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Really considering holding back SS

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 7:33 AM
  • 8 Replies

My SS turns 6 next month but this school year has been one thing after another. At first we thought he was trying to adjust to kindergarten but in this whole school year (started Aug 17th) he has had 3 happy face days, over 40 yellows, 9 blacks (worst offense sent to principals) and the rest reds next step up from yellow. We also have my DD who is in kinder but has a different teacher. She is exceling when we thought we would get the calls home for her. We have tried nemourous reward systems, sitting in his class, taking away all privliges for up to a week at a time. He throws massive fits at school ending up in him throwing his chair, or cursing. We as a family finaly got settled into a good routine, and reward/dislipine system last November and the other 3 children have adjusted well but he hasn't. His fits get worse and worse with me when his dad isn't home (luckly it isn't often since DH works at home) but Its becoming a distraction for everyone involved. he is in councling at school and outside of school. We are out of ideas and considering holding him back because his social skills lack so much. If he doesn't get his way he screams at anyone and usually the other kids will give into him just to shut him up. We have tried positive renenforcment, ignoring the tantrums, nothing has worked. DH is at his wits end and has reflected on how he has spent the last 5 years raising him compaired to me raising my DD's (which isn't a great comparison) but he relizes that he did spoil him to much, and that even at the preschool he went to for two years employed his aunt from his BM's side. He has always gotten his away for the last 4 years. but we have been a "family" since oct 10' wouldn't this have worked out a bit by now and not gotten worse? He isn't ADHD. If he would just sit down and listen he can do his work (he does have some good days at home) but if he doesn't want to and you want him to the world is going to blow up. He has said over and over he has no friends in his class but from my stance looking from what happens at home I know why. He is bossy and manulitive to everyone. His 9 year old brother is scared not to give into him because he screams at him or punches him. My DD and him (same age but a month older than SS) get into heated battles. He was the youngest and she is my eldest. She is just as strong willed and won't put up with him demanding things. I have had to break up fights that the 4 year old and 9 year old say he thew the first punch. He back talks a lot to my DD and that is one of her pet peevs. She has learned though to walk off, she will come inside and go in her room but he tries to follow her. DH and I are out of Ideas. BM isn't in the picture, my ex is and does help A LOT with all four of the kids. But we are running out of ideas. We know because of his disruption, and lack of will his grades have slipped severly but is this a good reason to hold him back. We have 3 weeks left in school, we have worked with the school since day one but there really is no other options at this point.

by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 7:33 AM
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Replies (1-8):
loriloct18
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 8:00 AM
If you, DH, and the school feel that is in the best interest for SS I would hold him back. He sounds alot like one of my exs boys. He started Kinder this year and he threw massive fits to the point where his father ended up being at school everyday. Then they made it that when he got home since he had a bad day at school he wasn't allowed to do anything at home. Finally after the first 2 six weeks they got him under control. I should also mention he is a twin and the other done great (all greens besides one or two yellows). Sometimes it's not quite how the child was raise but the child and it's personality.
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DDDaysh
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 8:10 AM
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I'm curious.  How do you know he isn't ADHD?  Has he had a formal comprehensive evaluation from a child psychologist?  

Given the fact that statistics do not, in fact, support the idea that holding children back once they've already started school has any long term positive results, deciding to do so should be considered an extreme decision made only when it doesn't seem like any other option will work for the child.  (Note:  Retaining in K is not the same as starting K late.)

Unless you've gone down the road of using experts and evaluating him to see what the issue is, then I don't think it's an appropriate time to decide to hold him back.  This is especially true since his behaviors are making home and not just school difficult.  Holding him back is only going to make hiim angrier, it's unlikely to fix anything at all.  I think you need to get those evaluations ASAP and work with him on the missed skills alot the summer.  

jazzmonkey
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:21 PM
It is too soon to judge. Get the skid into à child study center. Go ahead and register him for kinder. Hé will qualify for services If hé goes and not If hé doesn't. The school will want you to not enroll him as hé will be on their dime If you do. Once hé is tested and evaluated , you can make an informed decision. I was a nanny to à kid that acted that way. It ended up being the kid needed glasses. And really poor parenting. After à year of firm boundaries and rewards for good behavior she straightened up. She was still à pill but was good in school.
happyfeet215
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:34 PM

I agree.  We didn't have behavioral issues but learning disabilities.

Our insurance company paid for my skid and dd to get tested through a disability testing agency.  You should have one in your area.  They call them different things:  try googling Center for Devolopmental Center it should get you hits.

They each had a psych eval, tested for ADD and other learning disabilities, IQ test, hearing, eyes, and speech eval.

If there are limited funds:  The school should and will do it for free.  Ask for an IEP.  The school will be slow and won't do it unless asked.

It is not too early!  In fact it is never too early! 

As far as the behavior......a consistent front will have to be put into place.  He is too young to give up but young enough to change the behavior.

Quoting jazzmonkey:

It is too soon to judge. Get the skid into à child study center. Go ahead and register him for kinder. Hé will qualify for services If hé goes and not If hé doesn't. The school will want you to not enroll him as hé will be on their dime If you do. Once hé is tested and evaluated , you can make an informed decision. I was a nanny to à kid that acted that way. It ended up being the kid needed glasses. And really poor parenting. After à year of firm boundaries and rewards for good behavior she straightened up. She was still à pill but was good in school.


Cambriagurlmom
by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 8:17 PM

They have had him tested last year during the summer. He only showed depression. Since DH was out of town last week i decided to take control into my hands just to see if it helps (I had simlar problems with my edest daughter a few years ago so I started from the basis like i did with her) This happened after I got the note about him visiting the principals office twice in one day resulting in in-school suspension for two days. On Thursday (which was my daughers 6th birthday) I had already planned a cake and presents nothing big for any child this year and they all know it. I got his folder and he had a better day but as soon as my daughter started opening her presents he was screaming at her and being bossy as usual. I told him he was grounded to his room for the rest of the evening. He then went into the "I hate you, You don't care for me, She gets special treatment ect" I ignored him and just repeted go sit in your room for the rest of the day. All the kids went outside and played for the rest of the evening and about every 20min he would come down stairs and try to sneek outside and each time i sent him back up. He screamed the entire time but I am suprised I was able to keep my own cool and keep sending him to his room. He TRASHED the room and I don't think he didn't stop screaming for 4 hours. It was an extremely long night but everyone was able to ignore it. My daughter remembered that I use to do this when she was being rude and disrespectful. Of course he didn't get his shower in so I had to wake him up early on Friday morning to take one. His voice was non existant but i atributed this to the screaming. I did write a note to the teacher and let her know what had happened. I do Birthday lunch with my school kids (I go and eat lunch with them) so I went on Friday and ate lunch with my daughter. since her class is right across the hall from his class I went and spoke to his teacher. She said he was a little angel all day and we are meeting next week when my DH gets back in town. She is concerned about his acidemics to. Because of his disruptions he is unable to complete his class work (this happens at home more then anything when that work is brought home) his reading levels is no where near half year kinders and he is still struggling in number skills. DH was happy that it did work he felt bad that he wasn't here to help but honesly I'm glad he wasn't. He still gives into SS sometimes (and there is blame for me sometimes with my youngest something that we both are trying to work on) He should be back tommorow and I'm hoping that we can get some time to talk about it and I can explain what my "tatics" are so he can be on board. We have always had diffrent parenting styles because he ended up with a 4 year old out of no where that had PTSD and unfortunally the youngest is his only child so he is spoiled. I'm glad that DH has relized this over the last year. but our family is still a work in progress.SS is at his grandmas (which I hate because she spoils him worse than anyone) but I let her know that he was in suspension and she finally stopped seeing the little angel she thinks he is. If it were not for me working 11p-7a tonight and tommorow I would have grounded him home but I don't have any options this week. I have my girls at their dads, and my other SS went camping with a family friend.

ShannaBee
by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 8:22 PM
Is he in counceling.
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Cambriagurlmom
by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 8:46 PM

yea 3-4 times a week with a pedi specialist, and 1-2 times a week with the one at school. He acts fine as long as he is getting his way so nothing has really shown up at either. School wanted to stop theirs because they didn't see a problem. but we fought against it.

jojojack
by Bronze Member on Apr. 22, 2012 at 1:52 PM
How are you so sure its not add adhd?
My dd had some of these behaviors in school mostly at home i am tough and super strict so it isnt so bad. She was tested in first but not diagnosed by school. School has her classified as emotionally disturbed so she would qualify for services as needed .
I had her repeat kindergarten. I had to fight with them to do it. I do not regret it at all.
school refused to test until first grade. She scored above average everywhere its all behavioral .
I took her to a psychiatrist during second kindergarten year and was told it was depression he started dd on a minute dose of prozac. Worked for a while then she became worse. I then took her to another psychiatrist and together based on symptoms decided it was add adhd. New meds. Its been a crazy up and down battle on a daily basis for us. I find being consistant with schedules bedtimes eating homework and just about everything is a must.behavior charts and rewards worked for us. Consequences must be followed through and you have to let him know you mean business. Good luck.
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