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Just a question for SM's and BM's out there..(edited)

Posted by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 12:03 PM
  • 28 Replies

So I am just curious to all Sm's and Bm's do you do whatever it takes for the kids? Go out of your way to accomodate ex spouses because its for the kids?

I know I don't and had never thought about it until today. It made me realize that I need to be more accomodating and put my own feelings aside as a BM and SM. and do what is right for the kids. I have put my own feelings first. I am guilty of that on more than one occasion. And I need to realize and step back when I do and just be the peacemaker not the fire starter. That goes for me being more accomodating to my kids SM too and my skids BM. Not just BD.

So I guess my question also is..How far is too far to accomodate? Even if it is "for the kids" how far are you willing to go for the kids before its far and beyond accomodation?

by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 12:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ThatGirlJJ
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 12:28 PM

Biodad and I (stepmom) wanted joint birthday parties, bioMom able to stop by for a glass of wine while picking up the kids, etc.


I offered to take BioMom to lunch so that she could get to know me.

(Quick background) She made bioDad sleep in the guest room for 5 years and they fought in front of the kids all the time, so I'm not the reason for divorce.

Nothing worked.  She is just a lonely bitter person and will never do what is best for the kids.

She makes twice as much as BioDad does and still squabbles about little petty things. (he's over paying CS and we're modifying it now)

Just last night, she sent her oldest over here with shorts too small for him to exchange (wear to school the next day) for some very nice quality shorts that I got a garage sale.

She does that a lot...uses us and abuses us.  And we just try to ignore her.

Although, Biodad did have to write an email this time when his oldest said all of his shorts are too small and that mom won't buy him any. 

Yeah,  we were kind of ticked to find out SS is supposed to be doing an exchange program with the shorts that I buy for him and that DO fit him.

Good luck to ya!


Jen137
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 1:01 PM

When do you stop accomodating I mean yes. its for the kids to make them happy..But as it was dad just wanted me to do it so he wouldn't have to. So where do you draw the line?

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 12, 2012 at 1:08 PM

BM would never accommodate and DH preached for years that if he had custody he would do what is in the best interest of the kids.

BM has pulled some shit since DH got custody, and he has always stuck to his word...even when it would have been very easy for him to tell her to fuck off like she loved to do to him.

raegan1221
by Member on Apr. 12, 2012 at 1:10 PM

I have accomadated for my boyfriends dd. We plan to get married soon and he lives out of state only for 2 more weeks so I don't get to see her as often as I would like but I turned my office/bakery bedroom into a bedroom for her. I sold my desk, computer to get it out of there. I bought her a whole new bedroom set. She didn't even have a bedroom or bed at her Moms house. It tore me up knowing how badly her mother treats her, so I made her a room for herself when comes to my house. 

LoveMyBlessings
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 1:11 PM
1 mom liked this

I have a very unique situation that not many other people situations mirror... so it isn't the normal accomadations that I can or could do.

For our situation, I try to do anything that I can. I honestly couldn't do much more. I think we could get better on both ends about making phone/skype calls happen more frequently... but the truth is, BF is just as busy as we are over here and our schedules don't mesh easily. We both work around it and I have always said that a quick phone call can happen pretty much anytime even if kiddo and BF can't get on skype at that time. 

I have pushed feelings for SM aside and what is in the past just isn't worth rehashing. It does nobody any good. 

If the situation were changed and they were in the area, they would have much more presence in kiddo's life... where now, SM isn't involed at all on her own accord. For YEARS we all (BF, me, SM) wanted our own feelings put first and now I really feel that BF and I are putting kiddo first and what is ultimately best for our 9 year old. 

Momniscient
by Bronze Member on Apr. 12, 2012 at 1:15 PM
1 mom liked this

I am the parent that does 'what it takes' for the kids. Within reason. Ex is conflictual and does everything in his power to alienate. Kids need to have one positive role model in their parents so I put my personal feelings aside and I model the behavior I want the children to see.

I am accomodating without being a doormat. I keep and protect my 'power' so to speak, but I have no problem with doing what is necessary to make sure the kiddos do not see a conflictual relationship between their parents.

Sometimes that means suggesting that kiddos spend the night at the ex's house depsite it infringing a little on my time if it is a holiday situation and the turnaround would be quick (ie-I pick them up just to go straight to sleep and then have to go back to ex's the very next morning).

If he has family in town I try to make sure that his family has the opportunity to see the kids (the caveat is they have to treat me respectfully, and they know this as I communicated it to them outside of the realm of the kids).

Etc.

I know he will not do the same for me, but in the end it isn't about me. It is about kiddos and they need to be able to trust their own judgment. If I continually alienate and make it seem that their love for their father is misplaced then they will not develop a healthy respect for themselves.

Adults need to be adults. Kids do not.

Jen137
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 1:18 PM

This is what I was meaning..just going out of your way to accomodate other spouse. For the kids sake. I admit. I could be more pushing for my skids to call their mom. But I don't. I let her make the calls..which aren't that often. I could be more accomodating in that sense. But because of my own feelings towards her I don't make them call her.


Quoting LoveMyBlessings:

I have a very unique situation that not many other people situations mirror... so it isn't the normal accomadations that I can or could do.

For our situation, I try to do anything that I can. I honestly couldn't do much more. I think we could get better on both ends about making phone/skype calls happen more frequently... but the truth is, BF is just as busy as we are over here and our schedules don't mesh easily. We both work around it and I have always said that a quick phone call can happen pretty much anytime even if kiddo and BF can't get on skype at that time. 

I have pushed feelings for SM aside and what is in the past just isn't worth rehashing. It does nobody any good. 

If the situation were changed and they were in the area, they would have much more presence in kiddo's life... where now, SM isn't involed at all on her own accord. For YEARS we all (BF, me, SM) wanted our own feelings put first and now I really feel that BF and I are putting kiddo first and what is ultimately best for our 9 year old. 


Jen137
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 1:24 PM

I try to do this too. When my ex's family is in town there is no way I would say no. They get to spend time with his family as much as possible. I have never told him no on anything. (except the one time where he needed me to pick them up in my last post) I usually do what he needs. BUT I am selfish in a sense to where I don't do it lightly either. I might get upset about it. And i know I shouldn't. So this is why I am posting to learn how to control my own behavior.

Quoting Momniscient:

I am the parent that does 'what it takes' for the kids. Within reason. Ex is conflictual and does everything in his power to alienate. Kids need to have one positive role model in their parents so I put my personal feelings aside and I model the behavior I want the children to see.

I am accomodating without being a doormat. I keep and protect my 'power' so to speak, but I have no problem with doing what is necessary to make sure the kiddos do not see a conflictual relationship between their parents.

Sometimes that means suggesting that kiddos spend the night at the ex's house depsite it infringing a little on my time if it is a holiday situation and the turnaround would be quick (ie-I pick them up just to go straight to sleep and then have to go back to ex's the very next morning).

If he has family in town I try to make sure that his family has the opportunity to see the kids (the caveat is they have to treat me respectfully, and they know this as I communicated it to them outside of the realm of the kids).

Etc.

I know he will not do the same for me, but in the end it isn't about me. It is about kiddos and they need to be able to trust their own judgment. If I continually alienate and make it seem that their love for their father is misplaced then they will not develop a healthy respect for themselves.

Adults need to be adults. Kids do not.


pepper504
by Platinum Member on Apr. 12, 2012 at 1:31 PM

It works well when everyone involved gets along.  As a BM, my ex and I have 50/50 and we work well with regards to doing what DD15 wants to do.  So, there is really NO need to feel like I am accommodating anyone other than DD15 being put first and allowing her to do what she wants to do. 

As for being a SM, it is between DH and BM.  He bred with her, he gets to choose with that gem of a woman.  I make plans and if we have his son, we have his son.  If not, no biggie.  Either way, I do not play into the game of "yeah, you can have him" and then last minute "he does not want to be with you" because mommy planned something for them to do on DH's time. D.O.N.E. with games.  So, in the end, by having an ignorant mother who would rather TRY to hurt her exhusband for divorcing her because of who/what she is, she is really hurting her child and the kid woke up 2 years ago as to what his mother is doing.  Now he is over at our house more than ever the last two years. 

Jen137
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 1:34 PM

See that is where I don't want to be. I don't want to be the BM that is the bitch and won't do anything for the kids. I just don't want to be walked all over either.

Quoting WifeyC:

BM would never accommodate and DH preached for years that if he had custody he would do what is in the best interest of the kids.

BM has pulled some shit since DH got custody, and he has always stuck to his word...even when it would have been very easy for him to tell her to fuck off like she loved to do to him.


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