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I just moved in....

Posted by on Mar. 22, 2012 at 9:10 PM
  • 29 Replies
1 mom liked this

My story is very confusing and has many complications in it.  I am dating my best friend of 7 years and he is going through a divorce.  He has a 9 year old daughter and I just moved onto his farm, not in his house but the house next to his.  I am around both of them whenever she is not in school and she is begining to understand more of what is going on and what it means.  She feels like I am replacing her and I really don't want her to feel that way, we do things all together and my bf and his daughter do things alone but when she finds out her dad and I are going to do something alone together she throws such a fit that we are not able to hang out because no one can handle her.  How do I reassure her that I am not replacing her, I am simply an addition and I hope to stay around because I really love my bf.

by on Mar. 22, 2012 at 9:10 PM
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Replies (1-10):
DDDaysh
by on Mar. 22, 2012 at 10:29 PM

Exactly how long has it been since his wife moved out of the house?  

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Mar. 23, 2012 at 10:16 AM


Quoting DDDaysh:

Exactly how long has it been since his wife moved out of the house?  

This.  Wondering as well the timeline of wife moving out/gf moving in.  Does his dd feel like you're replacing her or does she feel like you're trying to replace mom and are breaking up the family?

ThaliakarmaAB
by on Mar. 23, 2012 at 12:16 PM
2 moms liked this

Be very careful, they aren't divorced until the final papers are signed, and if he takes his soon-to-be-exwife back you will be nothing but the mistress. I think waiting until he is actually divorced would be a great place to start.

liltigersmom
by on Mar. 23, 2012 at 12:23 PM
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Look at things from the childs pov, her parents are divorcing, and even though you see it as a good thing, the kid does not.

Move back to your own place, and let the dad be with his dd, and if the divorce goes through than dad can reintroduce you.
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paladinmom
by on Mar. 23, 2012 at 12:37 PM

I'm with the pp's on this.  You haven't said any specific reasoning as to why they're splitting, how long they've been separated... 

The girl's mother is not there for her daily, so she is going through a grieving process of Mom moving out.  She is going to be super attached to Dad right now because he is there for her.  He is her shoulder to cry on and parent who is consistent.  To her, Daddy is all she has.  And for him to spend time with another female at this point is like a betrayal of loyalty to her.

Slow down for now.  

btw... Dad needs to explain that you aren't taking her place and neither will you be taking the place of her mother.  Not you.  You don't need to do anything except respect her emotions right now and be gentle, kind, understanding, not jealous or upset.  His daughter needs him more than you do!  

He may be ready to move on and get on with his life, but, he really needs to consider his DDs feelings at the moment and help her.  I'm not saying you shouldn't date him... he just needs to understand that his daughter is not handling this as he is and she is a girl... (close to puberty age at that, lots of hormones could be coming into her life and she is going to be a bit more "out of control" as far as emotions are concerned if she is getting close to this stage...)

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Mar. 23, 2012 at 12:41 PM

I agree completely with this.

Quoting paladinmom:


btw... Dad needs to explain that you aren't taking her place and neither will you be taking the place of her mother.  Not you.  You don't need to do anything except respect her emotions right now and be gentle, kind, understanding, not jealous or upset.  His daughter needs him more than you do!  



GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Mar. 23, 2012 at 12:46 PM
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Were you the other woman? If so, does DD maybe know this?
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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Mar. 23, 2012 at 12:49 PM


Quoting GlockMom:

Were you the other woman? If so, does DD maybe know this?

I was wondering this too.

You were best friends for 7 years, and he is just now divorcing and you are (now?) dating. It's unclear to me when the relationship started (before or after the divorce initiation), but regardless, to the world it will appear that it started 7 years ago. I think you have to be mindful of how that appears. And no amount of "but we were just friends" will change anyone's mind.

paladinmom
by on Mar. 23, 2012 at 12:52 PM


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting GlockMom:

Were you the other woman? If so, does DD maybe know this?

I was wondering this too.

You were best friends for 7 years, and he is just now divorcing and you are (now?) dating. It's unclear to me when the relationship started (before or after the divorce initiation), but regardless, to the world it will appear that it started 7 years ago. I think you have to be mindful of how that appears. And no amount of "but we were just friends" will change anyone's mind.

I was already so blunt that I decided not to add this part in there!

I grew to be "best friends" with DH during the start of our relationship.  Not before.  My xh was this role before we wed, and it was a complete nightmare!

OP - remember that part -----> complete nightmare, marrying my best guyfriend.  

paladinmom
by on Mar. 23, 2012 at 12:53 PM


Quoting GlockMom:

Were you the other woman? If so, does DD maybe know this?

^^^^^^^^^^^

What she said!

confused

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