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Mother's Day for a childless Stepmom

Posted by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 12:53 PM
  • 80 Replies
1 mom liked this

I'm CSM for DH's two kids (10 & 14).  I don't have any bio kids of my own and although I know I'm not a "real" Mom, I am a SM and always feel left out on Mother's Day.  Even DH's SM (with no kids of her own) get cards and plants from her step grandkids for Mother's Day, so don't tell me it's just for real Moms. 

BM has always insisted on having the kids for Mother's Day and DH & I are totally on board with that.  The kids usually go to BM's while DH & I have the weekend to ourselves.  DH and the kids never really acknowledge me for Mother's Day except last year when SD10's class planted flowers for Mother's Day with a little painted stick to go in it.  SD gave the plant to her Mom but gave me the stick.  The only people who do anything to acknowledge me on Mother's Day is DH's Mom and SM and my sisters (they've given me cards, plants or treat me to lunch).  It's always an oversight for DH but I'm trying to learn to accept it.

Yesterday DH was scheduling visitation with BM for the next few months and for some strange reason it turned out BM didn't take Mother's Day (she took another weekend instead). DH said that at first BM was adamant that she get Mother's Day, saying, "the kids will be devastated if they're not with me on Mother's Day", but when she found out she'd have to have the kids back to back weekends she gave up Mother's Day in a heartbeat.

That means the kids will be here for Mother's Day.  I'm really worried about it because the kids have always been taught that it's BM's day and I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable.  At the same time I know I'll be hurt if they blow me off.  It's easy when they're not here because I can just pretend it's just another weekend.  I'm trying hard not to think about it and am thinking I'll just make plans to do something else.  Maybe go out with a friend and let DH have time alone with the kids instead. 

Any childless Stepmoms struggle with the same thing?

by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 12:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
laughnchica
by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 1:03 PM
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I don't have any bio kids and I'm not married to my SO yet so not a real "step mom" but my SO last year didn't get me a mothers day card or anything but got me some flowers and just said thank you to me for everything I've done and being there for him and his daughter. His daughter is too young to fully get mothers day but I think it's hard to not expect some sort of response from SO and kids especially when you've been there for awhile.
Maybe talk to your husband and ask that you get some sort of recognition from him at least. And I know there was a post about a step mothers day the weekend after mothers day. Maybe celebrate that?
As for the kids being there on mothers day, I wouldn't make the kids feel any pressure about it. Let them talk to their mom and maybe just give them the chance to say something to you.
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JacyB
by Bronze Member on Apr. 13, 2012 at 1:11 PM
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So, you're jealous. You can sit around and feel bad for yourself or you can do something about it. 

It's not fair to use your envy as some kind of crutch and try to place the blame elsewhere (Husbands fault for his percieved "oversight", BM's fault for her "selfishness", kids fault for their "ability to hurt you"). YOU need to accept responsibility for your own emotions and behaviors. I would spend this Mother's day refelecting on that instead of worrying about how everyone is "slighting" you. They arent. Mother's day is "just for real moms". However people may choose to honor whoever they wish, just because other people do it doesnt mean you're entitled to it. 

ThaliakarmaAB
by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 1:15 PM

Why don't you spend time with your mother? Wrote this before thinking, if she is in the area and stil with us, if not I'm sorry.

My DD and I always do something special together on Mother's day and since I've been with DH it's been well kind-of sticky. OSD does not get along with her mother very well and mom baby's YSD which causes issues with the girls so last year OSD kind-of horned in on my activities with DD, which ended up being ok but DD and I were a little put off. Why don't you have your dh go back and tell her the kids really would like to be with her on Mother's day.

bonusmom04
by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 1:25 PM
4 moms liked this
There is a Stepmother's day :-)
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not-the-momma
by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 1:33 PM

The kids will be with their BM on "StepMother's Day"

Quoting laughnchica:

I don't have any bio kids and I'm not married to my SO yet so not a real "step mom" but my SO last year didn't get me a mothers day card or anything but got me some flowers and just said thank you to me for everything I've done and being there for him and his daughter. His daughter is too young to fully get mothers day but I think it's hard to not expect some sort of response from SO and kids especially when you've been there for awhile.
Maybe talk to your husband and ask that you get some sort of recognition from him at least. And I know there was a post about a step mothers day the weekend after mothers day. Maybe celebrate that?
As for the kids being there on mothers day, I wouldn't make the kids feel any pressure about it. Let them talk to their mom and maybe just give them the chance to say something to you.


not-the-momma
by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 1:37 PM
6 moms liked this

Thanks.  I knew I could count on someone to say something rude.

Quoting JacyB:

So, you're jealous. You can sit around and feel bad for yourself or you can do something about it. 

It's not fair to use your envy as some kind of crutch and try to place the blame elsewhere (Husbands fault for his percieved "oversight", BM's fault for her "selfishness", kids fault for their "ability to hurt you"). YOU need to accept responsibility for your own emotions and behaviors. I would spend this Mother's day refelecting on that instead of worrying about how everyone is "slighting" you. They arent. Mother's day is "just for real moms". However people may choose to honor whoever they wish, just because other people do it doesnt mean you're entitled to it. 


newstepmom61811
by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 1:42 PM
3 moms liked this
Now there is some irony. With you on Mother's Day and with her on SM's Day. You have to at least find a little ironic humor in that...


Quoting not-the-momma:

The kids will be with their BM on "StepMother's Day"

Quoting laughnchica:

I don't have any bio kids and I'm not married to my SO yet so not a real "step mom" but my SO last year didn't get me a mothers day card or anything but got me some flowers and just said thank you to me for everything I've done and being there for him and his daughter. His daughter is too young to fully get mothers day but I think it's hard to not expect some sort of response from SO and kids especially when you've been there for awhile.

Maybe talk to your husband and ask that you get some sort of recognition from him at least. And I know there was a post about a step mothers day the weekend after mothers day. Maybe celebrate that?

As for the kids being there on mothers day, I wouldn't make the kids feel any pressure about it. Let them talk to their mom and maybe just give them the chance to say something to you.



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pepper504
by Platinum Member on Apr. 13, 2012 at 1:44 PM

I am not acknowleged by SS13 for "Mother's Day."  I do not expect to be as I am not his mother.

As a BM, I have always had DD15 call her SM and wish her a happy mother's day.  I also take DD15 out to get something for SM as a token of appreciation.  But the difference here is that I have a relationship with SM and DD15 has a wonderful one with her as well.  It is not something that is mandatory, it is something that I do. 

That being said, you may be SM, but these kids do not really view you as a mother figure.  That's life.  If you want DH to do something to acknowledge all that you do, tell HIM how you feel. 

Otherwise, just take the day as it comes and appreciate what you DO get from others instead of what you are NOT getting from skids/DH.

Momniscient
by Bronze Member on Apr. 13, 2012 at 1:46 PM
3 moms liked this

I think that it is really important to acknowledge SM on mothers day. I can see the struggle you have with your situation (it being kind of 'new' to have the kids on M day). Maybe talk to your husband and see if he can't break the ice by making you breakfast or something.

Don't pressure the kids, maybe even suggest they call their BM and just kind of chill about it.

I understand that it probably hurts your feelings that you are 'ignored' on mothers day and I personally (as a BM) think that SM's should be acknowledged. It's kind of a sticky subject though so it is understandable that it gets swept under the rug a bit.


styler7
by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 1:47 PM

 I am not in this situation but I completely understand why you would/could be hurt.

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