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dont you think its much better..

Posted by on Feb. 16, 2012 at 10:33 AM
  • 19 Replies
to work out your marriage and keep the family intact, unless it involves adultery, abandonement, abuse and addiction? I came from an intact family, now, I have a stepfamily, and I can say, its harder, because the truth is kids, if they have a choice, will prefer their mother and father together, over any stepparent.
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by on Feb. 16, 2012 at 10:33 AM
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Replies (1-10):
mamajules311
by on Feb. 16, 2012 at 10:43 AM
I think any kid would prefer to have BM and BF back together. I've been a Sm for 6 years. It is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. Many times my DH and I wanted to just throw in the towel, but we worked on everything we needed, made MANY compromises and sacrifices. And its much better. We have our days but, always will. It's a hard job. I think it won't work if you and DH can't get on the same page. But if you can, its worth fighting for. SS will NEVER love you like their BM. As much as you may do for them, treat them great and so on. It can sting, but we as Sm can't make that an expectation. And we never should.
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lilangilyn
by on Feb. 16, 2012 at 10:57 AM

Well, I did that for 30 years with my first marriage. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do. Now I am not  sure as I feel my DD has suffered some seeing how my ex mistreated me. He was a disrespectful, distant, and emotionally cold husband. Not a good example for the children. If I had to do it over again, I would have divorced him when she was one instead of waiting until she was almost 20.

Of course, DD loves her dad and wished for awhile along with her brothers that I would get back with her dad. Even adult children wish this. But they are slowly coming around and appreciating that I am much more of a match with DH. I think seeing how I am loved now is having a huge effect on the way they see DH.

For instance, I was showing a new yoga pose to DD and to DH that was very difficult. DH had a tear running down his face. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that was so beautiful it moved me. DD saw that and loved him for that. Her own father would have said, get out of the way, I'm watching TV.

I think everybody deserves to be loved. I know I do and it has been a long time coming.

findingserenity
by on Feb. 16, 2012 at 11:40 AM
my marriage is in turmoil, sd20 hates me, jerk husband is controlling, wont let me learn how to drive, manipulative and a liar, alcoholic and verbally abusive. he doesnt hurt the babies but doesnt play nor pay attention to them much. he was and is a broken person.
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ThePinkRobot
by on Feb. 16, 2012 at 11:47 AM
I was hoping for my parents to get divorced for years before they did. There was no abuse or infidelity at all. They just couldn't agree on parenting issues or money issues & argued about it constantly. I was very happy when my dad moved out.
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zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Feb. 16, 2012 at 11:51 AM
1 mom liked this


no I don't think you hold a loveless marriage together just for the sake of the kids. You are role models and what you do your kids will mimic...down to what spouses they pick and what they think is normal for two people in a marriage to act like and react to each other ..why would you want to emulate disfunction?

zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Feb. 16, 2012 at 11:54 AM
1 mom liked this
Quoting findingserenity:

my marriage is in turmoil, sd20 hates me, jerk husband is controlling, wont let me learn how to drive, manipulative and a liar, alcoholic and verbally abusive. he doesnt hurt the babies but doesnt play nor pay attention to them much. he was and is a broken person.



Omg honey get out! Look for a woman's shelter if you are worried where to go or that he might hurt you. They will give you resources like helping you learn how to drive, where and how to get aid, and free legal advice or evn free legal services so you can get a divorce. They will also help you get a job and get on your own two feet. Do you have family that will help you?
mamajules311
by on Feb. 16, 2012 at 12:08 PM
1 mom liked this
If you have tried to make it work and nothings changing, then you deserve to be happy. Kids prevail. Don't stay in a marriage just because of the kids.


Quoting findingserenity:

my marriage is in turmoil, sd20 hates me, jerk husband is controlling, wont let me learn how to drive, manipulative and a liar, alcoholic and verbally abusive. he doesnt hurt the babies but doesnt play nor pay attention to them much. he was and is a broken person.

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paladinmom
by on Feb. 16, 2012 at 12:51 PM

If your husband is holding you back, being emotionally and verbally abusive, slowly killing himself by alcoholism... and has no significant bond with your children together, it really sounds like you need to protect them from growing up in a home that is dysfunctional.  That is your job as their Mother.  

It's a hard thing to say, and even harder to hear... you need to move on sweetie!  Find happiness for you and your babies together without him.  They are your life and you are theirs!

Quoting findingserenity:

my marriage is in turmoil, sd20 hates me, jerk husband is controlling, wont let me learn how to drive, manipulative and a liar Manipulation is emotional abuse., alcoholic and verbally abusive. he doesnt hurt the babies but doesnt play nor pay attention to them much. he was and is a broken person.


“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.” -Louisa May Alcott

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Feb. 16, 2012 at 1:06 PM


Quoting ThePinkRobot:

I was hoping for my parents to get divorced for years before they did. There was no abuse or infidelity at all. They just couldn't agree on parenting issues or money issues & argued about it constantly. I was very happy when my dad moved out.

^^This^^

My mom was a bitchy and stressed out mom when I was younger and no better after I was an "adult".  I hate to say it, but my dad passed away about 3 years ago and my mom is a better person now that he's gone.  She's much calmer and more easy going.  Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad and I miss him, a lot, but he was a pain in the ass.  I sometimes wished when I was younger that they'd split up so there wouldn't be so much tension in the household.

newstepmom61811
by on Feb. 16, 2012 at 1:45 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting lilangilyn:

Well, I did that for 30 years with my first marriage. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do. Now I am not  sure as I feel my DD has suffered some seeing how my ex mistreated me. He was a disrespectful, distant, and emotionally cold husband. Not a good example for the children. If I had to do it over again, I would have divorced him when she was one instead of waiting until she was almost 20.

Of course, DD loves her dad and wished for awhile along with her brothers that I would get back with her dad. Even adult children wish this. But they are slowly coming around and appreciating that I am much more of a match with DH. I think seeing how I am loved now is having a huge effect on the way they see DH.

For instance, I was showing a new yoga pose to DD and to DH that was very difficult. DH had a tear running down his face. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that was so beautiful it moved me. DD saw that and loved him for that. Her own father would have said, get out of the way, I'm watching TV.

I think everybody deserves to be loved. I know I do and it has been a long time coming.

Your story cut close to home, I was the daughter in that story.  I grew up in a very conflicted home.  My dad was severely abused by his mother as a child, vowed never to hurt his children.  He succeeded.  My parents were great parents.  Horrendous spouses.  Instead of being a child abuser he was a wife abuser.  I witnessed it all my life.  I spent nights helpless hiding with my younger brother in my closet while they fought hoping daddy wouldn't hurt mommy, completely robbed me of any peaceful childhood.  Home was never a safe haven, always World War 3.  It was weird to have such a love/hate relationship with your parents.  To love them for loving you and being good parents.  Hating them for staying together and making you so scared and feel so afraid for their safety.  Their fights would get so violent we spent nights in hotels, 911 was called a few times.  It has been a long road to forgive and get beyond the image of marriage they have left behind for me.  As teenagers both my brother and I begged them to divorce.  I would much rather have visited them in separate more peaceful houses.  I was terrified in my own intact family home...I do believe the wrong couple trying to stay together for the sake of the kids can hurt them more.  It took me well into my thirties to trust men and get beyond my fear of commitment to find a man and marry.  I would rather my parents have divorced, found true love and happiness, they already set a good parenting example for me, I would have liked safe, peaceful homes, and happy marriages to see.  To finish the story they are still married, still fight sometimes, not nearly like before, both are older and simply don't have the hormones, piss, and vinegar in their veins to fight as ugly as before and have settled into what seems to be a comfortable tolerance and understanding of one another but is that enough and worth what they have been through? I wouldn't want to settle for that, I hope I have found more with DH, time will tell, I think I have, I am mad, crazy, in love with him, and he is the gentlest, kindest soul I know, treats me like a delicate flower...At least I knew to look for the opposite of the example set for me.

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