Little background, my stepsons birth mother lost custody when he was 18 months, after that she was allowed supervised visits but hardly came, up until recently she visited about three times a year for about an hour tops each time, their only other contact was through letters and phone calls, now hes four and she terminated her maternal rights to him a couple months ago and I am in the process of adopting him. Even though her parental rights are terminated, we want to keep her in his life as much as she is willing, to maintain a normal life for him, so the termination wont effect him. She agreed that once her rights were gone, she would continue to visit and write and call. We talk to him about her, he considers me his mommy and is very insistant on that, but we explained to him that while I am his mommy who takes care of him, she is his mommy who he grew inside of, and that is very important and she loves him very much even though she doesn't see him very often. We have always had him call her mommy and he chooses to call me either mama or Lucy. Now that hes four he's starting to question things a little more, asking about the world and realizing why things are the way they are. The word mom has always just been a word to him, but now hes come to realize more of what it means. He is old enough to understand that she doesn't quite fit the definition of mom, but hes not old enough to understand why she is still his mom, he doesn't understand things like sexual relationships and birth and things of that sort. We keep a photo of her on his bedside table and ask him to say goodnight to her after prayers before bed, a few nights ago when I said "now say goodnight to mommy", he said "shes not mommy", ever since then hes been refusing to call her mom, hes been calling her by her name. We have tried to explain to him once again how shes his mommy, why she isn't here but that she loves him very much, that it would hurt her feelings not to be called mom anymore, that its okay to call her mommy and its not hurting my feelings, that he can have two mommies, but he gets very upset and insistant that she is not mommy, that I am. He just thinks of the meaning of mom, sees that I do all of those things, and doesn't understand why we are asking him to call this lady who he doesn't really know mom. We are really hoping to fix this before he talks to her next, we really dont want to start something or to hurt her with him not calling her mommy and we want him to understand his bond with her. He is usually a very easygoing agreeable child so I dont quite know why hes being so insistant about this. Or are we completely wrong and we should just let him call her what he wants to call her and just keep on talking about her to him and hope that eventually he will understand better when hes older.
Does he know I'm pregnant? Yes, once again, what does that have to do with anything.
Quoting LivnSimply:I'll tell you -
Does he know?
Quoting LucyHarper:
12 weeks, what does this have to do with anything.
Quoting LivnSimply:
How far along are you?
Quoting LucyHarper:
Since he was 18 months old
Quoting LivnSimply:
Lucy - how long have you been in this child's life?
Quoting LucyHarper:
Does he know I'm pregnant? Yes, once again, what does that have to do with anything.
My theory:
Children have a natural desire of wanting to be "normal" until they realize that being unique is what sets them apart. In his case, you are pregnant and he knows a little brother or sister is coming but to him he wants to be "normal" too--- which means having ONE mom and ONE dad. If he ignores one mom then it is true to him. He is normal and he wouldn't have to explain this to anyone.
The other thing. You will find that jealousy will do all sorts of crazy things to this age group. Preschoolers and early elementary school kids tend to be very delusional at times. You will hear all sorts of stories using their imagination.
My advice is to talk to him about it after you continue your routine and referring to her as Mommy (and I would continue because while it seems he doesn't want to he will eventually change his mind or likely claim the opposite later.) I wouldn't force him to say it though. I'd be very accepting of his choices and just go with the flow then ask him why he says that. You will likely find out it is fear based.
My guess it's related to your pregnancy ...
I posted this long before I knew I was pregnant, so the pregnancy doesn't have to do with it.
Quoting LivnSimply:
Quoting LucyHarper:
Does he know I'm pregnant? Yes, once again, what does that have to do with anything.
My theory:
Children have a natural desire of wanting to be "normal" until they realize that being unique is what sets them apart. In his case, you are pregnant and he knows a little brother or sister is coming but to him he wants to be "normal" too--- which means having ONE mom and ONE dad. If he ignores one mom then it is true to him. He is normal and he wouldn't have to explain this to anyone.
The other thing. You will find that jealousy will do all sorts of crazy things to this age group. Preschoolers and early elementary school kids tend to be very delusional at times. You will hear all sorts of stories using their imagination.
My advice is to talk to him about it after you continue your routine and referring to her as Mommy (and I would continue because while it seems he doesn't want to he will eventually change his mind or likely claim the opposite later.) I wouldn't force him to say it though. I'd be very accepting of his choices and just go with the flow then ask him why he says that. You will likely find out it is fear based.
My guess it's related to your pregnancy ...
My nephew's dad abandoned him at age 5. I mean that literally. He got a wife and wanted NOTHING to do with him. Even forbid his family (who was involved in his life) to have contact. Can we say asshole? Yup!
Anyhoo... he went through several periods where he really struggled with other kids having two parents and how he was different. It really bothered him. This happened about the time he was around other children and recognized he didn't have a Daddy in his life.
Kids are far more observant and will try to alter their reality.
You also said that you adopted recently... I would wonder if he doesn't really understand that fully either.
Anyhoo- I'd consider some counseling as you have had some pretty significant life transitions in your lives - recently married, a baby, adoption and changes in your availability with going to school, etc. There is a lot going on in this little boys life. He's probably pretty insecure.
Good luck.
This is an old post, one thats no longer a problem, someone randomly commented on it and brought it back, I'm not changing the title for a post that I no longer have an issue with and you don't need to see the timelines in my head, you can just look at the date on the post and on all of the responses.
Quoting LivnSimply:Ohhh.. I thought this was a new post. You need to be a bit more clear for new posters other than "I posted this long before you adopted." People don't understand the time lines in your head. I'd update the title.
do you have a picture of his mom when she was very pregnant? if so frame that and put on his nightstand as well. again tell him that he grew in her belly, so she is his BELLY MOM. maybe start using that term because he wont understand 'birth mom".
i wouldnt fight with him on what he calls who. it could cause distrust in him. he has named you as his mom because you fit the role. his BM is a stranger. he doesnt understand how a stranger can be his mom!
just have your DH contact his ex before your son talks to her to prepare her. explain to her that son doesnt understand how she is his mom. its confusing to him. tell her about term 'belly mom' and ask her to use that with son. tell her to not get upset with son that as he grows older he will understand but at age 4 he just cant yet.
We've been married for over a year, thats nothing new to him, I've been in school for as long as I've been in his life, he didn't know I was pregnant when this was posted, and the adoption means nothing to him, its a piece of paper, it doesn't change our relationship, plus I hadn't adopted him yet when this was posted.
Quoting LivnSimply:My nephew's dad abandoned him at age 5. I mean that literally. He got a wife and wanted NOTHING to do with him. Even forbid his family (who was involved in his life) to have contact. Can we say asshole? Yup!
Anyhoo... he went through several periods where he really struggled with other kids having two parents and how he was different. It really bothered him. This happened about the time he was around other children and recognized he didn't have a Daddy in his life.
Kids are far more observant and will try to alter their reality.
You also said that you adopted recently... I would wonder if he doesn't really understand that fully either.
Anyhoo- I'd consider some counseling as you have had some pretty significant life transitions in your lives - recently married, a baby, adoption and changes in your availability with going to school, etc. There is a lot going on in this little boys life. He's probably pretty insecure.
Good luck.
We tried all of that, he still doesn't want to call her mom so we let it go, she freaked out and is still pissed, as is her mom, but theres nothing much we can do about it without forcing him to call her mom so she'll just have to deal.
Quoting ROBIN-C:do you have a picture of his mom when she was very pregnant? if so frame that and put on his nightstand as well. again tell him that he grew in her belly, so she is his BELLY MOM. maybe start using that term because he wont understand 'birth mom".
i wouldnt fight with him on what he calls who. it could cause distrust in him. he has named you as his mom because you fit the role. his BM is a stranger. he doesnt understand how a stranger can be his mom!
just have your DH contact his ex before your son talks to her to prepare her. explain to her that son doesnt understand how she is his mom. its confusing to him. tell her about term 'belly mom' and ask her to use that with son. tell her to not get upset with son that as he grows older he will understand but at age 4 he just cant yet.
Well, then plan to keep explaining to people because they won't look at the date of a post that was bumped to the top, they won't read the thread just your initial post.
Quoting LucyHarper:This is an old post, one thats no longer a problem, someone randomly commented on it and brought it back, I'm not changing the title for a post that I no longer have an issue with and you don't need to see the timelines in my head, you can just look at the date on the post and on all of the responses.
Quoting LivnSimply:Ohhh.. I thought this was a new post. You need to be a bit more clear for new posters other than "I posted this long before you adopted." People don't understand the time lines in your head. I'd update the title.
Name changes...
- LucyHarper
on Mar. 10, 2012 at 8:00 PM