Those Words are Hurtful...

[packermomof2]

If mom feels you are overstepping and she says something like "you're not the mom, back off"... should mom really care that those words hurt your feelings by saying that if you don't seem to care that you are overstepping or that mom has a boundary that you are crossing?  If so, why?

I'd have asked it in the post but it seems somebody hit the delete button before I could answer the woman who told me I was out of line for not caring that a mom told a SM to back off that way... that she was just establishing a boundary even if it wasn't in the nicest way... just like SM's are told to do to on here.

[jessiesluv]

 I think it depends on the situation.

Honestly with new SMs who have never had to deal with that situation, there is a respectful way to ask SM not to do whatever it is she is doing. I know its hard for some bms to realize that some SMs are really trying to help. If its a new situation and bm comes in with the "BACK OFF! YOU ARE NOT THEIR MOM!" its going to make the whole situation worse and yes, bm should feel bad.

Now if SM keeps crossing that boundary even after bm has asked her to stop, thats different.

But, if this is about the cupcake post- if kid and dad asked sm to make cupcakes and she was honestly doing it to help out, not to get one over on bm, then dad and sm have every right to take the cupcakes & bm is out of line for sending the hateful texts. Dad can send cupcakes if he wants and it shouldn't matter if its SM baking them or Granny Nelly at Walmart. lol

[whatIknownow]

I don't know why "you're not the mom" would ever be hurtful under any circumstances.

now if SM is really trying to help and BM bites her head off for no reason, "you're not the mom" might be hurtful.... not the actual words, just the fact that BM was inconsiderate of the SM's feelings. But the actual words?  I don't see what is hurtful about them.

[baparrot2]

 If mom is in the picture and involved, and you are overstepping, being told to back off you are not the mom is actually quite considerate. Considering she probably held her tongue long before that came out of her mouth.

If you are a CSM and BM says that to you, especially the back off part, well then just laugh in her face and ask her if should would like her job back.

[BMof2SMof2]

Oh good god, why don't SMs just get the fact they are not SKids Mom and don't have to act like it? When BM says back off you are not the Mom, then back off. But then when BM changes her tune and says "Hey SM, you should be doing this for my kid because...." SM can say "Nope sorry, because as you told me ever so nicely, back off because I'm not the Mom, and what you're asking of me is something a Mom would do"

[lilangilyn]

I personally think there are kinder ways to deal with people in general, much less a woman you have to work with whether you like it or not. My DH had a way of saying something similar to me that didn't hurt my feelings. He would say, "Let me handle it, sweetheart." I think something along those lines are more appropriate than, back off.

[mamajules311]

I agree with this. However, before I got to know my SS BM and how she worked my DH would ask me to do things and BM would freak out. Once I experienced her a few times, now I simply send her a text myself and say this is the sitch, what do you think? I give her the courtesy, an consider her feelings. Sometimes DH or Sm knows how BM would react and do it anyway. Save the drama. Lol Many things BM would trip over that I wouldn't with my dd Sm, and in that case, I leave it up to DH. Not me. She can be pissed at him not me.

Quoting jessiesluv:

 I think it depends on the situation.

Honestly with new SMs who have never had to deal with that situation, there is a respectful way to ask SM not to do whatever it is she is doing. I know its hard for some bms to realize that some SMs are really trying to help. If its a new situation and bm comes in with the "BACK OFF! YOU ARE NOT THEIR MOM!" its going to make the whole situation worse and yes, bm should feel bad.

Now if SM keeps crossing that boundary even after bm has asked her to stop, thats different.

But, if this is about the cupcake post- if kid and dad asked sm to make cupcakes and she was honestly doing it to help out, not to get one over on bm, then dad and sm have every right to take the cupcakes & bm is out of line for sending the hateful texts. Dad can send cupcakes if he wants and it shouldn't matter if its SM baking them or Granny Nelly at Walmart. lol

[HopesNDreams]

Rudeness should always be acknowledged and apologized for.  SM overstepping does not give BM permission to be rude.  Just as BM being controlling/mean/pick an adjective does not give SM permission to be rude.

So much animosity is created in these relationships because people lose the basic ability to be polite in conversations - even if the other person is being horrid.

[sandeeyo]

My son's SM when she was still BF's girlfriend overstepped every chance she got putting her 2 cents in where it wasn't appreciated, and it irritated me to no end.  I didn't like being told that I'm "doing it wrong" by a woman that didn't even have kids of her own (at the time).  She was told many times to back off because she was just BF's girlfriend, but she continued to butt in. 

So, based on my experience with my son's SM, I try to be sensitive to my SDs BM because I know how irritated I got with my son's SM and even more so when she refused to quit butting in.  As involved in the girls lives as BM is, she has every right to tell me (or tell fiance' to tell me) to back off if she feels that I'm overstepping.  If I could say it to my son's SM, she should be able to let me know if she thinks I'm overstepping.  If it hurts my feelings, I guess I'll get over it.

[AmyGonzalez]

Quoting jessiesluv:

 I think it depends on the situation.

Honestly with new SMs who have never had to deal with that situation, there is a respectful way to ask SM not to do whatever it is she is doing. I know its hard for some bms to realize that some SMs are really trying to help. If its a new situation and bm comes in with the "BACK OFF! YOU ARE NOT THEIR MOM!" its going to make the whole situation worse and yes, bm should feel bad.

Now if SM keeps crossing that boundary even after bm has asked her to stop, thats different.

But, if this is about the cupcake post- if kid and dad asked sm to make cupcakes and she was honestly doing it to help out, not to get one over on bm, then dad and sm have every right to take the cupcakes & bm is out of line for sending the hateful texts. Dad can send cupcakes if he wants and it shouldn't matter if its SM baking them or Granny Nelly at Walmart. lol

Thank you I delegated the post because I was tired of all the hateful things that were being said about me I have no intention on trying to take over I will not even let my ss call me mom because as a mom myself that would hurt me and I do not wish to do that to anyone but again I said that my ss asked me and my husband asked me to drop off those damm cupcakes
We got the letter from the teacher on our time with ss and as it says in the divorce decree my husband is to have all the same rights and resopncibility is the BM their are to make joint decisions and custody is split right down the middle no one has more rights over the other this is what she the BM had her lawyer right up and now she is not flowing the order by going behind my husbands back and enrollong him in a school that is 30 miles one way away from us she enrolled him and them looked to my husband and said this is the way it will be I don't care about your rights I'm his mother I make the decisions for him not you now we are in a huge custody battle because she tried to move him 3000 miles away just because her new husband daddy 2.0 wanted to work at his family owned business they told him if he were a good father to his son then he would just let him go and only see him now week a year at their location so now my husband is a bad father in her eyes because he loves his son enough to want to raise him and be a full time dad in his life how does that work
Ever silence this happend she is calling my husbands family and telling them lies about me. Over Christmas I had another miscarriage because of the stresses she is putting me thru she told my husbands mother that I beat my ss and she told my husbands sister that I caused their marriage to fall apart and I did not even know my husband tell their divorce was final then she told the court that I hit her wile she was pregnant thank god they did not believe her and now the man from the court that is doing the home study she told him that I impersonate her and sign her name to things and that we let my 4 year old ss babysit our 6 month old wile we go out. She has lied to everyone we know she has lied to my husband and now every opportunity she gets she texts me and starts crap I make a point to not talk to her to stay out of it but one can only take so much it maybe just cupcakes but on the grand scal of things it's just one more thing on the pile please I am truly not trying to compleat with her. She is not a good person I came to this conclusion when my husband and I were called to my ss school and the principal told my husband that my ss went to school and told his teacher ( I hate my dad he beats me tll the time he throws me like a ball up aginsted the wall I gonna kill my dad wanna know how I'm gonna stabb his eyeballs and cut out his lungs and heart and if that does not work I will hit him in the head with the lamp that it plugged in to the electricity ( he knows about electricity because he keeps unplugging things and I sat down with him and told him that plugs are dangerous and he can get hurt or die if he touches them. So please tell me is this normal or do I just have one of those spical crazy BM

[kustomkidz]

I am CSM. My SS9 mother tried to pull that "I'm the mom so back off card".. She is NEVER around and when she has him (rarely) she pawns him off on others. I laughed at her and said "I'm sorry it takes more than sex and pushing a baby out to be a mom.".. She never said that crap again!

Quoting baparrot2:

 If mom is in the picture and involved, and you are overstepping, being told to back off you are not the mom is actually quite considerate. Considering she probably held her tongue long before that came out of her mouth.

If you are a CSM and BM says that to you, especially the back off part, well then just laugh in her face and ask her if should would like her job back.