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SS15 needs more discipline at home BM wont do anything about it...

Posted by on Apr. 18, 2012 at 7:21 PM
  • 8 Replies

Ok ladies i need some advice,  My ss15 has turned in to a very disrecpectfull liying and just getting out of control young man.  He used to be so awsome so honest so caring and wonder full and now he hit 14 and boom a total flip flop.  He plays his mom like a fiddle.  He says one thing to his dad and turns around and backstabs him in the back.  He is starting to lie to alot of people.  Now i know its not my place to say anything or do anything but  i really thinkg the BM needs to do or have more discipline at home.  

Heres why,  He will get done with school, BM will text her son and ask if he has any home work he says no i got it all done in school im going over to a friends house see you at 9 tonight. BM belives him,  a few months down the road report cards come in.... Hes failing every class except his band class.    There have been 2 girls he recently dated saying that hey have engaged in sex with him.  BM and DH confront him and he says no.  

He is using his family for money, his mom will dropp everthing at the dropp of the hat just to give him what he wants.  She says that he wont listen to her....Jee I dont know why.........Um he wont spend alot of time with his uncle inless his uncle has money.   

I told my husband that its time they all start playing hard ball but we cant get the bm to stick to her guns and do it.    She just lets him walk all over to her,  She is more strict on MY SS sister (who isnt my husbands btw) then she is on him....  

What do we have to do?? Ive thought about sitting down and having a parent meeting first and then envovle the ss to let him know whats going on.  

I just dont know what to do, I dont know how to help my husband on this ne ideas??

btw my husbands only gets to see him every other weekend and whenever he gets through the town he lives in.

by on Apr. 18, 2012 at 7:21 PM
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by on Apr. 18, 2012 at 7:59 PM
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I think you do nothing. Other than support your husband.

And your husband needs to drive this.

Most teenagers are boundary pushing and self centered. As frustrating as it is...

I would let the bios handle it unless you have an AWESOME and long term (8+ year) relationship with ss.
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by Bronze Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:28 PM

 Your DH, even as an EOWE parent, can have alot of impact here even without BM's support. 

I would pick one particular thing, say Grades, and have Dad start giving positive reinforcement to try to change the behavior.  Find out what motivates the kid and give it to him when he keeps his grades up.  Maybe, "If you don't ahve any missed assignments for the next 2 weeks, we'll get Pizza from your favorite place when you visit!", and then longer term goals like, "If you get all A's this semester, I'll take you to a basketball game!". 

by Silver Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 4:16 PM
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Sounds like my ss16 except I add that mine no longer showers and it is really gross....they are testing boundries, bio parents feel guilty about the divorce and don't want to be the "bad parent" so little to no discapline is taking place..yep yep...I am here to momma...nothing we can do. Look up my post about disengagement ;-)

by Silver Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 4:25 PM

 I guess you just have to deal with it e/o weekend of BF needs to enforce may act this way at your BMs house if that's what she wants, but who will act xyz way at this house, and if you don't here are the consequences.

by Silver Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 4:37 PM

YOu can only control what goes on at your house.

If she wants to let him run wild and not do his homework that's on her. Being NCP there is not much you can do when he's at her house.

by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 5:49 PM
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This also sounds familiar. We are beating our heads against the wall trying to teach them how to be the best they can be and BM gets them ice cream to comfort them for getting F's. I deal with the same things, have been in their life for 9+ years and it is so hard watch. I'm driving myselfcrazy working full time and feeling like the only parent who gives.a darn about their future. I found this site yesterday after having surgery on my back and a falling out with SD last Friday. I say we disengage a little and not stress ourselves out. Take care. You're not alone my friend.
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:47 PM
Fyi - we've done parent meetings, counseling with BM, thought it would help, but you can't change people. BM lies about how involved she is and her rules, and lets kids do everything they want because they work her. I don't let them get away with that. There is an expensive field trip coming up and we told SS he had to pass all classes to go, but what does BM do? Pays it all and tells him that's ok. Grrrr. He always claims his homework is done. Do we really have to go thru everything every night? I found alot of missing school assignments in his backpack recently and advised his dad he needed to address it so he did and helped him. These teens seem to get away with lying and not having consistent rules and it shouldn't fall on us. As stepmoms we can only do so much.
by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 10:06 PM

Thanks for all the help ladies.  I think I will use some of ur advice.  My husband Is just at a loss since his son isnt with him all the time theres not a whole lot he can do to enforce stuff when ss is at bm house on a fulltime basies and only sees us everyother weekend.  But BM still calls and complains to him that she dont know what to do with him and his grades are still constintly dropping,  No matter how hard we try and theres still rumors floating around that ss is having sex.  Were both just at a loss and I just dont know how to best support my husband on  this.  But thanks ladies the comments are hug

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