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When does the SM over"step" her boundaries

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It seems like every BM has limits to what is overstepping by the SM.  Besides when SM call's herself "mom" (because we know that is a big no no to most BMs)  what makes you feel she just shouldnt do something.

 

by on Apr. 7, 2012 at 1:15 PM
Replies (71-80):
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2012 at 11:21 AM

I agree with this. If BM lived nearby and dh and her had split custody I would not do all the things I do as a custodial SM. In fact, BM wants to move to our area in a couple years and my Dh will willing give her weekend visitation and depending on proximity, some weekdays too. If that is the case and BM wants to be an active participant in the kids life, I will back off a lot of things. I would let DH and BM handle everything unless they wanted my help or input. I mean, I wouldn't change my relationship that I already have with them but when it comes to responsibilities, I'd be happy to give those up if BM took them on.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

A SM can overstep BM's boundaries by stepping into Mom's role when Mom is already playing the part. If SM is not acting parental then there is very little chance of overstepping. 

 

Everyone has boundaries and anyone is capable of overstepping the boundaries of others, it isn't limited to SMs.


ButtercupL1129
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 2:52 PM
1 mom liked this

perfect explanation!

Quoting dukegirl01:


Quoting QueenCreole313:

 I think the SM needs to remember she isn't the Mom! I know it's challenging (I'm both a BM & SM) but it can be done. Put yourself in the BM's shoes. You are an outsider. I don't think it's wrong to demand respect and common courtesy. But I still think discipline should be done by a bioparent.

Well, this is interesting and probably a huge problem why sm and bms don't get along! WE ARE MOMS! WE ARE NOT OUTSIDERS! Some of us have our skids more than than the bio parent. We are married to the one bio parent and their children become our children as well, whether the bms like it or not!

Discipline is done by who ever is available at that time and when you are LIVING TOGETHER IN ONE HOUSEHOLD, EACH HOUSEHOLD HAS RULES! Thats a fact also, whether the bm likes it or not.

This is ALSO MY HOME, MY HUSBAND.  I  CHOOSE TO LOVE MY SKID as my OWN. This is the only way this can be done, to bond, love and be part of a blended family.Sorry bio mom.

By the way, I am a bm and an sm. I AM A MOM NO MATTER HOW YOU CUT IT. For my skid to live here, WE LIVE TOGETHER AS ONE, when he is here.  WE want a FAIR , safe household for everyone!

THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT ARE "GIVEN UP" OR "GAINED"--depending on how you look at it,  When you choose to divorce, walk out on the the person and the child....

bm should be very thankful that a SM wants to love, and be the best parent they can be , when their bio child is in their care!!!!

Obviously, if there is something of concern, the bm should be asked and or made aware of the situation. Otherwise, let the child enjoy being loved by many important PARENTAL figures in his or her life OTHER THAN BM!

 

 



nena61978
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 2:56 PM
Damn if you do damn if you don't.you can never be right with people like that

Quoting raerae725:

Honestly I never know.  Whenever I think "I got this" I am wrong.  Example.  A few months back SD needed to go bra shopping for the first time.  DH told me "So BM and I talked.  She has already gotten most the stuff SD is needing and bras are pretty much it.  You can take SD right?"  I said no give BM some money and let her take her.  Thought that would make everyone happy.  I meet up with BM for a kid exchange and offer this up.  She asks why I can't take her?!?!?!?  She is an incredibly hands on mom that for the first 3 years would take offense to me painting SD's nails.  I will never get people.

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nena61978
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 2:59 PM
Your ex is apparently picking up the wrong type of women ..only a psycho would go to that extreme to dye a Childs hair because she looks like you

Quoting ThaliakarmaAB:

I drew the line at x's girlfriends trying to change my daughter to the image they wanted to portray. Most of his girlfriends have been upset that my DD looks like me so we've have a couple of incidents where a girlfirends has tried to make drastic changes aka one dipship thought she was going to dye my child's hair brown because she didn't want to deal with seeing her blonde hair.

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not-the-momma
by Joyce on Apr. 9, 2012 at 3:13 PM

 

Quoting vintagebikegirl:

You would THINK it should be common sense type stuff.

Permenant stuff like piercings tatoos and Hair dye.

Religion, education desicions, Healthcare, legal matters. (except when needed or invited)

Special stuff, like "the talk", mothers day cards made at school, helping pick prom dresses ect.

 

It isn't always that easy though. In some cases, like mine BM does not care and in some cases BM flips out on small petty stuff like SM helping to pick out Valentines day cards.



 Can you clarify what you mean by special stuff?  DH is CP and SD has asked me questions about 'puberty'.  Of course I never discussed anything until I knew how DH felt about it, and he gave me the green light to answer any questions she had. 

ThaliakarmaAB
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 3:20 PM

My ex preys upon very young naive impressionable women. Many of them buy into the "I have to replace your exwife" lock stock and barrel. Since more than one has spouted the nonsensicle nonsense of now being a mom with this latest young lady deciding that she should quit her job (working at hooters) in order to be a sahm to my dd that only visits twice a year lol -

Quoting nena61978:

Your ex is apparently picking up the wrong type of women ..only a psycho would go to that extreme to dye a Childs hair because she looks like you

Quoting ThaliakarmaAB:

I drew the line at x's girlfriends trying to change my daughter to the image they wanted to portray. Most of his girlfriends have been upset that my DD looks like me so we've have a couple of incidents where a girlfirends has tried to make drastic changes aka one dipship thought she was going to dye my child's hair brown because she didn't want to deal with seeing her blonde hair.


dukegirl01
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 10:25 PM
Quoting packermomof2:

Wow! You misunderstood a lot of things!
No one is saying that the SM goes around telling people this is her bio child! I will say this is my step son and I am his step MOM! The MOM PART is there for a reason!

Every divorce happens differently. In this case the ex girlfriend walked out on my DH and had NO CONTACT WHAT SO EVER WITH DH OR HER SON FOR 4 months. She drank, had several affairs. Evenually, she did come back into the picture and when it was her turn to have her son, she would plan parties, getting her hair done....never seeing her son.
It's a little better now but I was in his life, as his Mom from age 1.5 yrs of age.
He has chose to call me mom, he is 6 now. He also totally knows I am his Step mom.
So, like I said, since she chose that road, she now has someone else also helping raise her child.
Thankfully, I have been here to be a good responsible loving role model for her son!
FloridaMomma
by on May. 10, 2012 at 10:24 AM

Wow.  You should change your title to "Queen Overstepper".  You're like the poster woman.  You give momof's SM a run for her money.  Congrats!

Quoting Bree88:

I probably do "overstep" in SD's BM's opinion. DH and I have been together since SD was 8 months old (she is 6 now), while she is only with up Wednesday nights and EOWE I call her my daughter... and she calls me mom (when she's here) - that was her own choice. I treat her exactly the same as I do DH and my children, not a single thing different. I have taken her to get her haircut, which made her BM mad... but it was what SD wanted and DH agreed to let her cut her hair. I was her cheerleading coach last year, despite BM's protest... and I volunteer in her school and do discuss her with her teacher.

I am living life the way I see fit, and the way DH and I have agreed to live our life. SD has known me as her stepmom forever and she likes how things are between us... we have a great relationship. So that is all that matters to me.

Bash away... lol.
*edit* - oh and... DH will have the "birds and the bees" talk with her together when we see fit... just as we will our other two children. SD has stated that she wants to live with us because when she's with us she's part of a family and at BM's it's just her and BM. So why would I try to make her feel left out or any different than my other children?


Bunni23
by on May. 10, 2012 at 10:33 AM
Yup thats my case.

Quoting newstepmom61811:

The BM in my situation would probably say me living and breathing is overstepping, that would be for any SM to her kids though...has nothing to do with me...
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sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on May. 10, 2012 at 12:02 PM


Quoting newtothismi:

 I hear ya. But for real...I wonder what BMs are thinking about SMs. Certainly we cant all be catagorized and horrible women who just want to "f" everything up. Just like I dont think all BMs are terrible parents who shouldnt get CS or CO visits. 

still breathin

I'll tell ya what this BM thought about her son's SM...

My son's SM is a certifiably crazy, drama creating shit stirrer.  I'm not kidding.  She wasn't the reason we split up, she came a few years after the fact.  I didn't have a great relationship with my ex after the divorce.  I had no problem with her tho', just wanted to meet her once.  She had a problem with that, so ok, fine.  So I never got an official introduction to her.  Then I found out that she was talking smack about me to anyone that would listen.  She pretty much bought into my exes lies about me and why we broke up (he left me for another woman...not her...he told her that I was the one that left him for another guy...not true).  THEN she started having friends mail anonymous letters to my boyfriend at the time.  The letters were all addressed to me and sent to HIS home...I didn't live with him.  The letters were supposedly from a guy I was seeing behind his back.  He knew it was a bunch of shit because if I wasn't working, my son and I were hanging out with him.  Basically he knew where I was pretty much all the time! lol  Then she was the driving force behind my ex taking me to court at least once a month.  Then when I moved, the 3am crank calls started.  I could go on and on.  Thank God my son is grown now.  Because of his SM, he doesn't have anything to do with his dad at all.

Was SM an overstepper?  No.  Was she fucked up and crazy?  Yeah.  So it's not always the BM that's creating the drama.

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