Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

discipline and the step

Posted by on Apr. 14, 2012 at 4:28 PM
  • 13 Replies

Ok, so I am in BIG need of some help/advice....here it goes...

I am the step mother to a 16yr old girl, who overall is a fabulous great kid, whom I love lots! But here is the situation...I also have 2 grown children that are married and have families of their own.

We (her father, me and herself) all have drawn up and signed a contract regarding school expectations. The contract simply states, that she needs to maintain a "C" average, not a "C-" average, but a solid "C" in order to have technology (i.e. cell phone, internet, xbox) friends over or going anywhere...if she can not do at least average work then she is GROUNDED!!! To her father and me she has one job, and that is to do well in school, this is her JOB...just like her father and I have our JOBS.

She is currently grounded because she received 4 "D's" out of 7 classes. She always gives excuses (like all teenagers do) as to why her grades aren't at the level that is expected. She has had trips cancelled due to grades (like a trip to see her best friend that moved the beginning of the school year...and a Florida trip over spring break). 

I view it as being totally disrespectfu( and very lazy)l on her part for not doing what is expected from her, and what she said she can/will do.  Her father says, it doesn't do any good because she doesn't care enough about anything and has never cared to do any good, and that he went thru the same thing with his oldest who is 22 and out of the house.

So here is the situation...Like I stated she is currently grounded because of her grades. To me grounded means grounded, you don't leave the confines of your house, you don't go the the mall with your parents, you don't go to your parents friends house, you don't go out to eat with anyone, including your parents because why, because your grounded for not DOING YOUR JOB!.   This also means that the parents go to their friends birthday parties, they do go to the movies, they do go out to eat because they ARE DOING THEIR JOBS...

When my husband and I were discussing who does what before we married, it was agreed that I take care of education, and the way she dresses (mainly)....I told them over and over again that with my grown children (27 and 23) that grounded equalled prison, and that I would even so much as boast about me going to the beach, the movies, out to dinner...gave them something to think about...and it only took a few times grounding for my grown children to get with the program and respect what rules have been placed...

Am I placing unrealistic expectation on her? I view letting her go with us anywhere is not right (she doesn't go anyplace even if she isnt grounded, she sits on the couch, texting, facebooking, and skyping...she doesn't even go across the street to the park that all high school kids hang out at)...I feel that maybe if she hears her father and I talking about how much fun we had at the movies, the museum, out to dinner, the beach, whatever maybe just maybe she'll understand what it means to do her JOB, and get with the program....

As of right now, there is absoluely no hope for her going to college (not that we wouldn't pay, but couldn't get in due to grades), she has no ambition to get a drivers license, and I have arranged 3 babysitting jobs for her on the weekend, that she has turned down...So the only other option for this kid in the near future is for her to get a full time job, but with the grades she is earning now, she couldn't even get a job at McDonalds....

Her mother is not in the picture at all and from what I've heard from my husband and other family friends, she acts exactly like her brother...lazy and disrespetful expecting everything to be handed to them....HELP I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE1!!!!!!!

by on Apr. 14, 2012 at 4:28 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
KellyReedy
by on Apr. 14, 2012 at 4:33 PM

I expect rules to be followed in our house! As well as so does my husband.

Good luck!

lilangilyn
by on Apr. 14, 2012 at 4:38 PM
1 mom liked this

Her father needs to come down on her more. And you need to find the thing that means the most to her. How about clothes? If clothes are what is important, you take away her cute clothes and give her 3 pairs of khakis and three white t shirts and a plain pair of tennis shoes. She wears these every day.

We were taught this by a very famous child psychologist who has trained many school counselors around the USA. You have to find what matters to the kid.

thatislife
by on Apr. 14, 2012 at 4:43 PM

Right now she doesn't seem to care enough to do anything to please you.  It is lack of a bond.  Rubbing it in that you are going out to have fun or not letting her do anything with you is going to reinforce that lack of bond.  I'm not saying it is fun and games time.  Yet maybe her Dad needs to explore his lack of relationship with his daughter and what he can do to form the kind of bond where she wants to please him.  Also has she been evaluated for depression?

nsparky1964
by on Apr. 14, 2012 at 5:06 PM


Quoting thatislife:

Right now she doesn't seem to care enough to do anything to please you.  It is lack of a bond.  Rubbing it in that you are going out to have fun or not letting her do anything with you is going to reinforce that lack of bond.  I'm not saying it is fun and games time.  Yet maybe her Dad needs to explore his lack of relationship with his daughter and what he can do to form the kind of bond where she wants to please him.  Also has she been evaluated for depression?

it's not that she doesn't seem to care enough to do anything to please me, its that she doesn't care enough to do anything to please anyone....we do have a bond, she does come to me for many things that is happening in her life, she shares her day, we "do" lunch and go out for girls days often.........the disrespect is long standing regarding discipline, dad would ground her (like taking her cell phone away), and mom would unground (as in giving back her cell phone and telling her to give it back before dad got home from work,,when mom was in the picture)...Now that I am here and i firmly believe in 1)education and 2) providing a united front, the teenager feels that dad is now being "unfair" and "is being way to hard on me now that she's came into our lives"

But dad feels guilty if we are doing so called "family activities" while she is sitting at home...and also feels that it does no good, because she just doesn't care....

newwife1
by Silver Member on Apr. 14, 2012 at 5:27 PM

did you or her dad know she was getting bad grades during the semester? Do you communicate with the teachers or check on her or anything?

I'd be surprised if her grades were some huge shock to you at report card time.

Are there tutors or study groups at school that she can work with? Who cares if she wants to do it, make her do it.


nsparky1964
by on Apr. 14, 2012 at 5:44 PM


Quoting newwife1:

did you or her dad know she was getting bad grades during the semester? Do you communicate with the teachers or check on her or anything?

I'd be surprised if her grades were some huge shock to you at report card time.

Are there tutors or study groups at school that she can work with? Who cares if she wants to do it, make her do it.


yes our school system has a web page for parents to check on attendence, disciplanary actions, grades and trascripts....I check the web site once a week (generally on Friday's,)...Also, she has 1 1/2hr study hall daily, numerous tutors (and peer tutors) in every subject possible..

As I've told my husband, I love her enough to make her hate me...it's my job to raise a functioning member of society one who contributes and isn't a was of carbon...



newwife1
by Silver Member on Apr. 14, 2012 at 5:49 PM


Quoting nsparky1964:


Quoting newwife1:

did you or her dad know she was getting bad grades during the semester? Do you communicate with the teachers or check on her or anything?

I'd be surprised if her grades were some huge shock to you at report card time.

Are there tutors or study groups at school that she can work with? Who cares if she wants to do it, make her do it.


yes our school system has a web page for parents to check on attendence, disciplanary actions, grades and trascripts....I check the web site once a week (generally on Friday's,)...Also, she has 1 1/2hr study hall daily, numerous tutors (and peer tutors) in every subject possible..

As I've told my husband, I love her enough to make her hate me...it's my job to raise a functioning member of society one who contributes and isn't a was of carbon...



Actually it's not YOUR job. It's your husband's job. Does he take any responsibility? What did he do before you came along? How long have you been married?

If you check her grades weekly, could this have been prevented?

And I'm totally on board with the grounding and taking away everything.

angelmommy2806
by on Apr. 14, 2012 at 6:03 PM
Sounds like Sd15. Dh does all disciplining including grounding. If she does something on my watch I tell him and he takes care of it.

Grounding at our house means you do nothing. The best thing they can do is go outside, but noone is allowed over. If one of the other kids has a friend over the one who is grounded gets to stay in their room.

The biggest thing is let Dh enforce it. If he isn't there than I usually say, you know your dad wouldn't allow this so I won't either.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
mirm99
by on Apr. 14, 2012 at 7:13 PM
I agree on the punishment.. its not that difficult to get Cs in school.. specially if she doesn't work..
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
looneytunes290
by on Apr. 14, 2012 at 8:33 PM
I agree with this- and I hope it's okay that I add that at our house kids don't get grounded for grades- they go to tutoring that takes a substantial amount of time so that they can bring their grades up. They have to do additional school work if their grades aren't good and this may take enough time that there isn't any left for ec -- if a child doesn't spend time on their studies then specific things get taken away- for instance my 12 yr old got behind on what is the equivalent of book reports - so he had his favorite priveledge taken away until he gets caught up- but he still has other priveledges. Anyway hope it helps has worked for my parents and myself.


Quoting thatislife:

Right now she doesn't seem to care enough to do anything to please you.  It is lack of a bond.  Rubbing it in that you are going out to have fun or not letting her do anything with you is going to reinforce that lack of bond.  I'm not saying it is fun and games time.  Yet maybe her Dad needs to explore his lack of relationship with his daughter and what he can do to form the kind of bond where she wants to please him.  Also has she been evaluated for depression?


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN