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not allowed to disengage....

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I was having a really bad sm day yesterday....just tired of feeling like I do more for my skids than I get back or get credit for. I can sit with SD for two hours doing math homework that her BM doesn't understand,  she will go to school the next day and call DH all excited becase she got an 85 or 90 on her test...doesn't once acknowledge it was the work that WE did together or even bother to say thank you or want to talk to me about it. Tired of ss just pissing away resources and being rude to family and not respecting me and forgetting my birthday...

I am tired of feeling like I have to push DH and BM to actually parent these kids and feeling like sometimes, I am the only one that thinks about their future....anyhoo, I decided yesterday I am doing a lot of complaining! I decided NOT to complain about it and disengage...HA!

Last night SD calls up crying because she is being bullied in school and now her friend is being bullied. I was in the middle of pumping for DS and I tried telling DH that I am busy and I will talk to her later but he put her on speaker and left the room....so much for my disengagement.

Mother's day is coming up and I know the skids won't do anything for me and they will spend that weekend with BM who does nothing for them, emotionally, finacially, etc so I WANT TO DISENAGE but now I feel like no one will let me....what do I go?

by on Apr. 17, 2012 at 11:04 AM
Replies (11-20):
CoochieLibre
by on Apr. 17, 2012 at 11:47 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm a biomom and it's a pretty thankless job. They say thank you for the hard work I put in sometimes, but often I have to remind them. Heck, they're even rude sometimes. I just remind them that they're not allowed to talk to anyone with an attitude and things get calm again. I know it's even harder with sk's, but I think some of it is just normal kid behavior. It's up to us to steer them in the right direction. :)

blaquechinadoll
by on Apr. 17, 2012 at 11:49 AM
2 moms liked this
While I don't have that much involvement with sks, they expect the world for birthdays and Christmas. Meanwhile, I can't even get a hello, happy new years or anything for that matter. So, being disengaged feels just fine. I know when they contact their dad, they want something. I am usually too busy anyways, so he has to deal with them. I have my own child. Hell, sks have 2 parents. Even tho DH is active in DS life, he has only one parent. So, why should I be the third unappreciated wheel? Not interested.
lilangilyn
by on Apr. 17, 2012 at 12:07 PM

It is not about others allowing you or letting you. You simply do it. Your DH was an ass by the way.

Think of it like withdrawing slowly, little by little, so that it is not such a shock to the family system. If it had been me, I would have refused the call and I would not have let DH get away with leaving the room.

cc77
by on Apr. 17, 2012 at 12:11 PM

I have been there.  A couple years ago I worked really hard to get SD a lot of things that she asked for during Christmas and then the day we opened presents every present opening ended with "why did you get me this"  " I am too old for this" or " I don't want this give it to my little sisters".  I was heart broken.... It ruined my day to be honest. 

Her brothers and sisters could not believe her behavior and it hurt, but I did not let it be known.  I cried to myself and told DH to speak with her about manners at some point and that I would no longer buy her gifts that it was his responsibility. 

I am a very active SM, but this was one of those moments where I had to step back and realize kids don't realize how much they can hurt others and just deal.

jazzmonkey
by on Apr. 17, 2012 at 1:37 PM
I love to be there for the fun parts of parenting. I don't do the stuff I hâte. That is how I deal. I ask the kids about how they are doing at school, I don't check. I make them do their laundry. Clean their own room. I get them easter baskets and set up the egg hunt. I will go out to do things with them and cheer at their games. I try to enjoy my time with them. I am forced to maintain some discipline but avoid it as much as possible. I use to spend money on them but learned that lesson as well.
Faeta
by on Apr. 17, 2012 at 2:58 PM

~hugs~

dont ever do something because you want / need a thank you or some token in return. Cause if you work that way, its not a gift.


I totally know the pain of being forgotten about on a special day. Hell, a number of special days for about a solid year where DH and I were constantly arguing over his un involvement in our daughter, how his kids treat her, how his family treats her, etc. I even left. He forgot me for V-day, my first mother's day as a birth parent, my birthday, our anniversary, etc. He just didn't care.  I stopped caring.

We ended up talking about it, and a lot of things, and so far this year he's really gone overboard for the holidays. I just don't know if hes really trying to make an effort on it, to keep me from leaving for good or not. Cause he isn't doing anything to fix the real problem, the kids/family/how he treats my daughter.

Sometimes, you do have to point out your feelings towards them since they might actually be clueless. My DH cried the first Chistmas present I got him when we got together, cause up until that point no one ever got him a gift since he was 18. His former wife, his other fiancee, etc... nor his kids (he'd give them money for holiday shopping and forget him).  So some of these little things, he just doesn't think about.  Like birthdays, he gets his kids a party/stuff, but for himself... the idea of the kids making him a cake and saying "happy birthday dad, I remembered your day" would be..... well.. yeah...

He didn't get the idea I was hurt cause he totally forgot, it wasn't because he didn't buy me anything, etc. but he didn't even say Happy birthday honey!

sidelinesally
by on Apr. 17, 2012 at 3:53 PM

Those moments really suck. SO and I were lying on our bed watching a bit of tv and SD13 comes in and says "Goodnight Daddy" and walks out of the room...It hurts but it's equally hard to stop doing for them.

Freida79
by on Apr. 17, 2012 at 4:10 PM
1 mom liked this

OMG!!! It's like looking in mirror when I read your story! I have been arguing with my DH about the same things. I'm tired of the being the only one enforcing the rules WE decided on for HIS KIDS. When I tell my DH that I am disengaging he calle me a quitter. I feel he is the one who is a quitter. When I came into the picture 4 yrs ago the SKIDS were animals, getting away with whatever they wanted, bought whatever they wanted and talked how ever they wanted. I told DH I would not stand for it, so I guess he feels that if I'm not ok with those things then I need to be the addressing them, HELL NO! I just thought that maybe he didn't want to have to bail his kids out all the time when they got older or see them beat up all the time because they have no idea how to act in public. Thier BM is no help either, she is the one who has them more and just out of spite for my DH she will let the SKIDS do what they want because she knows it bothers us. I too sit at the table for hours doing homework with the SKIDS and never get any credit for the time and effort I put into it. I'm the one who buys/wraps all the presents for every holiday, makes sure to buy at the store what they need, cooks, cleans, pays bills and still cares for the SKIDS as if they were my own. NOT ANYMORE, I'm OVER IT!!!!! MY MIL is picking the Skids up from school because I told DH I will not do it anymore, I get no respect, no appreciation and no privligaes as a SM,

(sorry for such a long rant,I guess it just struck a chord when I read your story,lol(

zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Apr. 17, 2012 at 9:44 PM
Quoting CoochieLibre:

I'm a biomom and it's a pretty thankless job. They say thank you for the hard work I put in sometimes, but often I have to remind them. Heck, they're even rude sometimes. I just remind them that they're not allowed to talk to anyone with an attitude and things get calm again. I know it's even harder with sk's, but I think some of it is just normal kid behavior. It's up to us to steer them in the right direction. :)




Your right..but then why do I know that my 5 month old appreciates me and he can't even speak...but my step kids....we'll just step on me
zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Apr. 17, 2012 at 9:48 PM
Quoting Freida79:

OMG!!! It's like looking in mirror when I read your story! I have been arguing with my DH about the same things. I'm tired of the being the only one enforcing the rules WE decided on for HIS KIDS. When I tell my DH that I am disengaging he calle me a quitter. I feel he is the one who is a quitter. When I came into the picture 4 yrs ago the SKIDS were animals, getting away with whatever they wanted, bought whatever they wanted and talked how ever they wanted. I told DH I would not stand for it, so I guess he feels that if I'm not ok with those things then I need to be the addressing them, HELL NO! I just thought that maybe he didn't want to have to bail his kids out all the time when they got older or see them beat up all the time because they have no idea how to act in public. Thier BM is no help either, she is the one who has them more and just out of spite for my DH she will let the SKIDS do what they want because she knows it bothers us. I too sit at the table for hours doing homework with the SKIDS and never get any credit for the time and effort I put into it. I'm the one who buys/wraps all the presents for every holiday, makes sure to buy at the store what they need, cooks, cleans, pays bills and still cares for the SKIDS as if they were my own. NOT ANYMORE, I'm OVER IT!!!!! MY MIL is picking the Skids up from school because I told DH I will not do it anymore, I get no respect, no appreciation and no privligaes as a SM,


(sorry for such a long rant,I guess it just struck a chord when I read your story,lol(




Yes! Exactly...I didn't tells dh that I was disengaging because I would get the same answer you did or he would yell at the kids and just make them feel bad but then go right back to feeling guilty and allow them to run wild again and make me feel bad. I feel good right now. Dh is actually doing math homework with ss as I write this...it is funny how I back off the more he becomes engaged...maybe I did this wrong the whole time..silly me!
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