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I cannot bond with my adult stepchildren??

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No matter how hard I try I cnnot bond with my adult stepchidren. They act like I don't exist and are constanly hurting my feelings. Any advise?

 

 

by on Apr. 8, 2012 at 4:21 PM
Replies (21-30):
stepmomkim
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 2:26 PM

Thank you, this gives me hope.

DDDaysh
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 3:29 PM

 I know it can be disappointing when things don't work out.  I have a large family with lots of brothers, but no sisters.  I was really hoping that one day when I'd have sister-in-laws then we'd bond and be friends, and it'd be great.  My brother married a sweet lady who also has no sisters, so I thought "perfect", figuring she'd love having a new "sister" too. 

Eh, things didn't work out that way.  We get along well enough when the family gets together, but she's not really that interested in being very close.  That's fine, really, but it was an adjustment at first. 

Quoting stepmomkim:

OK, thank you. Your advice makes sense. I have told myself the same thing - I just have to keep my emotions in check and stop taking things personally. I had expectations going in you know. One big happy family. But in life it doesn't always work out like that. Thanks again.

 

lilangilyn
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 3:54 PM

I think there should be some basic respect going on. Treating others as you would like to be treated, etc. But don't hold your breath for a heart warming relationship as they are a little old. I would approach them as you would any other adult. Be friendly, be kind, but don't try to be the parent or mentor.

JacyB
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2012 at 6:54 PM
So you sent an unwanted package to people who have made it clear they aren't interested in having a relationship with you and then your husband had tr audacity to guilt trip them into a thank you???!! Stop being so pushy. It's rude and inappropriate. Would you consider behaving this way towards a coworker? Or a friends spouse? I doubt it. You need to back off.
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stepmomkim
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 7:45 PM

You make it sound so harsh - this is my family you are talking about. I don't understand but your point is taken.

stepmomkim
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 7:48 PM

Yes you are right. Things don't always work out like you think they will.

stepmomkim
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 7:51 PM

Yes that is it - I am trying to be a step-parent and a mentor. They are not responsive - so I defined the relationship one way and they see a different definition. I guess it is that simple.Thank you.

JacyB
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2012 at 9:45 PM
Woah, creeeeeepy. No wonder they don't want to be near you. It doesn't sound like there's a relationship to define, and you certainly wouldn't be the one defining it. If you want to have a relationship with these individuals you and your husband should apologize for your actions (and incredibly poor behavior on your husbands part). Frankly I'm not sure I would be willing to have a relationship with someone who did that but a genuine apology is a good start. Good luck OP!


Quoting stepmomkim:

Yes that is it - I am trying to be a step-parent and a mentor. They are not responsive - so I defined the relationship one way and they see a different definition. I guess it is that simple.Thank you.


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paladinmom
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 9:56 PM
After reading all responses, the conclusiin I have is this... Be nice when you are around them. If the gift idea wasnt so easily received, unfortunately, they just dont want presents.
Dont try to be a mentor if they are pulling away. They are grown adults now, and just might have mixed feelings about dad remarrying.

My dh and I talked about this once... What if my mom remarried? I'd be pissed! Then, he gave me a different view... "is that how your dad would want you to be? Mad? I dont think so. He'd want you to be happy your mom was happy again." Gives me years to think about it.

They may not fully accept you as you are hoping. Same with your son and husband. You are their dads wife; and to your don, SF is your husband. Hopefully, they can respect this if nothing else.
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packermomof2
by on Apr. 9, 2012 at 10:19 PM

Why do you need to be a mentor to adults?  Why do you need to define yourself as a SP to the adults (as in you're just trying to be one to them)?  Maybe they don't want that and when you think they need it and push it on them you're pushing them away further

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