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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

I'm just wondering how you go about this.  SO and I have three kids altogether and they're very close in age.  Just recently, if I tell SS4 no on something or to go to something he doesn't way to do (like brush his teeth) he is on the verge of tears.  When we're all in the house together (I have 50/50 with my ex) I am the primary caregiver.  But if I disengage, then do I not keep him in our routine and leave it up to his dad?  To what extent should I take this?  Direct him to his father when he does something wrong? 

I am much more routine oriented than SO and if SS isn't folded into the girls' routines, SO will let him pretty much do whatever he wants.  This seems rather unfair to my DDs if they have to go to bed at 8pm and SO lets SS stay up until whenever.

Just wondering how others handle this.  Thanks!!

 

by on Feb. 14, 2012 at 1:01 PM
Replies (11-20):
Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Feb. 14, 2012 at 4:28 PM


Quoting Dana333810:

Disengaging is pretty easy for me. I stop talking to them. (DH and SS). I let DH take care of what ever it is that's going on. If SS is doing something bad, I tell DH to go take care of (what ever it is) If it starts to get too stressful, I shut myself in the bathroom with lots of candles, music, and a scorching hot bath until I'm relaxed enough to make an appearance back into the zoo that I call my house. lol If DH still hasn't tamed SS, I will do my thing with my girls, tuck them away into bed, and hit the hay myself.

I don't stress myself out over it, and you really shouldn't either. I'm sorry, but you are responsible for your own happiness, you have to make it. Take care of you and your DD's first, and let DH handle SS. My life has been soooo much more peaceful since I started doing this! Much, much thanks to some of the ladies on this board!!!!!!!!


This is something I just started doing this past weekend!!! After the mayhem I went through-NO MORE-DH isn't happy about being woken up at 8am after going to bed at 3-but tough cookies.

Now I'm starting to realize how much calmer I can be-and how calm my blood pressure stays.

in love Katboy n girlteen girl

darrensmom11
by on Feb. 14, 2012 at 4:49 PM
Im a routine momma as well. My sk were 2&4 whn i Gt them. Kids need routine and organization. Especially thse from mixed families. I suggest to frst tlk to ur husband to make sure he will bak u up 100%. It wnt wrk if he doesnt. If u tell ur ss to brush hs teeth and he wants to cry..thn let him cry..jst make sure hes brshng his teeth while doing so. If u let him slide just cz hes whining thn hes gona knw tht wth a lil persistnt on his part he cn gt away w/stuff. Keep the sameroutine with all kids. Tough love in tht area. Its not like ur asking the imossible. My sd cried for months when she first came to live wth us. She hated bed time. So out poured the watr works EVERY NITE. Its so much better now. They know whts expected of them. My dh and I fought a bit for months too cuz I had a hrd time showing him and explaing how his kids needed a routine to stick to. He thought I was being too strict but he finally saw the lite. .the family relationship prt improved so much once both of us were 100% on the same page. stick to ur guns...it will take time though. Good luck.
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packermomof2
by on Feb. 14, 2012 at 5:09 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting darrensmom11:

Im a routine momma as well. My sk were 2&4 whn i Gt them. Kids need routine and organization. Especially thse from mixed families. I suggest to frst tlk to ur husband to make sure he will bak u up 100%. It wnt wrk if he doesnt. If u tell ur ss to brush hs teeth and he wants to cry..thn let him cry..jst make sure hes brshng his teeth while doing so. If u let him slide just cz hes whining thn hes gona knw tht wth a lil persistnt on his part he cn gt away w/stuff. Keep the sameroutine with all kids. Tough love in tht area. Its not like ur asking the imossible. My sd cried for months when she first came to live wth us. She hated bed time. So out poured the watr works EVERY NITE. Its so much better now. They know whts expected of them. My dh and I fought a bit for months too cuz I had a hrd time showing him and explaing how his kids needed a routine to stick to. He thought I was being too strict but he finally saw the lite. .the family relationship prt improved so much once both of us were 100% on the same page. stick to ur guns...it will take time though. Good luck.

It looks like most of your vowel keys aren't working.

Dana333810
by on Feb. 14, 2012 at 5:12 PM

Two words.

Keyboard vomit.


Quoting packermomof2:


Quoting darrensmom11:

Im a routine momma as well. My sk were 2&4 whn i Gt them. Kids need routine and organization. Especially thse from mixed families. I suggest to frst tlk to ur husband to make sure he will bak u up 100%. It wnt wrk if he doesnt. If u tell ur ss to brush hs teeth and he wants to cry..thn let him cry..jst make sure hes brshng his teeth while doing so. If u let him slide just cz hes whining thn hes gona knw tht wth a lil persistnt on his part he cn gt away w/stuff. Keep the sameroutine with all kids. Tough love in tht area. Its not like ur asking the imossible. My sd cried for months when she first came to live wth us. She hated bed time. So out poured the watr works EVERY NITE. Its so much better now. They know whts expected of them. My dh and I fought a bit for months too cuz I had a hrd time showing him and explaing how his kids needed a routine to stick to. He thought I was being too strict but he finally saw the lite. .the family relationship prt improved so much once both of us were 100% on the same page. stick to ur guns...it will take time though. Good luck.

It looks like most of your vowel keys aren't working.


darrensmom11
by on Feb. 14, 2012 at 5:46 PM
Lol. Ya. . They work. But when I Have Alot to say. . I use the keyboard. -i cafe from my phone-


Quoting packermomof2:



Quoting darrensmom11:

Im a routine momma as well. My sk were 2&4 whn i Gt them. Kids need routine and organization. Especially thse from mixed families. I suggest to frst tlk to ur husband to make sure he will bak u up 100%. It wnt wrk if he doesnt. If u tell ur ss to brush hs teeth and he wants to cry..thn let him cry..jst make sure hes brshng his teeth while doing so. If u let him slide just cz hes whining thn hes gona knw tht wth a lil persistnt on his part he cn gt away w/stuff. Keep the sameroutine with all kids. Tough love in tht area. Its not like ur asking the imossible. My sd cried for months when she first came to live wth us. She hated bed time. So out poured the watr works EVERY NITE. Its so much better now. They know whts expected of them. My dh and I fought a bit for months too cuz I had a hrd time showing him and explaing how his kids needed a routine to stick to. He thought I was being too strict but he finally saw the lite. .the family relationship prt improved so much once both of us were 100% on the same page. stick to ur guns...it will take time though. Good luck.

It looks like most of your vowel keys aren't working.


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mamajules311
by on Feb. 14, 2012 at 6:44 PM
Exactly me:) Love this reply.


Quoting darrensmom11:

Im a routine momma as well. My sk were 2&4 whn i Gt them. Kids need routine and organization. Especially thse from mixed families. I suggest to frst tlk to ur husband to make sure he will bak u up 100%. It wnt wrk if he doesnt. If u tell ur ss to brush hs teeth and he wants to cry..thn let him cry..jst make sure hes brshng his teeth while doing so. If u let him slide just cz hes whining thn hes gona knw tht wth a lil persistnt on his part he cn gt away w/stuff. Keep the sameroutine with all kids. Tough love in tht area. Its not like ur asking the imossible. My sd cried for months when she first came to live wth us. She hated bed time. So out poured the watr works EVERY NITE. Its so much better now. They know whts expected of them. My dh and I fought a bit for months too cuz I had a hrd time showing him and explaing how his kids needed a routine to stick to. He thought I was being too strict but he finally saw the lite. .the family relationship prt improved so much once both of us were 100% on the same page. stick to ur guns...it will take time though. Good luck.

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2AKBlondies
by on Feb. 14, 2012 at 6:50 PM

SS has been part of my DDs and my routine and it was going just fine, until recently.  Now the tears start for just about everything I say to him.  This is why I think SO needs to be more engaged with SS but I know a conversation about this will just result in a fight.  So, I am going to take the advice from here and try to gradually bring SO on board, not by a conversation but by asking for his help with SS as we go instead of doing it all myself. I'm just going to have to remind myself that just because his standards aren't the same as mine, doesn't mean they are wrong.

Honestly, I am also struggling with the fact that I was accepted as a parental figure with SS and now he's being cold.  I know it happens, but it still stings.

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Feb. 15, 2012 at 8:52 AM


Quoting 2AKBlondies:

Don't your hubbys get mad when you do this?  I honestly don't see SO taking it very well if I drop off the map when it comes to SS.  I know from past conversations he would see that as dividing our family rather than blending it.  Please don't think I am saying what you ladies are doing is wrong, I just know my SO would be mad because it's happened before. My husband husband is pretty clear on the concept that I am not his other child's mother.

@Dana333810 - Do your girls wonder about why your SS gets to stay up and they don't?  Or do they understand that there's a difference because they have different parents? In this situation, I would have special treats for my children to reward them for adhering to the rules and standards I have set.







Married to DH and Mom to our darling daughter and son.

Traceyftl
by on Feb. 18, 2012 at 8:59 AM

There just comes a point where you have to let go.  I tried to "fix" things for years with my stepkids, didn't do any good, I was the ony one hurt and frustrated.  Now, I just shrug my shoulders and let DH and BM handle it.  It's hard to let go at first, but I just got tired and fed up...been doing it for 13 years now.  

4and1mom
by on Feb. 18, 2012 at 9:24 AM
I'm at this point. I just look at DH and say whatever and walk away. Our kids do the same, I think we all just got to the point we ignore SD and go on with our lives. Now she complains bc she feels left out but she can't have it both ways. She wants to always be center of intention and treated special so she can get that from DH and the rest if is just ignore her. It's sad and at times I feel sorry for her but I've tries talking to her and it does no good.

Quoting Traceyftl:

There just comes a point where you have to let go.  I tried to "fix" things for years with my stepkids, didn't do any good, I was the ony one hurt and frustrated.  Now, I just shrug my shoulders and let DH and BM handle it.  It's hard to let go at first, but I just got tired and fed up...been doing it for 13 years now.  

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