she does for her skid.  If this were me, the marriage would be pretty much giving it's death rattle, mainly because I wouldn't want my biokid to suffer.  It doesn't seem right that SMOM has to do all the work.  I get that DH has to work and make up for the lost income, but why can't BM do the babysitting...she's UNEMPLOYED!

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