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BM wants them back

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 9:25 PM
  • 14 Replies

I am so tired of this lady and I haven't even met her!

A little back story: BM has had 100% custody of SS since he was 5 years old, up until last year (SS is almost 15 now) and DF only got to see his son once a year because BM lives in Cali and we live in PA. October 2010 she called us crying about how she cannot handle SS and he needs a man in his life to show him what's right and wrong. She was also saying something about how SS molested his younger brother, but I am not sure how true that is. Needless to say, with no concern to our situation, she sent him to us barely a week later. At that time we were between apartments and was staying with MIL, so we had to scramble to get everything ready in less than a week so SS would not have to be in the horrible school district MIL lives in.

Now, at the time, SS came to us getting F's in every class, truant on a nearly daily basis, and reading/writing & math on a 4th grade level, despite being in 7th grade (with being held back a year no less). We made sure we got ourselves in an apartment in a quite expensive area of town to make sure he got into the school with a great IEP program. It was very difficult for us, but it was so worth it because he made amazing strides over the past year and is at about 6th - 7th grade levels for his schoolworks. During this entire year, SS's mom never once called him, he always called her. She changes her number like I change my undies and never lets him know so half the time he calls her its someone else. It's really sad but obviously he still loves her because that's his mommy.

Anyway, I don't have ANY clue what is going on on her end right now but she is pulling some crazy moves! Last month, she called and asked my DF if she could come live with him!!!!! Knowing full well we are together and very happy!! I know she knows about me because SS talks about me to her! And then she called to speak to SS for the first time ever, crying on the phone (I know because she called my cellphone). Apparently she weeped to SS about how much she misses him and wants him back so bad and she is so so so sorry... Well of course this makes SS really sad and he wants to see her so much but she apparently doesn't have any money to have him visit...

I feel really bad for SS and the fact she is doing this to him, but in the back of my mind I think it's a money thing. I was really shocked when she asked DF if she could come back to him.... and now she is wanting SS to come back too?! I don't really know what to think of this lady... AND to think I was considering saving MY OWN money to help buy a plane ticket so he could see her! It's just too sad. And on top of that, I am scared to have him visit her period, what if she decides to keep him there? She did that when he was little and we can not afford a lawyer.

Sorry it got so long I just needed to vent on this f'ed up crap... I hate what she is doing to SS and it maddens me that he will love her through it but then act like I am the worst thing to ever happen to him sometimes when I know I have his best interests at heart.

by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 9:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 9:38 PM

sounds like she ran out of money and doesn't know what else to do...be careful. she doesnt sound stable. If she cant get ss to her or she cant get to ss then stay out of it...

paladinmom
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:28 PM

It sounds like DF and you have worked very hard over the past year to get SSs learning pretty close to where it should be!  If he was truant continuously and now is not, I would say that you guys are doing a good job.  Keep it up!  

Is there a CO concerning your DF having custody?  

whatIknownow
by on Feb. 13, 2012 at 9:11 AM

I would probably try to stay out of it. This is really between SS and his dad and mom. It's nice that you care about him but they have to decide what to do.

Can you elaborate on " he acts like I am the worst thing to ever happen to him?" What do you do that he doesn't like?

lilangilyn
by on Feb. 13, 2012 at 9:19 AM


Quoting whatIknownow:

I would probably try to stay out of it. This is really between SS and his dad and mom. It's nice that you care about him but they have to decide what to do.

Can you elaborate on " he acts like I am the worst thing to ever happen to him?" What do you do that he doesn't like?

How like you to pick this one sentence out of a slew of others. Obviously the kid has a disturbed mom, a guilt inducing mom, a mom without boundaries, and you pick this sentence... Now the poor lady will come back with some kind of petty something that the kid said in a moment of adolescent angst and you will pick it to death because that is what you do. Why does she need to elaborate on this one sentence? She feels unappreciated while the mom from hell is loved.

OP, I wouldn't tell this person one more thing. You gave enough background about your situation for her to have a slew of good advice if she wanted to give it. Anything you give this person will be filed away to be used later, out of context.

whatIknownow
by on Feb. 13, 2012 at 9:29 AM

Some people will try to prevent you from getting help, OP. It is a shame they have to sabotage your thread.

I asked the question because the dynamic between you and your SS is significant to your situation. If the relationship between you and SS is dysfunctional (ie, you don't get along), that is even  more reason why you should stay out of this issue between BF and BM... because you won't be able to help, and you will be spinning your wheels and frustrating yourself.

happyfeet215
by on Feb. 13, 2012 at 9:41 AM

Daddy needs to talk to BM about manipulation.  It is not fair to put her problems on your SS.  He needs to lay down guidelines of conversations.......not to necessarily prevent them to talk or to monitor what they talk about.......but stop the manipulation.  He is 13?  He has his own problems of learning about life that comes with that age.

Daddy (and you) also needs to over praise his son so he has no question how proud of how far he has come!

If you cannot afford a plane ticket for an actual visit (it is not your responsibility, it is hers) consider allowing them to skype.  That way they will be able to see each other until she can afford a visit. 

I agree, it sounds like you are doing a great job with him!

Bellabunnie00
by on Feb. 13, 2012 at 9:44 AM


Quoting whatIknownow:

I would probably try to stay out of it. This is really between SS and his dad and mom. It's nice that you care about him but they have to decide what to do.

Can you elaborate on " he acts like I am the worst thing to ever happen to him?" What do you do that he doesn't like?

Thanks for all the replies, guys, I really appreciate it!

Well he doesn't like the fact that I have rules and if they are broken there are consequences. For example, when he first came to us he had a bad habit of leaving the door unlocked in the morning when he left for school. First we had a talk about it... then he actually left the door OPEN one morning... another talk, saying if he did it again he would be grounded.. then he actually left the keys in the door!!! Then acted like the world was ending when he was punished!!! Granted, maybe I do take it a bit personally, considering he was never punished with his mom and he is just not used to it. But the kid is 15 years old, and he ruins my stuff! He would never touch his father's stuff like that. He should know better. 


I guess the hard thing for me is after this year of working really hard with him and getting his life back on track -- which has taken nearly 100% of our time and attention -- and she is trying to guilt him into coming back to stay with her is just depressing to me. 

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Feb. 13, 2012 at 9:46 AM
2 moms liked this
Oh you mean liike the 100 or so petty actions of adolescent angst your now 18 year old has demonstrated over the years that you still keep harping about?


Quoting lilangilyn:



Quoting whatIknownow:

I would probably try to stay out of it. This is really between SS and his dad and mom. It's nice that you care about him but they have to decide what to do.

Can you elaborate on " he acts like I am the worst thing to ever happen to him?" What do you do that he doesn't like?

How like you to pick this one sentence out of a slew of others. Obviously the kid has a disturbed mom, a guilt inducing mom, a mom without boundaries, and you pick this sentence... Now the poor lady will come back with some kind of petty something that the kid said in a moment of adolescent angst and you will pick it to death because that is what you do. Why does she need to elaborate on this one sentence? She feels unappreciated while the mom from hell is loved.

OP, I wouldn't tell this person one more thing. You gave enough background about your situation for her to have a slew of good advice if she wanted to give it. Anything you give this person will be filed away to be used later, out of context.


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Sumintrak
by on Feb. 13, 2012 at 9:49 AM

You are doing a great job. I personally say, get a CO of some sort. DF should have some legal documentation of some sort. And how rude for her to ask him if she could come back to him... Watch her, and watch her well. Go with your instinct :)

whatIknownow
by on Feb. 13, 2012 at 9:57 AM


Quoting Bellabunnie00:


Quoting whatIknownow:

I would probably try to stay out of it. This is really between SS and his dad and mom. It's nice that you care about him but they have to decide what to do.

Can you elaborate on " he acts like I am the worst thing to ever happen to him?" What do you do that he doesn't like?

Thanks for all the replies, guys, I really appreciate it!

Well he doesn't like the fact that I have rules and if they are broken there are consequences. For example, when he first came to us he had a bad habit of leaving the door unlocked in the morning when he left for school. First we had a talk about it... then he actually left the door OPEN one morning... another talk, saying if he did it again he would be grounded.. then he actually left the keys in the door!!! Then acted like the world was ending when he was punished!!! Granted, maybe I do take it a bit personally, considering he was never punished with his mom and he is just not used to it. But the kid is 15 years old, and he ruins my stuff! He would never touch his father's stuff like that. He should know better. 


I guess the hard thing for me is after this year of working really hard with him and getting his life back on track -- which has taken nearly 100% of our time and attention -- and she is trying to guilt him into coming back to stay with her is just depressing to me. 

With a teenager coming into the household, it's generally a good idea to let *all* discipline be done by the Dad. You can let Dad handle all discipline going forward and that might help your relationship. Unfortunately if he resents you for overstepping your boundries by acting like a parent when he barely knows you, that resentment will overshadow all the good you've done for him.

I imagine it would be depressing and disheartening to see a year's worth of work go down the drain, if he returns to her and returns to his old habits.  But if his father decides to let him return to her, you just have to accept that and focus on something else.  Is there a CO in place? Is anyone paying child support (or did your boyfriend pay CS in the past?)

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