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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

He doesn't want to call BM mommy anymore...

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Little background, my stepsons birth mother lost custody when he was 18 months, after that she was allowed supervised visits but hardly came, up until recently she visited about three times a year for about an hour tops each time, their only other contact was through letters and phone calls, now hes four and she terminated her maternal rights to him a couple months ago and I am in the process of adopting him. Even though her parental rights are terminated, we want to keep her in his life as much as she is willing, to maintain a normal life for him, so the termination wont effect him. She agreed that once her rights were gone, she would continue to visit and write and call. We talk to him about her, he considers me his mommy and is very insistant on that, but we explained to him that while I am his mommy who takes care of him, she is his mommy who he grew inside of, and that is very important and she loves him very much even though she doesn't see him very often. We have always had him call her mommy and he chooses to call me either mama or Lucy. Now that hes four he's starting to question things a little more, asking about the world and realizing why things are the way they are. The word mom has always just been a word to him, but now hes come to realize more of what it means. He is old enough to understand that she doesn't quite fit the definition of mom, but hes not old enough to understand why she is still his mom, he doesn't understand things like sexual relationships and birth and things of that sort. We keep a photo of her on his bedside table and ask him to say goodnight to her after prayers before bed, a few nights ago when I said "now say goodnight to mommy", he said "shes not mommy", ever since then hes been refusing to call her mom, hes been calling her by her name. We have tried to explain to him once again how shes his mommy, why she isn't here but that she loves him very much, that it would hurt her feelings not to be called mom anymore, that its okay to call her mommy and its not hurting my feelings, that he can have two mommies, but he gets very upset and insistant that she is not mommy, that I am. He just thinks of the meaning of mom, sees that I do all of those things, and doesn't understand why we are asking him to call this lady who he doesn't really know mom. We are really hoping to fix this before he talks to her next, we really dont want to start something or to hurt her with him not calling her mommy and we want him to understand his bond with her. He is usually a very easygoing agreeable child so I dont quite know why hes being so insistant about this. Or are we completely wrong and we should just let him call her what he wants to call her and just keep on talking about her to him and hope that eventually he will understand better when hes older. 

by on Mar. 10, 2012 at 8:00 PM
Replies (121-123):
LivnSimply
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 5:14 PM
Quoting LucyHarper:

My husband and I are expecting our first biological child and my four year old stepson couldn't be happier about that, hes been asking us for a little brother or sister for a while. His mother terminated her rights, we have full custody of him, and Im in the process of adopting him, while we talk about her to him he has very little memory of his mother. There is one thing though thats bothering him, he gets worried sometimes that we are going to love this baby more then him because its our biological baby. Tonight I was reading him a book for bed and all of a sudden he just got really sad looking, I asked him what was wrong and he said "the baby is growing inside you", and I said yes, then he said "I didn't grow inside you, I grew inside someone else, so the baby will be your real baby, will you and daddy love the baby more then me?", so I told him of course not, he will always be daddies first baby and he is my first baby too, even though he didn't grow inside of me, because he is very special and has two mommies who love him, one who cant be with him but is still very special because she grew him inside of her and one that takes care of him and loves him because he is my little boy, and I will never love any baby more then him, I will love this baby and him just the same. He seemed okay with that answer, but not at ease about it, like hes worried we will feel differently later on. I think hes feeling left out, not being a biological child. Anyone deal with this and know how to ensure him that our feelings for him will not change and we will love him just the same as this baby?

The above quote was posted on March 14, 2012. This thread was posted on March 10th, 2012.

Remind me how your adoption and pregnancy don't have anything to do with this boys issues? Really?

I highly recommend you get yourself and this little boy in counseling.

LucyHarper
by on Apr. 28, 2012 at 12:08 AM

I said that the pregnancy wasn't a factor in him not wanting to call her mom, which it isn't since we didn't know I was pregnant until after he started, after I posted this post, I never said that he was completely without problem with the pregnancy, though hes fine now, just that it didnt have to do with him not wanting to call her mom. Seriously, stop, just stop and leave me alone, you make yourself look like an idiot.

Quoting LivnSimply:

Quoting LucyHarper:

My husband and I are expecting our first biological child and my four year old stepson couldn't be happier about that, hes been asking us for a little brother or sister for a while. His mother terminated her rights, we have full custody of him, and Im in the process of adopting him, while we talk about her to him he has very little memory of his mother. There is one thing though thats bothering him, he gets worried sometimes that we are going to love this baby more then him because its our biological baby. Tonight I was reading him a book for bed and all of a sudden he just got really sad looking, I asked him what was wrong and he said "the baby is growing inside you", and I said yes, then he said "I didn't grow inside you, I grew inside someone else, so the baby will be your real baby, will you and daddy love the baby more then me?", so I told him of course not, he will always be daddies first baby and he is my first baby too, even though he didn't grow inside of me, because he is very special and has two mommies who love him, one who cant be with him but is still very special because she grew him inside of her and one that takes care of him and loves him because he is my little boy, and I will never love any baby more then him, I will love this baby and him just the same. He seemed okay with that answer, but not at ease about it, like hes worried we will feel differently later on. I think hes feeling left out, not being a biological child. Anyone deal with this and know how to ensure him that our feelings for him will not change and we will love him just the same as this baby?

The above quote was posted on March 14, 2012. This thread was posted on March 10th, 2012.

Remind me how your adoption and pregnancy don't have anything to do with this boys issues? Really?

I highly recommend you get yourself and this little boy in counseling.


LivnSimply
by on Apr. 28, 2012 at 2:34 AM

 

Quoting LucyHarper:

Now that hes four he's starting to question things a little more, asking about the world and realizing why things are the way they are. The word mom has always just been a word to him, but now hes come to realize more of what it means. He is old enough to understand that she doesn't quite fit the definition of mom, but hes not old enough to understand why she is still his mom, he doesn't understand things like sexual relationships and birth and things of that sort. We keep a photo of her on his bedside table and ask him to say goodnight to her after prayers before bed, a few nights ago when I said "now say goodnight to mommy", he said "shes not mommy", ever since then hes been refusing to call her mom, hes been calling her by her name.

 


You are not being honest.

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