I've noticed a trend. And it's rather bizarre to me. I just don't get it.
If I had a brain tumor, I would seek the counsel of doctor's who have reported success in the field of neurosurgery/neuroscience. You know - the one's who day in and day out live in their world, ridding people's brains of tumors. Sure, they may not be batting .1000 100% of the time - but all in all have built a practice full of successful brain tumor survivor stories. I wouldn't bother with the "newbies" of the field. Nor would I bother with those that mock the successful doctor's, yet can't back their mocking up with a better win-lose record. I want the doctor's that are sure of themselves because they have a proven track record that stands alone. You with me?
Same with step-parenting. When I need advice, I have a few friends on here that I may ask my question to, or I have my own step parents. They both have been step parents going on 35 years this year, and quite frankly are some of the best in the business. I have listed ad nauseum why I think they are some of the best, and won't do so again here. Just take my word for it - in the event of a divorce, I would have chosen my SP's over my BP's any day of the week. They were just. that. good. But, I digress. If I need SP advice, I have select SP's that I recognize as the best that I know. My own BFF - I don't see as the best. I won't ask her advice when it comes to anything with SD/DH/BM simply because I don't agree with her own role as a SM.
That leads me to what I see in here. There are a few ladies in here who are pretty successful when it comes to blended families. They are either CSM and in situations where BM hates or loves them - depends on the day and BM's mood. They are NCSM and have good working relationships whether engaged or disengaged to SK's. They are BM's who have loved and hated their kids SM. Yet. When they give advice, they are criticized.
Instead, people tend to take as gospel the words of "newbies" who still are trying to figure the blended family thing out themselves. Or the SM's who choose to mock BM (derogatory nicknames, taking joy out of upsetting/annoying/being a bitch her, or calculating ways to make her life as BM more difficult). Or the SM's who choose to hate their SK's.
I would venture to say that a majority of the SM's in here who are truly looking for how to get along in this blended family world are trying to figure out how to do it with as little drama as possible. So tell me? Why would you flock to those who create drama as they go along?
Good post. I made one like this about a year ago and was CRUCIFIED!
The whole...."who the hell do you think you are?"...."what makes YOU so special on giving advice"...."not everyone is in the same sitch" all came out.
I say fine. Take it...leave...dismiss it. But at the end of the day, I have this shit worked out and many years of this behind me . If you want advice, you'll take it. If you really just want to complain all the damn time, you'll be the victim the rest of your life. And I say....good luck with that and enjoy feeding your future zanax addiction.
I probably would have continued to bitch about BF and SM/OW way longer if I hadn't had a couple of dear friends smack me upside the head and tell me to move on.
Good post. We should all give it some thought. What in my life am I in a constant state of drama about that I need to change?
good question. Looking forward to reading the replies.
I also think good drama makes good entertainment.
Posts that go: "I have problem X, what should I do?".... "Try solution Y"..... "OK, thanks I will!"......
...crickets.....
Those posts are short and boring.
Bring on the drama whores! we love you!
Hmmm.... let's see. If I was looking for people to affirm what I was doing and tell me that I'm doing the right thing (say, for instance, in writing a letter to a dying BM criticizing her mothering skills), then I would approach either SM's who were wimpy and wouldn't stand up to me and tell me what I was doing was wrong; who would instead pat me on the back and assure me that I'm a great person, or I would listen to the shit starters who were okay with conflict.
I sure as heck wouldn't approach my "tell it like it is" friends, because they might woman up and tell me something I didn't want to hear. Or that I wasn't ready to hear.
Some just profess to want to have peace but really just want to be "right".
Good post.
My answer? I don't. When I really need to know something, if I have been right or wrong, or just a general opinion of something, I post in another group I'm in.
I don't want the newbie bullshit input. Sorry, that's just how I feel about it. I'm young, and I don't need girls younger than I who have less successful blending than I giving ME advice about my family.
I'll pass, thanks!
Good post again, Momma.
I agree wholeheartedly with every word you ladies said :) And I know that's what it is. Don't get me wrong - I love a good dramafest myself. Just not in my own life, TYVM ;-)
That's why I made sure to clarify at the very end - this is for those that are TRULY looking for answers, advice. There are MANY, MANY of here that pure and simple love drama. This kind of drama. I have my moments, I'll admit.
But, it does intrigue me that some come in here with bona fide "i don't know what to do" and then can't figure out what went wrong when they take the advice of someone who can't stand their SK's and makes fun of BM...lol
I can solve all your problems with this: BM has a personality disorder. Make up a cute nickname for her and bitch about something she did 20 years ago. Done! You're welcome.
I don't think majority of the people who are looking for advise really want it. They thrive from the drama and really just want suggestions to keep it going.
OT:what's in your purse? :)
- TheStepMonster
on Feb. 17, 2012 at 9:31 AM