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How/When did you and your husband make your blended family official?

Posted by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 7:43 PM
  • 20 Replies

I'm curious as to the other stories of blended families on this forum.  I don't have any friends who have been divorced and are dating a single dad, so it makes it difficult to get helpful feedback at times.  My BF and I have been together for 13 months.  Our lives have grown to be very blended, his triplet 7-year old girls have been very accepting of me (he has them every other week), even his ex has accepted me as being in the picture.  But, I still have my own apartment (it's only 2 blocks from work so it's tough to think of giving up) and spend about half my time at his house.

The final step of moving in together and making this whole thing official still lingers.  I'm more ready than he is, but it's taken me the last 13 months to adjust to being with the girls for more than a few hours at a time, because, well...they are a handful.  :)  And I do enjoy my space, I won't lie, and I know much of that will be sacrificed when we live together.  But, I find myself more and more desiring of being together than being apart. The percentages have shifted over the past 13 months.  At first it was like 80% liked being on my own, 20% wanted to be with him and the girls.  Now, it's 80% of the time I want to be together with them but 20% of the time I'm glad I'm on my own.

My BF and I have discussed this.  He is not ready to make that step, mostly due to his own doubts of the relationship turning into the marriage he had, feeling trapped, etc.  And, I often wonder if I'm rushing things in my head, like thinking this is gonna be easier than it really is.  But, I have no other stories or people to use as a guide.  So, I would appreciate hearing your stories.  Not so much advice, just to know how others have navigated these waters.  They are not easy (I'm sure you know!) and I believe my BF and I both want the same thing and are on the edge of it, but we're both scared. 

Thanks for sharing your stories with me.

by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 7:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
packermomof2
by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 7:52 PM
1 mom liked this

It was official when we got married.  That made us a blended family because we became spouses, he became a SF, and my kids were SKs.  Before that we were boyfriend and girlfriend and my kids liked moms boyfriend.

lilangilyn
by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 7:55 PM

It was made official the day of our wedding. Before that, I was dad's girlfriend. Nothing more, nothing less. After the marriage I became dad's wife and a stepmother. So the ceremony made it official.

JackelineEllis
by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 7:57 PM
bump


Angelknot8
by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 8:02 PM

We were married after two years. Honestly it sounds like your boyfriend is being very smart by being careful of something he's not sure of. His kids should be first. Be glad that you know when he does decide he will be certain.

  




 
 

SeattleTriplets
by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 8:14 PM


Quoting Angelknot8:

We were married after two years. Honestly it sounds like your boyfriend is being very smart by being careful of something he's not sure of. His kids should be first. Be glad that you know when he does decide he will be certain.

Thanks Angel.

Yes.  I feel like we are taking the time we need to set the foundation for a good future.  And, yes, his girls come first.  Even I have been protective of them, not wanting to be an active part of their life until I felt ready to be in their life for a long time.  And, yes, when he makes the final decision to take that step, it will be because he is fully ready and that's what I want.  In the meantime, I work on my own fears and anxieties and be so thankful to have him and the girls in my life.  :)

looneytunes290
by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 8:20 PM
When we got married is hiw it became official, however our family has never blended completely- the people who live in our home blended nicely- the skids who visited have never really blended with the rest of us. Anyway this seems really blunt and maybe I'm wrong- but I kind of read into your story that you may be into this guy more than he is into you - i would never ever ever consider moving in with someone who had kids unless they were begging me and totally committed to working towards starting a family- if I'm wrong here are some other things to consider before moving in together:

will you be expected to parent the children by your BF- will his ex allow this- I a firm believer in only parenting when there is permission from both parents-


How will finances be split- many new SMs end up financially supporting skids- and then resent it the first time everyone gets ticked at them- its a hard habit to break once it gets started because when you pull your finances back out it's seen as "mean"


There are Soooo many things to consider an unless I had a guy who was willing to jump over the moon for me I would never consider it.
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SeattleTriplets
by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 8:56 PM


Quoting looneytunes290:

 I kind of read into your story that you may be into this guy more than he is into you - i would never ever ever consider moving in with someone who had kids unless they were begging me and totally committed to working towards starting a family-

I wouldn't say that I'm more "into" this guy than he is "into" me, but I do see that I am at a stage that I am more ready to take the next step than he is.  That is true, but it is also understandable.  I have had 6 years to recover from my divorce and I didn't have kids.  He has been divorced for 2 years and he has triplet girls to consider.  He is just needing more time.  And, of course, I would not agree to take the next step until he was truly ready.  But, I don't need to be begged.  I enjoy the life we have created together and I enjoy becoming more a part of his girls life, too.

Parenting? BF and I discuss issues but I believe it is the responsibility of he and his ex to set agreements on things.  Nothing has come up that I disagree with.  And I support his parenting, but he is their father.  Ultimately, the buck stops with him.  And we are growing and learning how that dynamic works for us.  His ex is supportive of me in the picture.

Finances? We split everything 50/50. Our choice from the beginning, for personal reasons I don't want to discuss.  But we have always been there to help the other person when a tragedy happens or finances are tight.  We discuss each adventure we take on and make a budget together.  We would continue to do that going forward.

We are building a partnership and learning from our previous relationships.  So far, it's been pretty great.  Just needing support on this in-between time.  But, thanks for your input.

katcb1019
by Bronze Member on Apr. 15, 2012 at 11:08 PM

 Dh and I were together about 6 months when we moved in together and got enaged. Shortly thereafter found out I was pregnant with dd4. We were married when she was 1. We had already been together for a little over two years at that point. Before the wedding I cant say we were exactly blended. For some reason, sd and odd seem to think they were more a family once we said "I do". I also cant say we are fully blended now cause we have issues odd as well as sd still.

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Apr. 15, 2012 at 11:13 PM
DH and I got together in Jan 06. Moved in together that Aug (but we've been friends since Kindergarten, so roughly 16 yrs at the time). Got married last Nov.
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ROBIN-C
by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 11:23 PM

 sounds like both of you are just about ready. maybe try to spend more time at his place when the girls are there to get a better idea of how it will be. remeber that eow you will have alone time! dont be upset if the girls get on your nerves, heck my own kids get on my nerves, lol!

s/o and i have been together 6 months. my daughter is 8, his is 15. both of our girls accepted each of us immeditaly. he will move in with me and my daughter this summer. he has talked in depth with his daughter and she approves. i will not tell me daughter til we are offically engaged, which will be soon he tells me, lol! daughter will tell her dad, who will not handle it well and i dont want him to know until things are official!

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