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Mother-In-Law invites ex-wife to family functions and holidays: yah or nay

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HI Ladies

I am looking for some opinions.  My mother in law invites my husbands ex wife to all family functions and holidays. This makes me and my husband uncomfortable. My husband has asked his mother not to do this and she agreed not to. But....at Easter we were eating with the family and up pulls the ex wife with the daughter. We have offered to pick up the daughter and bring her to the functions, but mother in law and ex-wife seem to prefer the ex wife come and bring daughter. 


Am I right to be upset or should we just shut up and accept that mother in law wants ex-wife at family holidays. Would this make you angry?

Thanks for your feedback.




by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 9:12 PM
Replies (91-100):
PROGENITOR
by on Oct. 19, 2012 at 9:52 PM
1 mom liked this

Not sure if you are right to be upset about it, I would be, but that doesn't make it rational. lol I think your DH has every right to ask that she not be invited. And his mother obviously does not care about his feelings. If this were us we simply would just hang with my family and not his, and they could come to us if they really wanted to.

alibrezzy154
by on Oct. 19, 2012 at 9:58 PM
1 mom liked this

unless the ex wife left on bad terms with the family she should still be considered part of the family imo. 

PROGENITOR
by on Oct. 19, 2012 at 9:58 PM

It sounds so much fun to play happy family with people you want nothing to do with. COD don't get to have what kids with parents together get to have. It is what it is. You can't make it into something it isn't.....sharing a child does not make a family in any way other than you happen to share a child. Family is so much more than that. You can't have the kind of family you'd have had if your parents were together if they divorced. That is the life the parent(s) chooses for their kids through their actions.

Quoting USBrit:

You said that you felt slighted because your parents didn't attend gatherings together, and other kids had that option. I don't know of anyone that does that, maybe I am sheltered, but here are my thoughts on this. My DH and I are treated as if we are invisible by the Ex anytime we are around her, thus making the "function", family gathering, birthday, whatever extremely uncomfortable. So, now you have Mom and Dad and their new spouses in a room with all the rest of the family, not having a good time, everyone is walking on eggshells pretending to have a good time......Does that sound like fun to you? My DH and I spend time with the kids and gkids on separate occasions and can totally relax and enjoy the day. So, for me I can't understand how you felt slighted if two people decided that it would actually "ruin" the event if they were all there together? Perhaps your Mom and Dad did the very best for you in the situation.

As for the comment about she is a part of the family forever....NO, No she's not! When you say that you are actually saying that the new wife is NOT a part of the family. The Ex is only involved to the extent that everyone includes her, and when the children are grown, there should only be occasions such as weddings, graduations where everyone is together. 

We are all adults, but we are entitled to live our lives with our spouses without the constant intrusion of their past or ours. We are entitled to be happy, and not uncomfortable. For those that the all together works GREAT...for those of us it doesn't.....well it doesn't. We are all just doing the best we can in our blended lives.


Quoting GirlWithANikon:

Shes part of the family forever. She birthed the daughter. Everyone put on their grown up underpants and suck it up and make DD think you are all have a f&*(ing ball.

That would have been so nice if my parents had done crap like that for me as a kid. They divorced when I was four and it was kinda sad I had all this family (both remarried) and yet I could never enjoy them all at once like other kids.



LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Oct. 19, 2012 at 10:08 PM

We have to do the two birthday party thing. A function that is specifically for the skid, I think, should include everyone. BM doesn't see it that way, so we are always expected to make a to do. BM makes a to do. SD now has a sense of entitlement. If it directly concerns that child, I would prefer that everyone work together for 1 to-do. It never works that way with us though. I suggested a birthday party at the skating rink and splitting the cost. She looked at me like I was nuts.

Quoting workoutmom2b1g:

So your telling me I should have TWO birthday parties for my 4 children. Tisk tisk on you. Maybe the party isn't about YOU. Its about the CHILDREN who had nothing to do with the BIG D. I'm sorry if it would make you that uncomfortable. I think its pretty ridiculous that GROWN ups can't do something outside of themselves sometimes. NO one is askin them to kiss and make up. Being in the same room won't kill anyone. 30 yrs is a LONG time to still be broken up and IMO not moved on if you can't spend an hr in the same room a someone. ESP for your grandchildren or children. If you can't say anything nice, ignore them. You don't have to talk to someone just because they are present.  

Quoting USBrit:

WOW! When my mother and father divorced, I never put them in a position where they had to be in the same room ever again. We never discussed the other parent or what they were doing with the other. What part of divorce do people not get. Why would anyone want to force two people that want nothing to do with each other together and say it is for the sake of the children. What pleasure would you get out of having two people who love you, tense and uncomfortable with each other at the same time. I think if you love your parents then honor them and respect that they have moved on!


As a child of a broken family, I would have LOVED for my whole family toget together sometimes. I'm sure it will in the long run make you SO daughter feel much more secure about herself. Think of it as being for her. I'm sorry if your uncomfortable. My husbands family, still to this day cant get together, because his parents that got divorced 30 yrs ago have a hard time being in the same room. As a matter fact, my MIL just told me today she is not coming to our daughters 1st bday party because she doesnt want to hang out with her EX. Did i mention its at a water park with hundreds of other people and about 12 other people in our party alone. Good luck!!




EricaG87
by Bronze Member on Oct. 19, 2012 at 11:19 PM

We wouldn't go.

Pero1
by on Oct. 20, 2012 at 6:07 AM
1 mom liked this

Maybe it's about time that you host some of the family functions at your house ...

USBrit
by Silver Member on Oct. 20, 2012 at 1:26 PM

 I can honestly say that the only thing that is good that comes from a death as opposed to divorce (my side) is that you have no drama. My DH is embraced by all my children and Grandchildren.

Quoting PROGENITOR:

It sounds so much fun to play happy family with people you want nothing to do with. COD don't get to have what kids with parents together get to have. It is what it is. You can't make it into something it isn't.....sharing a child does not make a family in any way other than you happen to share a child. Family is so much more than that. You can't have the kind of family you'd have had if your parents were together if they divorced. That is the life the parent(s) chooses for their kids through their actions.

Quoting USBrit:

You said that you felt slighted because your parents didn't attend gatherings together, and other kids had that option. I don't know of anyone that does that, maybe I am sheltered, but here are my thoughts on this. My DH and I are treated as if we are invisible by the Ex anytime we are around her, thus making the "function", family gathering, birthday, whatever extremely uncomfortable. So, now you have Mom and Dad and their new spouses in a room with all the rest of the family, not having a good time, everyone is walking on eggshells pretending to have a good time......Does that sound like fun to you? My DH and I spend time with the kids and gkids on separate occasions and can totally relax and enjoy the day. So, for me I can't understand how you felt slighted if two people decided that it would actually "ruin" the event if they were all there together? Perhaps your Mom and Dad did the very best for you in the situation.

As for the comment about she is a part of the family forever....NO, No she's not! When you say that you are actually saying that the new wife is NOT a part of the family. The Ex is only involved to the extent that everyone includes her, and when the children are grown, there should only be occasions such as weddings, graduations where everyone is together. 

We are all adults, but we are entitled to live our lives with our spouses without the constant intrusion of their past or ours. We are entitled to be happy, and not uncomfortable. For those that the all together works GREAT...for those of us it doesn't.....well it doesn't. We are all just doing the best we can in our blended lives.


Quoting GirlWithANikon:

Shes part of the family forever. She birthed the daughter. Everyone put on their grown up underpants and suck it up and make DD think you are all have a f&*(ing ball.

That would have been so nice if my parents had done crap like that for me as a kid. They divorced when I was four and it was kinda sad I had all this family (both remarried) and yet I could never enjoy them all at once like other kids.

 


 

USBrit
by Silver Member on Oct. 20, 2012 at 1:44 PM
3 moms liked this

 I don't agree! I think that we can have wonderful times without being all together. The one big happy blended with original family just says to me......

Hey look divorce is NO BIG DEAL, everything can just be the same as it was! When the truth is NOTHING is the same. I think it sends the wrong message! There needs to be "obvious" signs that divorce hurts... because it DOES. You can try and sugar coat it but things are NEVER the same and so why even give that illusion, why not be honest with the kids and just let them know that they are  loved and nothing will change that,  but Mom and Dad have changed and things will be very different. Truth always prevails.

Quoting Mrs.Miller11:

I dont see the big deal. She is the mother of the child. Why cant you all just get along? Honestly, the kids will thank you for it. The child should see the entire family together. That is the best interest of the child.

 

mandy65
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 3:08 PM

I am in the same situation.  I feel, as the current wife, that my mother-in-law just doesn't take into consideration my feelings.  She also invites my brother-in-laws two ex-wives! The real problem is, my MIL KNOWS that my husband and his ex-wife do not speak at all & haven't for years - her response to inviting his ex-wife is "well, they need to get along" - WHO SAYS? They DON'T have to get along if they don't want to.  They have a very bitter past between them and it hurts my husband so much JUST to even talk about it.  And then, his mother does this!! We are invited to his aunt's house for Christmas & before she sent out the invitations, she asked my MIL, whom is her sister, if she should invite the exes.  My MIL's reply was "well, if you invite one, you have to invite all", so guess what? These 3 exes are invited to our family Christmas.  My husband has said he is not going, whether his ex is there or not, simply because she was invited, which shows no respect for us.  I tend to agree with him, but it hurts me that, now, we have to miss Christmas because of this.  I completely disagree with the MIL inviting the exes to family functions and especially, holidays.  If she wants to have a relationship with my husband's ex-wife, she can have it, but not around us.  That is just the way I feel.  Believe me, if my ex-husband was invited to any of my familly functions, we would be divorced. Period!

 

OkieMommyOf6
by Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 3:10 PM

i think i would let mil know that if this keeps happening then you will not be attending if the ex is invited. there are certain things that are ok and others that should respected and treated for family only. not for ex family members.

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