My SO has two sons, who are 2 and 3. His ex tricked him into both pregnancies (she was 18 when she got pregnant with the first) looking for a meal ticket. She is immature and a total piece of trash - a completely unfit mother.
When the boys were 14 months and 28 months, darling BM decided that life at the bar and moving in with random men was more important than her children and she left hem. A few months ago she "secretly" moved away. I'm still not sure how she thought my SO wouldn't figure it out when she used to live across the street from him and she has been no where to be seen. She gave him the name of her new work place which is 3 hours away. At this point in time, she will only stop in to see the boys every other weekend and loves to put on a big show with them, parading them around to all of her relatives to act like she's such a great mother. Then she leaves for 2 more weeks (or more!) without so much as texting or calling to see how the kids are doing in between.
She smokes around them, tells them to say bad things, feeds them nothing but fast food, and the most disturbing is how she plays with their emotions. The 3 year old often tells us that "Chris hit mommy" (that was one of her many boyfriends) and he is deeply disturbed by it. I consulted a psychologist that I work with and she said that the 3 year old either saw her get hit, or she told him that the boyfriend hit hm to get the kids to quit asking about him. At this point, she just comes around often enough to remind them that they don't have a mother. If she keeps them overnight, she lets them stay up late, and she lets them do whatever they want. Toddlers need discipline b/c these are some of their most critical formative years. For her to just feed them crap, not bathe them and let them rip the house apart, jump on furniture, etc. she's just around enough to undo the discipline that my SO has been so good at keeping - as a single 25 year old dad with primary custody of toddler boys!
One of the things that concerns me most is that it is very clear that she only likes the older son (who is difficult, moody and sneaky just ike her and really, really needs discipline) and ignores the 2 year old who is just a happy-go-lucky lovely little guy. Many times when they come home after staying overnight with her, the 2 year old has night terrors. Not nightmares, but straight up, screaming for 30 minutes in the middle of a dead sleep night terrors. I'm not sure if this is because she is mean to him, because of the story about her ex boyfriend hitting her, or what it might be from, but he only has night terrors after seeing her.
When the boys come home from a visit, it is terrible. The older one is heartsick because he knows it will be a long time until he sees her and he screams, and throws tantrums. Under that, I can just see how sad he is. The 2 year old couldn't be happier to come home to daddy.
I came into the picture 7 months ago and our relationship is going great. We have a lot in common, and I could see us getting married. I spend a lot of time with the kids - way more time with them than their BM. I cook them healthy meals, play with them, help discipline them, watch them sometimes to give my SO a break, give them baths, read them stories, take them to the park, etc.
It breaks my heart that their piece of crap mother is just in the picture enough to make such a negative impact on them, and contributes nothing positive to their lives.
So here's where my need for advise comes into play... I love my SO and I love his kids, but the thought of dealing with his trashy ex forever frankly freaks me out like nothing else. I am a calm, passive person who promotes peace and love, but I could seriously knock this woman out without thinking. Am I crazy to pursue this relationship? What am I getting myself into? Am I totally dreaming when I think that since she's never around I could be their mother figure and that we could have a happy little family?
I really need advise from step moms who have been there!