Stumped ... Need advice (sorry so long) -- Update: Discussion w/SD in Purple at bottom
I joined this group because recently my stepdaughter came to live with us, which was fine... my husband and I were very excited because we don't live close to any of his kids so we've never been able to see them on a daily/weekly basis. So, we thought this would be a great way for them to build a better relationship and be closer. However its turned into a disaster. My SD who turned 12 in July and her mom live in the same small town that my husband is from and initially, SD's mother claimed that the move was all about her education...stating that she wanted her to get a better education. I personally thought the change should happen because when she was here for a visit last summer we found out some disturbing things about her sneaking around with older boys and having boys call her cellphone late at night. My husband and I discussed it and thought she was headed down a bad path. We also discussed this with her mom, who then told us about her sneaking around with older boys and some other inappropriate behavior. So after some discussions we agreed that we would give it a try for one school year and see how things went. My SD did not want this from the beginning ... she was very angry and cried and begged her mom to change her mind. But her mom told her it was for the best but that she would visit her often (she was at searching for a new job in a different field) and they would talk all the time. So, she returned home from her visit with us, spent two weeks with her mom and family, packed and moved back.
At first things were fine, so we thought. But we quickly learned that she lies constantly, she steals and she pretty much refused to do her work in school. She would actually do her homework then not turn it in and get a zero. Prior to coming here she has been a pretty much all A and maybe one B student... so we were shocked to see her with C's and D's. During all of this ... her mom was promising to visit since she got the new job it was supposed to be easier, but never came. Her grandfather (mom's dad) who lives 3 hours away promised to come to basketball games weekly almost never came either. We could tell these things hurt her, so we tried to show her that we supported her no matter what. We've tried everything we can to show her how welcome she is here and how much we want her here ... I take her shopping, we have girl time, family game night, family dinners, the kids crawl in our bed and we all watch tv, I've been teaching her to cook etc. So many things that her mom claims she has no patience to do with her. Her mom wouldn't even talk to her about sex and she's definitely curious about it .. she asked me to do it and this was even before she moved here. In the 6 months that she's been here ... her mom came to visit her for the first time last weekend after my husband pretty much guilted her into it by telling her how sad she was and that we thought she was depressed. Lately she's not been eating and loosing weight.
The longer she's here, the more my husband and I feel like there is more to the story ... that her mom wants her here for more reasons than she's telling us.
It's been so stressful at home because we are constantly having to deal with one issue after another with her. She's now lying to her mom ... telling her that she and my husband are fighting all the time...which isn't true. She's trying to manipulate her mom because she wants to go home. She even admitted it because she thought it may have worked. So we had her call her mom and tell her how she felt..right in front of us.. she told her mom 1) she didn't want to be here and that she was ready to come home and 2) she wanted to be with her and 3) she had been lying, stealing and manipulating to get back home. She thought if she was bad enough we would send her home. We won't put her out, but we did think her mom should know how miserable she is .... and her mom didn't care. She pretty much said too bad you're staying. Apparently, the same issues she was trying to cause between her mom and my husband and I she caused between her mom and her grandmother (mom's mom) and they actually stopped speaking!!
The thing is, despite the fact that she is trying to do everything in her power to hurt us ... I actually feel sorry for her. It appears to us that her mom doesn't want her around. And honestly, I don't think her mom has given her what she needs in the past... I can't say for sure but I'm not sure she's been nurtured, loved and shown the affection that she's needed by her mom... I don't know her mom very well but I definitely see a big difference made between her and her little brother who is still there with her mom....
We have tried everything we can think of ... counseling, open conversation, incentives, rewards, punishment, spankings, staying in contact with the teachers at school ... we don't know what else to do.
So we have two issues:
1) This child has pushed us to a point of utter loss and confusion ... we really don't know how to move forward with her. I personally think if she goes back with her mother, with the freedom they give her she'll be pregnant within a year b/c she's gullible.
2) We don't know if her mom will ever want her back ... she's made several comments that she'll be with us from now on or for good and this child is miserable with us ... not because we are bad parents or bad people but because she wants her own mother. If she doesn't want her back..what are we going to do?
I read and thought a lot about all of the responses I received to this post yesterday. I will admit, I have never ever in life felt that a child could affect me the way this one has in that she does things to anger me so much, yet I know deep down she's really sweet and so loveable. At the same time I feel so awful for her because her mom is so different ... I will just leave it at that. Honestly, I thought I could handle anything a child threw my way especially since I was a very unruly teen with a mother who stood by my side through it all. But with this child I honestly felt defeated .... and that's what drove my post yesterday. When she moved in with us, I had a huge desire to give her a life that she hadn't experienced... whether it was b/c no else one could give it to her, wanted to give it to her, cared to give it to her...whatever, it didn't matter. So, I guess my defeat was more feelings of hurt from her and feelings of frustration from her mom ... I see her hurting for her mom and I can't do anything and her mom isn't doing anything and it ticks me off.
Anyway...after reading responses...I discussed many of them with my husband and we decided to try counseling again-- both family and individual for her. I also had a very long and interesting talk with SD last night ... I remembered one of the posts suggesting that maybe her behavior at home with mom was a cry for her mom's attention there and her behavior here is the same. So in a very unique way...I asked her if she was indeed desiring her mom's attention and I was very surprised to learn that not only is she wanting it now and wanted it then (so whoever suggested that was dead on and thanks) ..... she doesn't buy her mom's reason for her being here ... she thinks her mom just wanted to get rid of her ... so she wants to force her way back into her mom's life. I wanted to cry for her at that moment. But I just kept her talking because she doesn't open up very much or very easily. I asked her how that made her feel and why she felt that way. She said it hurt's to think that's true and she thinks her mom may want to focus more on her little brother (4 yrs) or that she loves him more or that she wants to focus on her career ... and that it may be because she made mom mad a lot. So I asked her if she had talked to her mom about this and she said no .. asked her why ... she said b/c she's afraid that it may be true and she wouldn't know how to deal with it.
I told her that I didn't believe that her mom would tell her what she believed was true and assured her that no matter what ... we wanted her there with us and loved her and would be there for her no matter what and although it wasn't the same as being with her mom we would love her no matter what.
Maybe try speaking with her mom about 'what if' she improves to this point, could she move back? Give SD a reason to want to do good in school and behave.
Have you found out why she was doing those things regarding BM and the gma?
I'll say it...this mom sucks! Sounds like she fucked her up and gave the product of her parenting to someone else to deal with.
Quoting SassyMom25:Maybe try speaking with her mom about 'what if' she improves to this point, could she move back? Give SD a reason to want to do good in school and behave.
Have you found out why she was doing those things regarding BM and the gma?
This is a good idea to consider ... I will definitely discuss it with my husband. As far as mentioning it to my SD ... problem there is she's like a chameleon ... she adapts to any situation. She'd likely "pretend" to be changed just as she's pretended to love it here for months all the while plotting and planning and scheming to get back home.
As far as this thing between mom and grandma ... she said she did it to get her way. She's super selfish. That's another thing that I don't get about this ... SD claims this is ALLabout her getting back to mom, but she was doing a lot of the same stuff when she was with her mom(that mom didn't tell us about until after she got here). Not the school stuff ... but the lying, stealing and manipulating for sure. The one thing she can't do here that she did there is sneaking around with boys b/c my husband and I are always around ... we have someone watching her when she gets out of school until we get home from work then we are there. We don't go out clubbing or anything ... just work and home with the kids and their activities.
Quoting baparrot2:I'll say it...this mom sucks! Sounds like she fucked her up and gave the product of her parenting to someone else to deal with.
This is EXACTLY the way I've been feeling!! We both found it extremely strange why she went out of her way to have several conversations with my husband when SD first moved to emphasize that she didn't give her away ... but the longer we have her ... the more it appears that's exactly what she did.
Quoting stepmomof302:
Quoting baparrot2:
I'll say it...this mom sucks! Sounds like she fucked her up and gave the product of her parenting to someone else to deal with.
This is EXACTLY the way I've been feeling!! We both found it extremely strange why she went out of her way to have several conversations with my husband when SD first moved to emphasize that she didn't give her away ... but the longer we have her ... the more it appears that's exactly what she did.
What I find incredibly heartbreaking is that the girl wants to go back home to her mother (not her fault) but knows the mother doesnt want her. Heartbreaking.
Quoting baparrot2:I'll say it...this mom sucks! Sounds like she fucked her up and gave the product of her parenting to someone else to deal with.
Get into family counseling, immediately.
And you and dH should find some parenting classes to take. Right away. you were not equiped to handle a troubled 12yo, and you need professional help and "coaching."
It sounds like Mom is taking the chicken route of "not my problem anymore!". I suggest your DH file for CS if you aren't already getting it so that you'll have extra money to try and get this girl help, and then assume you can't count on BM for anything else.
I would have this girl evaluated if you have not yet done so, and also try a few other different counselors. If that doesn't work you might start looking for troubled teen programs in your area. There are some good intensive day programs.
Quoting whatIknownow:
Get into family counseling, immediately.
And you and dH should find some parenting classes to take. Right away. you were not equiped to handle a troubled 12yo, and you need professional help and "coaching."
This is what I was going to suggest. The sooner the better. None of you, including her, are equipped to handle this situation.
We do not learn by experience, but by our capacity for experience ~ Buddha
Quoting YesImMomToo:
Quoting whatIknownow:
Get into family counseling, immediately.
And you and dH should find some parenting classes to take. Right away. you were not equiped to handle a troubled 12yo, and you need professional help and "coaching."
This is what I was going to suggest. The sooner the better. None of you, including her, are equipped to handle this situation.
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- stepmomof302
on Feb. 15, 2012 at 10:20 AM