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"i love you but don't tell my mom because she says I'm not allowed to"

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Ok here is a little background story.... I have a daughter that I have joint custody of, and her dad has a live in girl friend (she is NOT my daughter's step mom) that is controlling and emotionally and verbally abusive towards my daughter, so as a step mom, I know how birth moms feel and I have made a conscious effort since being a step mom to not overstep my boundaries. 


my step son is 8 year old. For Christmas, he got a mini-net book from my father in law. my step son has never talked about wanting a facebook or even knew what facebook was, but shortly after he recieves this little netbook, my husband and I get a friend request from my step son on facebook. Well, I accepted mine, I mean after all, he is my step son; but my husband flipped out! He was livid because for one, you have to be 13 to even have a facebook account, and for two, because all of the pictures that were on his son's facebook were of him half naked and they were public! and for three, because he knew from the start that it was just a way for for step son's birth mom to snoop around on our facebook and be nosey about our personal lives (she is not on our friends list!). So he called her and raised hell because that is his son too, and the whole time, I didn't say a word. He asked me to delete step son off of my friends list because of the reasons listed and because he didn't want her snooping in our business. She just doesn't see a problem with him having a facebook and basically told my husband that she didn't care what he thought about it and that he had no say. So hubby just hung up on her. Well, later that night, I get a message from her, on facebook, and she cussed me up one side and down another (now mind you, I kept my thoughts to myself and my mouth shut over this entire little situation) and she told me that she couldn't believe that I would do this to her son, and she can't believe how controlling I am. Um.... WHAT???? for one, I haven't done anything wrong or out of the way to her son, and for two, I am not controlling, at all. She is. So I replied back and responded with just that. I let her know that I love her son, and I would never do anything out of the way towards him nor would I ever mistreat him in any way (in which she implied, because I deleted him from facebook) and I explained to her that my husband, who just so happens to be step son's dad, told me to delete him because HE doesn't approve of him having a facebook in the first place. Well..... the following weekend, step son is at our house and hubby casually asked him about facebook and step son says "what's facebook?" which just CONFIRMED that it WAS her and not him this entire time, and it was just her trying to snoop around and be nosey and using step son to do it! 

Well, fast forward to Easter weekend... this year was her turn to have step son for Easter, so we took him his Easter stuff from us on Saturday. Hubby tells him that it's time for us to go, and he gives me a big bear hug and whispers to me "I love you, but don't tell my mom because she says I'm not allowed to".......... This was the first time that he's ever added that about his mom. When he's with us at our house, he tells me he loves me all the time, but I guess because we were in his mom's yard, he thought he'd get in trouble if she heard him. But I was dumbfounded! I hugged him back and said "I love you too buddy" and he hugged his brothers and his dad and went inside.

But I just don't get it. Why would she tell him that just to make him feel torn like that? I realize that she is insecure and resents me as his step mom, and there are some other things going on in the situation and my husband is getting ready to take her to court to get custody, but I just don't get it! I told hubby what step son said and he said "I know, I heard him, and I'm surprised you didn't run inside and rip her head off because I would have been ok with that" (LOL). I've been trying to forget about it, but I just can't. What type of woman would tell her kid that and make her kid feel like he is caught in a cross fire of some sort? 

by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 9:47 AM
Replies (11-20):
bzmommax4
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 2:22 PM
1 mom liked this
I just don't understand why women feel so insecure!!!

My daughter's dad's girlfriend called me one time and cussed me our and told me that I wasn't allowed to cut my daughter's hair ever again. I just laughed it off and took her again to have it cut a few weeks later. I'm the mama and she's just the dads girlfriend so after that i just have nothing to do with her. But I would never put thoughts in my daughters head about her (she already formed her opinion about her own her own lol). So I could understand if I was acting like that, but i don't, I stay out of things out of respect for BM....... Smh.
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not-the-momma
by Joyce on Apr. 11, 2012 at 3:30 PM

That kind of stuff just breaks my heart because you know BM is only thinking of her feelings and not her childs. 

We had a similar situation.  I'm CSM and have a pretty good relationship with SD(now 10).  I moved in with DH and the kids when SD was 6.  We weren't married yet because BM wouldn't agree to a divorce unless DH gave her more money, but there was no chance of reconciliation (BM had a BF) and we already decided we would get married after the divorce was final.  The kids were also told about this too.  I decided to move in prematurely for a number of reasons, but one main reason was that DH needed help with the kids and they all needed some normalcy in their lives.   Anyhow, I was tucking SD into bed one night, and SD hugged me back and said she wanted to talk to me about something but she was afraid because she didn't want to me to get upset with her like her Mom did.  I told her that she should never be afraid to talk to me about anything and I wouldn't get upset.  She asked me what a Mom was supposed to do because I did all the things her friends Moms did and her that her Mom didn't.   She said because of that she wanted to call me Mom, but her Mom told her I wasn't her Mom.  I confirmed that and told her that she only had one real Mom, but that I was more like a Stepmom.  She said she kind of thought so too, but that BM told her that she wasn't even allowed to call me Stepmom because DH & I weren't married.  SD upset because she wanted to call me Stepmom because I was like a second Mom to her but BM wanted her to call me "Dad's GF".  I felt for SD because her heart was telling her one thing and BM was telling her that wasn't acceptable.  DH & I talked and he told SD that I was her Stepmom even though we weren't married YET, and he stressed YET.  He said it was just a matter of time and that if she wanted to call me SM she could and if BM had a problem with it she could speak to him.   I know a lot of BM's get upset about BF's GF's being called Stepmom when they're not married, but the truth of the matter was, I wasn't just some girl he picked up in a bar, I was going to be his wife and help take care of his kids,  People gave me such a hard time about it and a couple years later, we're married and now those same people call me Stepmom like I was born into the role.  So the kids went thru all that pain and heartache for nothing.   

Skittles5
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 3:56 PM
3 moms liked this

A friend of mine once put it this way to me, Biomom hates me and my husband more than she loves her kids.  She wants them to like her better and never thinks of how it effects them.  I never understand it myself.  My daughter's father has this wonderful girlfriend whom I adore and I think she's been good for both my ex and my daughter.  I WANT my daughter to like her and I would be upset if she didn't.  I love hearing about the fun girly stuff she does with "caferine" (her name is Catherine) and I'm glad there's a woman on the other end to help my ex with the "girl stuff".

Carys119
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 4:04 PM

Sounds like your SS's BM is really insecure. I would not have even replied to that Facebook message. Do NOT engage crazy BM next time. I know it's hard not to, but it will save you a lot of stress. Save every single crazy text, email, or fake Facebook message (HA!) that she sends you instead.

That's very sad that she tells SS he isn't allowed to love his SM. What a selfish woman. My BD doesn't have a SM, but even if she did and I hated the woman's guts I would NEVER try to manipulate my child like that.

oriannawhitney
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 4:11 PM

my daughter's father says things like that to her. She comes home on the weekends and won't talk to my boyfriend (who has been a father to her). She says things like "i only have 1 dad and it's ******." She comes home and says ridiculous things. Mind you, she is only 5 years old. I asked her if her father tells her these things and she says yes. When I address him about it all he says is 'I never said that. I would never coach her like that' Some people are just so insecure and jealous and will never understand. I grew up with a stepmother and I always loved her. I didn't ever think that I had to replace my mother with my stepmother or that I could love one over the other. Maybe people that grew up with stepparents are more understanding. My daughter's father did not grow up with any stepparents and does not think it's okay to have my boyfriend be a father to my children.


MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Apr. 11, 2012 at 4:15 PM

I hear ya. It's really sad. My SD told me when she was about 4 years old that she loved me and gave me a hug after a t-ball game. Her BM was standing close enough to hear and she grabbed SD's arm, spun her around and told her that wasn't true. BM had a look of total shock on her face. My SD got upset because she didn't know what she did wrong. After all was over and we took SD back to our house, she told me she did really love me. I told her that I loved her too and she asked why her BM got mad at her. I told her that I didn't know (we have never bad mouthed BM in front of her or given her any reason to think that we don't like BM). My DH called BM and told her she was just going to have to face it that there was another woman in SD's life who loved and cared for her and that she should be grateful that I wanted to apart of SD's life and treated her well instead of being mean to her. Fast forward several years and now SD tells me all the time in public and in front of her BM that she loves me.

Hang in there, hopefully it will get better.

ec_mom
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 4:15 PM
Same here


Quoting ame4c:

 It's sad that she can't put her own fears and selfishness behind for the sake of the kid. 


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ec_mom
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 4:21 PM
Ditto


Quoting Skittles5:

A friend of mine once put it this way to me, Biomom hates me and my husband more than she loves her kids.  She wants them to like her better and never thinks of how it effects them.  I never understand it myself.  My daughter's father has this wonderful girlfriend whom I adore and I think she's been good for both my ex and my daughter.  I WANT my daughter to like her and I would be upset if she didn't.  I love hearing about the fun girly stuff she does with "caferine" (her name is Catherine) and I'm glad there's a woman on the other end to help my ex with the "girl stuff".


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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Apr. 11, 2012 at 4:22 PM
My thoughts were the same. There was no need to raise hell with BM. Just report the facebook account as illegal. It would be shut down with no problem.


Quoting sandeeyo:

As far as the facebook account that your ss "has".  You can email the folks at facebook and tell them, 1) he's under 13, and 2) BM set it up, ss doesn't even use the account, and dad doesn't approve.  They'll take it down based on #1, but #2 might make them take it down even faster! LOL


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spereira
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 5:42 PM
1 mom liked this

Hi,

How would you feel if the your ex's live in girlfriend (who was hypothetically a great person to your daughter.), how would you feel if your daugher told her she loved her?

I'm just curious.  

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