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if you don't want a SM who pushes herself into situations she doesn't need to be, you must be bitter.

If you don't want to let SM take visitation instead of the dad... you must be bitter.  Or controlling.  Probably both.

If you don't cut your ex some slack on helping out with the kids he helped make because he has a new family going on... you must be bitter.

If you don't care about SM's kids enough to cut dad the financial slack he needs to better take care of those kids... you must be bitter. 

If you say you hope the kids your ex's wife has are doing well... you must be bitter. 

If you can't figure out when you're supposed to care about the kids vs. when you're not... you must be stupid.

If you feel the parents can communicate and don't want to talk to SM... you must be bitter.  And want your ex back.

If you take care of your kids and have custody of them and there is no room for SM to "step in" ... you must be bitter and territorial.

If you dont' understand that "the more people that love your kid" actually translates to mom doesn't care enough about her kids to let me do x, y, or z... again, you're just too stupid to actually have kids since you obviously don't know what is best for them.

If your idea of "kids best interest" doesn't match up to SM's and you do what you feel is best without regard for what SM thinks is... you must be bitter. 

Forget the fact that dad was probably okay with the way things were going until he had a wife to point out the error of mom's way to him, forget the fact that in most cases it is a SM who is married to the NCP who has most of these complaints, and forget the fact that kids are actually doing well without you changing things up so that new girl can feel important... cause if you don't forget all that?  You must be bitter.

by on Mar. 25, 2012 at 2:10 PM
Replies (21-30):
Faeta
by on Mar. 25, 2012 at 3:35 PM
ugg... So many of the "points" really seem to vary depending on each post.

like should sm have to babysit/take care of/watch/whatever sk when dh is at work/unable to?

ive seen so many threads where people (myself included) are like "stop" or "you dont have to, let bm have kid til dad is off work"...like the post about the sk who slings their shit in the bathroom...literally...

what sm wants to clean up poop like that all the time??

but then you get other posts where sk have a really good relationship with sm.... And the sm would like the time with sk even if dh is at work/whatever.

is there really just a single clear cut right/wrong for every situation?? I dont think so. It depends on so many factors on whats best for the families.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Mar. 25, 2012 at 3:38 PM
Pretty sure its not Amy.


Quoting Amy1973Potts:

Please tell me this was not partially aimed at me.



Although I do agree that the "more people to love your kids" theory is an attempt at rationalizing massive butting in of a non parent. I dont think the whole village (or planet) has a right or a responsibility to love your child: they have family (whatever flavor/combination it may be) and people who trumpet this to the masses seem to have coveting

issues, but certainly not all of them

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
darrensmom11
by on Mar. 25, 2012 at 4:07 PM
2 moms liked this
I agree. I don't really like to think of it too much of it as COMPLAINING though. :) I like to think of it as coming to this group to express my feelings/frustrations w/people I Can relate to. It sucks though when someone who is suppose to be your FELLOW STEP MOMMA ends up talking smack and makes you feel even worse about the situation. I'm so blessed that my x and I Have never hurt Eachother financially like that. When I left him, I didn't make him pay CS cuz I made more money. Then when my Son went to live with him, He returned the same favor. Although He doesn't make me pay CS, I buy my Son everything He needs. We care about Eachothers new families. But I think its sad for x couples out to lash one another. But what else Can you do?. . . Adjust your lifestyle.


Quoting r_h_stepmom:

Yes, some of us SM's do get whiney. But some of us do the job of both parents all the time and get none of the respect for it. Why shouldn't we be able to complain? Is this a group for SM's to go to get criticized further for everything they try to do? Some BM's are complete assholes and don't want to lift a finger for their kids until they know someone else is. Why are we not allowed to complain about that in a group made for STEPMOMS?!?!  


Quoting GlockMom:

Packer has some very valid points. I agree that a lot of the posts coming from here have been whining about the very things she is listing.

I mean seriously, how many moms do you really think think about how paying CS keeps BF from doing for his new family? NONE. Thats what I think. Why would she care about what someone else's kids have when she is worried about her own? What about mom being bitter because SM expects her to not excercise her ROFR because SM feels like she should be able to stand in when BF can't be there? Mom wants the time dad isn't taking to parent her kids, not because she hates SM, but because why should a nonparent have the kid when a parent IS available.

It has been rather ridiculous lately ladies.



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katcb1019
by Bronze Member on Mar. 25, 2012 at 4:20 PM
1 mom liked this

I think it goes both ways. There are just as many bitter, controlling bms as there are bitter, controlling sms. I have to say though, reading posts and not just in this group, more sms complain about their sitauation with bm than bms complain about sms. I think most sms let bms actions bother them to much or take too many things done by bm or skids too personally.

LivnSimply
by on Mar. 25, 2012 at 4:29 PM
1 mom liked this

This entire post boils down to "differing priorites" ---- and the cause for the divorce in the first place is to blame. Both sides pointing the finger at the other and neither wanting to care for their part in it.

Many of the things above are made to be an issue on the BMs part in continuing the conflict...yet, over and over and over again it is told that SM should step back. Well, sometimes a BM should step back too --- especially when it is Dad's choice.

Priorities change with the wind for EVERYONE...when someone fails to see how or why those priorities might change in makes someone close minded.

Packer, a lot of your points have gotten lost in how you post...

It does sound bitter when a Mom is NOT willing to consider the other POV just as SMs sound bitter when they do the same. The goal is to understand the other side is it not? or do we just like to keep chasing our tails?

YesImMomToo
by on Mar. 25, 2012 at 4:35 PM
7 moms liked this

 Yup.. not only are you bitter, but you are willfully ignorant.

I have watched as you have painted fences around those around you and kept everyone else on a leash in your situation. You write from your experience, with little thought that not every situation is like yours and it is obvious that you take out your pent up anger or aggression on people over the Internet. Usually it comes across as dictortial and controlling.

 Yours isn't the only way, and a lot of how you control your situation would cause harm in other people's situations. 

Example, BM can want the kids all she wants if Dad isn't home to be with the kids however that doesn't work in our situation as Dad is custodial and ROFR was deliberately denied to her. Our custody evaluator and judge awarded that the kids were to be in one specific home more than the other, regardless of the parents availability. It was based on the stability of the parent and step-parent in one home as opposed to the parent in the other home. So as I said, doesn't matter if BM wanted the kids because I was home with them and Dad wasn't. She wasn't granted that, nor in our situation is a good idea.

Quoting packermomof2:

if you don't want a SM who pushes herself into situations she doesn't need to be, you must be bitter.
If it is you who is deciding, not both parents, then yes, you are being controlling.

If you don't want to let SM take visitation instead of the dad... you must be bitter.  Or controlling.  Probably both. Sorry but I believe in following the CO and ours grants our house to have the kids over BMs availablity any and every day. SO yes if you were to interfere and keep fighting for this, then yes you would seem bitter.

If you don't cut your ex some slack on helping out with the kids he helped make because he has a new family going on... you must be bitter. I believe that the CO should be followed and if the ex has to cut back if he was helping with above and beyond the CO, and you're bitching a fit, then no your not bitter, just selfish. Dad has the right to provide for all of his children equally, not just the one he had with you so if you're getting your panties in a bunch, then yes there must be some underlying bitterness involved.

If you don't care about SM's kids enough to cut dad the financial slack he needs to better take care of those kids... you must be bitter.  see same answer above

If you say you hope the kids your ex's wife has are doing well... you must be bitter.  Sorry I don't understand this.

If you can't figure out when you're supposed to care about the kids vs. when you're not... you must be stupid. Dont have a clue what you're talking about

If you feel the parents can communicate and don't want to talk to SM... you must be bitter.  And want your ex back. Parents should be able to communicate and refer back to their spouses if they are part of the co-parenting team. No one said the communication has to be with SM. but if you're so quick to dismiss her when shes the CSM, well then it would seem awfully bitter.

If you take care of your kids and have custody of them and there is no room for SM to "step in" ... you must be bitter and territorial. If SM is a CSM and you're trying to oust her, then yea you're bitter.

If you dont' understand that "the more people that love your kid" actually translates to mom doesn't care enough about her kids to let me do x, y, or z... again, you're just too stupid to actually have kids since you obviously don't know what is best for them. Nope I would say that you're probably too stupid to realize how your controlling actions actually affect your children, and if you say you're are fine, then you are a classic example of "unable to separate your own needs from the childrens, or has unhealthy boundaries."

If your idea of "kids best interest" doesn't match up to SM's and you do what you feel is best without regard for what SM thinks is... you must be bitter.  Nope, when BMs doesn't match up with Dad's , then she is usually acting out, Id assume from bitterness.

Forget the fact that dad was probably okay with the way things were going until he had a wife to point out the error of mom's way to him. Nope he never was, he was always the main care giver and the disagreements is one of the major reasons he divorced her sorry ass.

, forget the fact that in most cases it is a SM who is married to the NCP who has most of these complaints. Perhaps, I wouldnt know, I'm a CSM.

and forget the fact that kids are actually doing well without you changing things up so that new girl can feel important... cause if you don't forget all that?  You must be bitter.
I dont think it's so I can feel imporant. The skids and I have bonded wonderfully and yes, if they were to lose me it would a loss they would feel for a lifetime, just as I would feel if I lost them. I added a lot to the relationship, I didn't come in and change anything, but I did fine tune some aspects. I am a creative individual and very grounded. So, if BM has a problem with that, well then yes, she's just bitter.

 

Quinn525
by Bronze Member on Mar. 25, 2012 at 4:36 PM
Wow you must be bitter if you posted this...
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newwife1
by Silver Member on Mar. 25, 2012 at 4:37 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree BM shouldn't care about DH and his new family.

Just like as JUST the SM, I don't help with CS. If DH runs short and can't pay CS it's not my problem and it doesn't get paid on time. If BM has to struggle, it's not my problem or responsibility. I don't have kids to support:)

Works both ways.


lilangilyn
by on Mar. 25, 2012 at 4:37 PM

Uh, OK. Whatever.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Mar. 25, 2012 at 4:39 PM
2 moms liked this

A SM never has to do "everything a mom should do." Never. It is always optional and voluntary.

If you are doing something and are getting no respect for it, maybe it's not appreciated because you shouldn't be doing it.

Quoting r_h_stepmom:

Believe it or not, there are women out there who drop everything in their lives to take care of children that they did not give birth to. They HAVE to do everything a MOM SHOULD do and get NO respect. 

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