If you have EOWE skids, where do they sleep??
We are currently trying to redo our floors in our house and we have a new baby on the way. SD was sharing a room with my youngest. With approximately 4 mos before baby we decided to get a nursery ready. We agreed my two kids can share a room and bought them bunk beds. I assumed dh realized this was so the baby could have its own room (so it isn't waking the kids up). He apparently thought we were giving sd her own room and that the baby will be in our room (yes the baby will be in our room for a couple months). After telling him no he suggested we give up our bedroom for sd and sleep in the living room!! She only comes EOWE!! I talked him into her sharing a room with the other two........then I had to open my big mouth again. :(
SD is almost 3 and refuses to sleep in her toddler bed. He gives in and lets her sleep in a pack and play!!!!!!!!!! YIKES!! (sd's behavior and dhs lack of punishment are a huge issue in the household right now!!) I put my foot down yesterday and said NO MORE PACK AND PLAY!! Then, like I said, I opened my mouth again :( I suggested we move the toddler bed to the basement and bring it up on her weekends. Im not trying to leave her out, I'd have the bed up and ready before she came. My reasoning is, we are trying to redo the floors. One bedroom is completely off limits right now and we are refinishing hardwood in the living room so theres no where but the one bedroom left for the kids to play. BUT with bunk beds and a toddler bed set up they have no room in their bedroom either. I just suggested we move it back and forth. Was that horrible? Dh thought it was and is upset. He said, "this is *sds* house now too and its her room!!" Im not trying to leave her out or not let her have space, but I am trying to be practical. One of my friends said "when i went to my dad and stepmoms i slept on the couch and never minded a bit!"
What do you guys do with your skids??
Last night I tried to compromise with dh. I suggested we get some help from a few friends and get the 3rd bedroom remodel done asap. I told him then sd could have that room until the baby is old enough to move into there. I explained again to him the only reason I want the baby to have its own room for awhile is so its not waking up the girls all night. The nerve of this guy...... He told me that I was again leaving sd out!! He said she wouldn't feel at home and wouldn't understand why the older two got to share a room and I am making her be all alone!! It was his idea originally to give sd her own room!! I don't find it at all practical to give someone their own room for 4 days a month, but was trying to make dh happy! I asked him, "Why is nothing ever good enough for you or her?" He said, "She will always be my princess, get used to it!"
Quoting stashia:
Sounds like thats exactly what it is... eowe guilt.. but thats not fair to corrupt the whole househole. Shes 3 for shes not gonna care if her bed is set up with the other kids before she comes and taken down after!!! Hell he needs to be thankful you gave him that option... MEN!!!
Good luck and keep us updated!
All our kids have their own rooms (DD & 2 SDs) we remodeled to make that possible. My SDs share a room at BMs, so they like having their own space at our house for 12 nights/month.
I haven't read through the responses, but are you aware that they make bunk beds with a trundle under the bottom bed, for a total of 3 beds? The trundle could be pulled out for sd to use when she is there, but tucked back underneath out of the way when she is not. If it's not too late to get a bunk bed set like this, that's what I'd suggest. Sometimes, there is room under a bed to put a separate trundle frame that didn't come with the bed. If you can't return the new bunk bed for a trundle bunk bed, maybe you can do this. To consider giveing up your bedroom for sd when she is only there eow is just crazy! Sometimes, divorced dads speak before they think in their haste to please their kids!
I've suggested one on one time many many times. I really wish he would do it :( She needs it and so does he. You know, this is why I got so frustrated yesterday. I am constantly thinking of her and what would be good for her and then I feel like Im constantly being told I'm leaving her out in some way, shape or form by dh and others. When I suggest one on one, dh tells me I just don't want to spend time with her. I've tried to take my kids to my parents house (to force him into one on one time) and he tells me thats not fair because they are sd's grandparents now too. I can't play board games with the older ones (he says shes too little to play), I can't sit and do homework with my oldest while sd is here because I'm accused of leaving her out. I can't even purchase my children new shoes or clothes without dh and one of my friends suggesting thats not fair and I need to spend equally on sd. I think the constant accusations just really got to me. I honestly dont see a big deal moving a toddler bed. That bedroom isnt huge and with the bunk bed, toddler bed and 3 dressers (yes she has her own and that would stay put) theres not even much walking room. I'm not trying to hide her or not give her space. I just get frustrated and sometimes feel like people are immediately assuming I'm a horrible step mom. The basement is definately on our list of things to be done, but I'm sure you know how much that will cost considering the foundation will need some repair. I did offer up the baby's room for sd last night as a compromise, it was what he originally wanted. He shot me down, so I'm not sure what his excuse would be if I said we could finish the basement so she could have her own room. But again, that won't be for quite some time. We are not financially unstable, but we definately don't have the money to fund that project any time soon. I made a cute play area down there with foam mat flooring, but dh doesn't want sd to go up and down the stairs by herself so he was upset about that too. lol and now the older two wont go down there because they get scared when they hear the furnace turn on. Our house isn't huge, I bought it when it was just me and my two kids. I'm trying to do the best I can with what I have, but I'm by no means leaving out sd.
Quoting Ms.Gwen:
... More one on one time for DH and SD(as you suggested) and put all 3 kids in one room and make the 3rd bedroom the play room until ALL the construction is done and the baby moves into the 3rd room. I would also suggest starting a fund to finish the basement or add a bedroom. Then if DH can't see past his guilt at how unreasonable he is being you can put it back on him to contribute more to the 'SDs room fund'.
i sure wish we would have seen this before!! im going to look into trundles. thanks!!
Quoting blondepegasus:
I haven't read through the responses, but are you aware that they make bunk beds with a trundle under the bottom bed, for a total of 3 beds? The trundle could be pulled out for sd to use when she is there, but tucked back underneath out of the way when she is not. If it's not too late to get a bunk bed set like this, that's what I'd suggest. Sometimes, there is room under a bed to put a separate trundle frame that didn't come with the bed. If you can't return the new bunk bed for a trundle bunk bed, maybe you can do this. To consider giveing up your bedroom for sd when she is only there eow is just crazy! Sometimes, divorced dads speak before they think in their haste to please their kids!
Quoting stashia:I've suggested one on one time many many times. I really wish he would do it :( She needs it and so does he. You know, this is why I got so frustrated yesterday. I am constantly thinking of her and what would be good for her and then I feel like Im constantly being told I'm leaving her out in some way, shape or form by dh and others. When I suggest one on one, dh tells me I just don't want to spend time with her. I've tried to take my kids to my parents house (to force him into one on one time) and he tells me thats not fair because they are sd's grandparents now too. I can't play board games with the older ones (he says shes too little to play), I can't sit and do homework with my oldest while sd is here because I'm accused of leaving her out. I can't even purchase my children new shoes or clothes without dh and one of my friends suggesting thats not fair and I need to spend equally on sd. I think the constant accusations just really got to me. I honestly dont see a big deal moving a toddler bed. That bedroom isnt huge and with the bunk bed, toddler bed and 3 dressers (yes she has her own and that would stay put) theres not even much walking room. I'm not trying to hide her or not give her space. I just get frustrated and sometimes feel like people are immediately assuming I'm a horrible step mom. The basement is definately on our list of things to be done, but I'm sure you know how much that will cost considering the foundation will need some repair. I did offer up the baby's room for sd last night as a compromise, it was what he originally wanted. He shot me down, so I'm not sure what his excuse would be if I said we could finish the basement so she could have her own room. But again, that won't be for quite some time. We are not financially unstable, but we definately don't have the money to fund that project any time soon. I made a cute play area down there with foam mat flooring, but dh doesn't want sd to go up and down the stairs by herself so he was upset about that too. lol and now the older two wont go down there because they get scared when they hear the furnace turn on. Our house isn't huge, I bought it when it was just me and my two kids. I'm trying to do the best I can with what I have, but I'm by no means leaving out sd.
Quoting Ms.Gwen:
... More one on one time for DH and SD(as you suggested) and put all 3 kids in one room and make the 3rd bedroom the play room until ALL the construction is done and the baby moves into the 3rd room. I would also suggest starting a fund to finish the basement or add a bedroom. Then if DH can't see past his guilt at how unreasonable he is being you can put it back on him to contribute more to the 'SDs room fund'.
My step daughter has always slept on the couch. We have a guest room, and she still sleeps on the couch. When she was younger we didn't have the extra room and we had her every other weekend. She's never complained. Now that she's 16 we see her once a month, if that and she still just passes out on the couch. Your husband's mentality, to me, is a little appalling. Yes she's his first and fine, she's his princess, but he has other kids too. I don't treat my first any different than my other and I don't expect my husband to treat his oldest any different than our two. Sounds like you are stuck in the middle of battle field. Sorry.
thanks, sorry if i was grumpy yesterday. im a bit emotional and the added stress of his.....sensitivity....doesnt help matters. sorry. the sd fund is an awesome idea!! probably for both of us, i feel like im the one who is constantly buying her new clothes, shoes, accesories, neccesities, i guess im probably a bit overly bitter but didnt feel this way until i was not only not appreciated by him or her, but instead knocked down repeatedly. I think him paying for her room would both make us feel a little better. In the mean time she is sharing a room with the other two and i am looking into trundles. if he has issues with this he can share a room with her and i will share a room with my kids lol!! I think I may suggest the dreaded family counciling to him again.....wish me luck! Thanks again!!!!
Quoting Ms.Gwen:
Oh, that explains a lot. I'm sorry I didn't say this to you before now... I don't think you are a bad SM or just forgetting her/ leaving her out in any way! You are trying to use logic to solve your DHs emotional problem. Logic does not fix feelings. I know I'm absurdly logical and often come off as callous because of it! You may have noticed, lol? I was thinking the "SD fund" might be a way for your DH to lessen his guilt and if not pointing out his lack of contribution to it when he starts taking his guilt out on you may offer you a way to put it back on him. He needs to deal with the guilt. Face it and work through it. He can't because he is displacing it on to you. I think you've got to give it back to him.
Quoting stashia:
I've suggested one on one time many many times. I really wish he would do it :( She needs it and so does he. You know, this is why I got so frustrated yesterday. I am constantly thinking of her and what would be good for her and then I feel like Im constantly being told I'm leaving her out in some way, shape or form by dh and others. When I suggest one on one, dh tells me I just don't want to spend time with her. I've tried to take my kids to my parents house (to force him into one on one time) and he tells me thats not fair because they are sd's grandparents now too. I can't play board games with the older ones (he says shes too little to play), I can't sit and do homework with my oldest while sd is here because I'm accused of leaving her out. I can't even purchase my children new shoes or clothes without dh and one of my friends suggesting thats not fair and I need to spend equally on sd. I think the constant accusations just really got to me. I honestly dont see a big deal moving a toddler bed. That bedroom isnt huge and with the bunk bed, toddler bed and 3 dressers (yes she has her own and that would stay put) theres not even much walking room. I'm not trying to hide her or not give her space. I just get frustrated and sometimes feel like people are immediately assuming I'm a horrible step mom. The basement is definately on our list of things to be done, but I'm sure you know how much that will cost considering the foundation will need some repair. I did offer up the baby's room for sd last night as a compromise, it was what he originally wanted. He shot me down, so I'm not sure what his excuse would be if I said we could finish the basement so she could have her own room. But again, that won't be for quite some time. We are not financially unstable, but we definately don't have the money to fund that project any time soon. I made a cute play area down there with foam mat flooring, but dh doesn't want sd to go up and down the stairs by herself so he was upset about that too. lol and now the older two wont go down there because they get scared when they hear the furnace turn on. Our house isn't huge, I bought it when it was just me and my two kids. I'm trying to do the best I can with what I have, but I'm by no means leaving out sd.
Quoting Ms.Gwen:
... More one on one time for DH and SD(as you suggested) and put all 3 kids in one room and make the 3rd bedroom the play room until ALL the construction is done and the baby moves into the 3rd room. I would also suggest starting a fund to finish the basement or add a bedroom. Then if DH can't see past his guilt at how unreasonable he is being you can put it back on him to contribute more to the 'SDs room fund'.
thanks!! its nice to hear others think he is a bit.............too sensitive lol. I thought "am i really that unsensitive????" i realized last night when he refused to put her in her own room, theres nothing i can say to make him happy. the other two kids are mine from my first marriage, but still, its hard to have him put her on this pedistal. its really tearing apart the family. my kids express that they feel left out and im just getting so upset because nothing i do (even though i bend over backwards) is good enough for his daughter. not to mention the serious behavior issues we have with her on the weekends that adds extra stress. its tough, very tough!! thank you :) and i didnt suggest to him putting her on the couch, but i dont see a problem with it either....doesnt seem to affect my kids when they see their dad.
Quoting Mommy4000:
My step daughter has always slept on the couch. We have a guest room, and she still sleeps on the couch. When she was younger we didn't have the extra room and we had her every other weekend. She's never complained. Now that she's 16 we see her once a month, if that and she still just passes out on the couch. Your husband's mentality, to me, is a little appalling. Yes she's his first and fine, she's his princess, but he has other kids too. I don't treat my first any different than my other and I don't expect my husband to treat his oldest any different than our two. Sounds like you are stuck in the middle of battle field. Sorry.
Step kids and extracurriculars
- stashia
on Apr. 11, 2012 at 11:43 AM