*UPDATE 3* *Update2* *UPDATE* So tired of being in this bubble!
So I find out that DH just gave SD17 $120 and his bank account number so she can make purchases online. He never even discussed this with me! He never discusses anything with me when it comes to her and when I ask him why, he says "it's always a fight when it comes to this, so it's better that you don't know". Umm, last time I checked, we were supposed to be a team. And before anyone freaks out on me, I don't get mad that he gives her $, I get mad that he lets her go on expensive shopping sprees with our bill $, then I get a knock on the door from the gas, electric, water guy wanting $ so we don't get stuff shut off.
It's really pisses me off because she's almost 18, no job, no license, and she spends what money her mom gives her on booze, tattoos and stuff that no 17 y/o should have anyway. I just feel like I am always the one that is budgeting, and making sure I don't spend too much on things that we NEED, and he just let's her blow $ on random things that she doesn't need, all so she won't throw a fit. It's getting old! Idk what to do.
So I talked to DH, and instead of compromising, he called SD and told her that he could no longer buy her anything because, I won't allow it, now she is pissed at me. I tried explaining to her that its not that he buys her stuff, and that I never told him not to, just that we are having a hard time paying bills right now and I was concerned with the amount of money that was being spent. She doesn't get it and now its all my fault :( I told DH that if this is the way he handles things I don't want to be a part of it. He hasn't said a word to me since! UGH!
So! After a weekend full of emotions, after I told DH that I can't live like this anymore and to not come home. Let me just recap for you.
Shortly after DH called and told SD about what was going on I got a few nasty tests from her, to where I just responded that I am not going to text argue with her, she proceeded to bash me on her FB page, I am not her friend on there, but SIL is, and I guess they got into a heated argument, then DH called her and told her to take the post down, ugh....So now SIL is involved, well, this turned out to be the turning point, because she tore DH a new one, and after a day of us not talking and me pretty much telling him that its over, he comes home with roses, wine and dinner, and apologizes for the whole situation and says the he understands where I am coming from now, since, now that he has heard it from his family, he realizes that he cannot enable her anymore and feels completely stupid for calling her in the first place, but he was upset and made a bad decision. So for now, things are ok. We took the kids to the beach over the weekend, minus SD because now she refuses to talk to anyone in his family, including him, and we also went out on the boat. Things aren't perfect, but I am hoping that he can fix this before it tears us all apart.I just explained to him that yes, she is his DD, but this is OUR family and OUR money, not just his and that we need to sit down and discuss these things, esp big purchases, and he has agreed. So we will see! Thank you ladies for all your support through this mess. You really helped me a lot! Hopefully this gets better, if not, I don't think I can deal with it much longer.
UPDATE 3:
Ok, so After all of this mess, we really haven't heard from SD17, up until DHs birthday, which I posted about in another thread, she called to brag about getting into a fight...anyway, whole other story there.
We are sitting in the living room and SD calls, its almost midnight, and DH ignores the call, I ask him why he ignored it, what if something was wrong, and he just says that if its importanat she will call back or Text him, otherwise he doesn't want to talk to her.....This is so out of character for him, he ALWAYS answers no matter what when she calls, unless he is working, so now I am just wondering what could be going through his head? Maybe her call on his birthday made him realize something he didn't see before, but I cannot help but feel guilty, I don't really know where to go with this.
Quoting AmyB118:Gotta love the SK guilt trip. OSS20 is still "entitled" and MIL is aiding in continuing him on his path. Take yesterday....
We had plans. Have had these plans for well over a week. Well, OSS calls on Friday night to tell DH that he's sent off his pics and some email to MTV for The Real World casting call months ago. He got a call to come to DC on Saturday. He asks DH to go w/him and DH says "Sorry, bud. I've got plans I can't change."
Saturday morning MIl starts texting DH...can't you change your plans? Can't you take him and do what you want in the afternoon? I can give you gas money, blah blah blah. DH says "No - sorry can't. I have to be somewhere at a specific time and it can't be changed. I can't be in two places at one time, so I have to do what I planned first." MIL has the BALLS to text back (in all caps). "Don't worry about it, I will take him and pick up your slack like always". Fucking really?
The "boy" is 20.....had two cars, which he sold months ago, lives rent/board free w/MIL b/c neither DH or BM will allow him to "flop" at their respective homes, has a GF who works at a convenience store to support him, worked briefly at another convenience store (he's quit but doesn't know WE know he did), and bought tickets to move to CO in May......sigh. He could've gotten his happy ass there if he wanted to, and somehow it's DH's fault that he never made it there yesterday...apparently MIL was taking him and they got to arguing, he started to call her names and she put him out of the car.
OP, BF has to get a handle on it NOW or you will have a similar situation as above in 3 years o.O
OSS has always felt "entitled" to everything that everyone else has - he was allowed to be brought up that way. Why? Dunno. I cautioned them all against it - and now it's a train wreck.
Quoting AlmostFamous:Yeah, its been a struggle, 7 years of this, and the older she gets, the worse it gets, because she wants expensive things. I feel like he feels guilty that he doesnt get to see her much so he buys her, but she has to learn that she is going to have to work for what she wants, she will be 18 soon, does she think that someone is always going to be there to foot the bill for her? We sure can't keep supporting her. Its enough to pay for the things that we NEED.
Quoting sandeeyo:That seems fair to me (I have a similar arrangement with fiance'). So long as he's holding up his end of the deal...even if you have to police him! LOL Yeah, my SDs are 11 and were sort of headed down that road with their dad. Until I pointed out to him that today it's a $50 video game they're screaming about or a few years down the road, that Louis Vuitton handbag or Tiffany earrings that they HAVE TO HAVE! lol He's not so deep pockets with them anymore just to keep them from tantrumming.
Quoting AlmostFamous:
No, I don't make near as much as him, so I only pay the smaller bills, car ins, and things like that, he pays all the bigger bills, but I plan on asking him to start giving me enough money to pay all the bills and then just paying them myself. and LOL, shes one of those girls that feels entitled to EVERYTHING, refuses to work for anything, but expects you to give her what she wants. If she doesn't get what she wants she throws a 2 year old fit....serious issues. But she is what they created.
Quoting sandeeyo:
Do you split expenses 50/50? If you do, then maybe figure out what 50% of the monthly bills come to and make him give you that much every month and then you pay it out from your account.
Geez, you can get a cute bikini from Victorias Secret for a little under $100 or even cheaper if you look. Who does your SD think she is? Leann Rimes?? lol
Quoting chanizen:
Do it. Make an awesome career and unload the bastard. Find an awesome man who adores you. This one is not that man.
Quoting AlmostFamous:
I've tried this, but he just doesn't listen. It's to the point where I thi I that me leaving is the only way to get through to him.
Quoting zannahdeux:Quoting AlmostFamous:
You need to introduce the concept of tough love...he has to understand he is not doing her any good by just giving her whatever she asks for....I am sorry.....split your money then. Dh and I have never combined $$$ for this reason. We split everything 50/50
Quoting lilangilyn:Read your update. Your DH is a coward. I won't sugar coat it. Blech on him.
Yep - afraid to "rock the boat". I've always told DH that the kids need to learn that it's not like that in the real world - that bosses expect work, that people need to follow the rules, and if ANY child is brought up to be entitled they are in for a rude awakening when they step out into adulthood.
OSS is moving to CO w/his GF - to live w/HER sister and boyfriend. I've already told DH what's going to happen (and it will). GF will be all up in the mix w/her sister (they are tight) and GF will stop doing for OSS since her sister will tell her what an ass he really is. So, he's going to throw a temper tantrum and want someone to make sure he gets back to the east coast since he's going to get butt hurt over the whole situation. DH says he knows this and he's not going to go get him. He's cautioned OSS against going but OSS sees it differently. He thinks it's going to remain the "OSS SHOW" no matter where he goes.
DH, BM and MIL created that monster.
Quoting AlmostFamous:
This is how I feel.
Quoting lilangilyn:Read your update. Your DH is a coward. I won't sugar coat it. Blech on him.
Quoting AlmostFamous:
It just sucks, we've been together for so long, and it was all for nothing. It's been a struggle with BM and SD the whole way. It's just ridiculous! I can only take so much!
Quoting chanizen:
Do it. Make an awesome career and unload the bastard. Find an awesome man who adores you. This one is not that man.
Quoting AlmostFamous:
I've tried this, but he just doesn't listen. It's to the point where I thi I that me leaving is the only way to get through to him.
Quoting zannahdeux:Quoting AlmostFamous:
You need to introduce the concept of tough love...he has to understand he is not doing her any good by just giving her whatever she asks for....I am sorry.....split your money then. Dh and I have never combined $$$ for this reason. We split everything 50/50
Quoting AlmostFamous:
It just sucks, we've been together for so long, and it was all for nothing. It's been a struggle with BM and SD the whole way. It's just ridiculous! I can only take so much!
Quoting chanizen:
Do it. Make an awesome career and unload the bastard. Find an awesome man who adores you. This one is not that man.
Quoting AlmostFamous:
I've tried this, but he just doesn't listen. It's to the point where I thi I that me leaving is the only way to get through to him.
Quoting zannahdeux:Quoting AlmostFamous:
You need to introduce the concept of tough love...he has to understand he is not doing her any good by just giving her whatever she asks for....I am sorry.....split your money then. Dh and I have never combined $$$ for this reason. We split everything 50/50
Quoting AmyB118:Yep - afraid to "rock the boat". I've always told DH that the kids need to learn that it's not like that in the real world - that bosses expect work, that people need to follow the rules, and if ANY child is brought up to be entitled they are in for a rude awakening when they step out into adulthood.
OSS is moving to CO w/his GF - to live w/HER sister and boyfriend. I've already told DH what's going to happen (and it will). GF will be all up in the mix w/her sister (they are tight) and GF will stop doing for OSS since her sister will tell her what an ass he really is. So, he's going to throw a temper tantrum and want someone to make sure he gets back to the east coast since he's going to get butt hurt over the whole situation. DH says he knows this and he's not going to go get him. He's cautioned OSS against going but OSS sees it differently. He thinks it's going to remain the "OSS SHOW" no matter where he goes.
DH, BM and MIL created that monster.
Quoting AlmostFamous:
This is how I feel.
Quoting lilangilyn:Read your update. Your DH is a coward. I won't sugar coat it. Blech on him.
They think she took him and ran...
- AlmostFamous
on Mar. 31, 2012 at 10:12 AM