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"i love you but don't tell my mom because she says I'm not allowed to"

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Ok here is a little background story.... I have a daughter that I have joint custody of, and her dad has a live in girl friend (she is NOT my daughter's step mom) that is controlling and emotionally and verbally abusive towards my daughter, so as a step mom, I know how birth moms feel and I have made a conscious effort since being a step mom to not overstep my boundaries. 


my step son is 8 year old. For Christmas, he got a mini-net book from my father in law. my step son has never talked about wanting a facebook or even knew what facebook was, but shortly after he recieves this little netbook, my husband and I get a friend request from my step son on facebook. Well, I accepted mine, I mean after all, he is my step son; but my husband flipped out! He was livid because for one, you have to be 13 to even have a facebook account, and for two, because all of the pictures that were on his son's facebook were of him half naked and they were public! and for three, because he knew from the start that it was just a way for for step son's birth mom to snoop around on our facebook and be nosey about our personal lives (she is not on our friends list!). So he called her and raised hell because that is his son too, and the whole time, I didn't say a word. He asked me to delete step son off of my friends list because of the reasons listed and because he didn't want her snooping in our business. She just doesn't see a problem with him having a facebook and basically told my husband that she didn't care what he thought about it and that he had no say. So hubby just hung up on her. Well, later that night, I get a message from her, on facebook, and she cussed me up one side and down another (now mind you, I kept my thoughts to myself and my mouth shut over this entire little situation) and she told me that she couldn't believe that I would do this to her son, and she can't believe how controlling I am. Um.... WHAT???? for one, I haven't done anything wrong or out of the way to her son, and for two, I am not controlling, at all. She is. So I replied back and responded with just that. I let her know that I love her son, and I would never do anything out of the way towards him nor would I ever mistreat him in any way (in which she implied, because I deleted him from facebook) and I explained to her that my husband, who just so happens to be step son's dad, told me to delete him because HE doesn't approve of him having a facebook in the first place. Well..... the following weekend, step son is at our house and hubby casually asked him about facebook and step son says "what's facebook?" which just CONFIRMED that it WAS her and not him this entire time, and it was just her trying to snoop around and be nosey and using step son to do it! 

Well, fast forward to Easter weekend... this year was her turn to have step son for Easter, so we took him his Easter stuff from us on Saturday. Hubby tells him that it's time for us to go, and he gives me a big bear hug and whispers to me "I love you, but don't tell my mom because she says I'm not allowed to".......... This was the first time that he's ever added that about his mom. When he's with us at our house, he tells me he loves me all the time, but I guess because we were in his mom's yard, he thought he'd get in trouble if she heard him. But I was dumbfounded! I hugged him back and said "I love you too buddy" and he hugged his brothers and his dad and went inside.

But I just don't get it. Why would she tell him that just to make him feel torn like that? I realize that she is insecure and resents me as his step mom, and there are some other things going on in the situation and my husband is getting ready to take her to court to get custody, but I just don't get it! I told hubby what step son said and he said "I know, I heard him, and I'm surprised you didn't run inside and rip her head off because I would have been ok with that" (LOL). I've been trying to forget about it, but I just can't. What type of woman would tell her kid that and make her kid feel like he is caught in a cross fire of some sort? 

by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 9:47 AM
Replies (21-30):
spereira
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 5:47 PM

Hi,

I'm just curious. Would you be offended if your daugher told the girlfriend she loved her? (hypothetically being she was normal)...

Thanks

ROBIN-C
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 5:53 PM
2 moms liked this

 at least he felt love for you enough to go ahead and tell you while at his moms house! very brave little boy!

i would tell him that love is the most wonderful thing in the world and our hearts have enough room to love as many people as we chose! the more people that you love and that love you the happier your heart is!

bzmommax4
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 6:01 PM

i didn't. my hubby did. i stay out of stuff and let him handle it. 

Quoting annabl1970:

My thoughts were the same. There was no need to raise hell with BM. Just report the facebook account as illegal. It would be shut down with no problem.


Quoting sandeeyo:

As far as the facebook account that your ss "has".  You can email the folks at facebook and tell them, 1) he's under 13, and 2) BM set it up, ss doesn't even use the account, and dad doesn't approve.  They'll take it down based on #1, but #2 might make them take it down even faster! LOL



bzmommax4
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 6:12 PM

no i wouldn't be offended. i know how my daughter feels about the gf and it saddens me. the gf won't be in the picture much longer because her dad is moving out and leaving her, but i pray that he finds someone that he will eventually marry that will be good to my daughter, treat her right, and love her so her and my daughter will have a great loving relationship. 

Quoting spereira:

Hi,

I'm just curious. Would you be offended if your daugher told the girlfriend she loved her? (hypothetically being she was normal)...

Thanks


spereira
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 6:21 PM

 

That's fantastic that you don't mind. I have to say, I would mind in my heart. I would not discourage my son to express that if he felt that way towards anyone else. But I think I would probably hurt a little inside. Good for you for being so supportive!

Suzanna

whattodo11
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 6:24 PM
To be honest, I am in a similar situation. The answer to your question about what type of person would do this to a child is simple, she sees you as a threat to her and her sons relationship and that is her way of fixing that problem. In reality she is showing the son that she is the monster. People keep telling me that when they get older they will see the truth, and I believe this well advice applies to you as well, but the hardest thing is the waiting. I completely understand how you can't get it out of your head, but try your hardest to not dwell on out because it will only hurt you more.take comfort in the fact that even with the possibility of trouble (which is by no means okay for the bm to be instilling) he still felt a ned to express how he felt about you. Hope something helped a little.
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alibrezzy154
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 7:22 PM
Wow how childish. :( I'm sorry hun!
annabl1970
by Gold Member on Apr. 11, 2012 at 7:55 PM
I did not say you raise the hell. It was just general suggestion how to reach your goal (shut down facebook) without dealing with crazy BM.


Quoting bzmommax4:

i didn't. my hubby did. i stay out of stuff and let him handle it. 

Quoting annabl1970:

My thoughts were the same. There was no need to raise hell with BM. Just report the facebook account as illegal. It would be shut down with no problem.





Quoting sandeeyo:

As far as the facebook account that your ss "has".  You can email the folks at facebook and tell them, 1) he's under 13, and 2) BM set it up, ss doesn't even use the account, and dad doesn't approve.  They'll take it down based on #1, but #2 might make them take it down even faster! LOL





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bzmommax4
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 8:10 PM
1 mom liked this

oh sorry, i misunderstood you. hubby did contact facebook, twice, but nothing ever happened with it, so he said he took screen shots of the pictures on there and is going to use it in court. 

Quoting annabl1970:

I did not say you raise the hell. It was just general suggestion how to reach your goal (shut down facebook) without dealing with crazy BM.


Quoting bzmommax4:

i didn't. my hubby did. i stay out of stuff and let him handle it. 

Quoting annabl1970:

My thoughts were the same. There was no need to raise hell with BM. Just report the facebook account as illegal. It would be shut down with no problem.





Quoting sandeeyo:

As far as the facebook account that your ss "has".  You can email the folks at facebook and tell them, 1) he's under 13, and 2) BM set it up, ss doesn't even use the account, and dad doesn't approve.  They'll take it down based on #1, but #2 might make them take it down even faster! LOL






annabl1970
by Gold Member on Apr. 11, 2012 at 8:31 PM
Good! I hope he saved the pics!


Quoting bzmommax4:

oh sorry, i misunderstood you. hubby did contact facebook, twice, but nothing ever happened with it, so he said he took screen shots of the pictures on there and is going to use it in court. 

Quoting annabl1970:

I did not say you raise the hell. It was just general suggestion how to reach your goal (shut down facebook) without dealing with crazy BM.





Quoting bzmommax4:

i didn't. my hubby did. i stay out of stuff and let him handle it. 

Quoting annabl1970:

My thoughts were the same. There was no need to raise hell with BM. Just report the facebook account as illegal. It would be shut down with no problem.








Quoting sandeeyo:

As far as the facebook account that your ss "has".  You can email the folks at facebook and tell them, 1) he's under 13, and 2) BM set it up, ss doesn't even use the account, and dad doesn't approve.  They'll take it down based on #1, but #2 might make them take it down even faster! LOL









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