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Going To Try To Post Again!!

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Good Morning!

I thought I'd try to post here again.  Although I greatly appreciate all the replies and info I have received since joining not long ago, I was not prepared to be pounced on when discussing my step kids.  I try to word things very carefully as to not offend anyone or to speak badly about my step kids, who I love dearly.  But I thought this forum was to be able to vent and get ideas and suggentions to make us better step moms to these great kids!  That being said...I'm going to give it another whirl:

HELP!!  My ss is 15 1/2!  My dh to be has custody of his two kids and I have my two, so we have them all the time with the exception of weekend visits.  The kid's mother abandoned them to the care of their father while running off with another woman (not judging, just sharing info).  My dh is a terrific father!  Their mother is a mother when it's convenient.  Unfortunately while sd is pretty good at cleaning up after herself, ss is NOT!  He has been enabled a bit by my dh and his mother doesn't have time for such things as teaching her kids how to put dishes away, throwing away trash, etc.

Now unfortunately this is filtering into my life.  I work at home and have clients coming in so it is necessary that our home be neat and clean.  I will say that ss talks the talk and says that he wants to help and he wants to learn how to do things...when it comes right down to it, he's pretty lazy.  I have said things to my dh (very gently) and sometimes it's well received and sometimes it is not.  So I have just kept my thoughts to myself.  Dh does see some of his messiness sometimes and will say something to him.  We're talking this kid doesn't know how to hang clothes on hangers, how to put underwear and socks in drawers, how to throw his trash away, how to unload the dishwasher and seperate forks from spoons and how to stack plates so when you open the cabinet, everything doesn't fall out.  I have shown him MANY times but it is not improving.  I am at a loss and would appreciate some suggestions.  

Thanks for your help...have a terrific day!  :-)

~Julie In Ohio~

Mom of 4 Teens

"Two wrongs don't make a right!"

by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 7:37 AM
Replies (21-30):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 9:31 AM

I focus on solutions to step problems. 

my advice is actually the same as most of the advice in this thread.

Again, the OP can't "teach" this child anything. So, she has to focus on a different solution. She has entered a family where the kids are almost grown and her fiance has a different parenting style. This is the family she has entered, she won't be successful in changing it. So she needs to learn to find ways to deal with it so it won't affect  her or cause her stress.

Quoting luckystars2012:

How do you know her status? Is there more to this story than the op posted? How do you know they aren't married, or that it wasn't actually her house that dad and kids moved into? And regardless, the child is not the adult here and has no authority whatsoever. If he doesn't want to "recognize" SMS authority by cleaning up his own messes when he's told, then maybe the kid doesn't need to be allowed outside his room.

Way to encourage teaching kids that it's ok to be lazy!!


Quoting whatIknownow:

She does not have that power. She's dad's live-in girlfriend. The kid wont' recognize her authority. If Dad's live-in girlfriend tries to punish  him, he will simply rebel. 

The  OP can try to get Dad to "teach" his child a new trick after 15 years, but it's unlikely that he will. Therefore, for the SM's own peace and sanity, the strategies of asking Dad to clean  up after him, and lowering her expectations, are most likely to help her achieve her end goal.


Quoting luckystars2012:

 She absolutely has the right to require SS to pick up after himself, and punish him if he does not.





drumlinemama
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 9:46 AM

Let me clarify our status....my fiance and his two children moved into MY home with myself and my two children.  He sold his home before we got married so for financial reasons, it made sense for them to move in two months before we get married.  We are getting married on May 5 so I feel I am more than his "live in girlfriend".  It was an economic decision...not a choice to "shack up".  You gals are silly and I am learning I must give FULL details before posting anything!!!  :-)

~Julie In Ohio~

Mom of 4 Teens

"Two wrongs don't make a right!"

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 9:53 AM

but you're still  his live-in girlfriend, right? I mean, you're not married.

so the BF moves himself and his two kids into your home, and one of his kids is a slob.. we got that part right?  

the advice is the same. Tell your fiance to pick up after his kid, and stop worrying about the mess behind his bedroom door.

Quoting drumlinemama:

Let me clarify our status....my fiance and his two children moved into MY home with myself and my two children.  He sold his home before we got married so for financial reasons, it made sense for them to move in two months before we get married.  We are getting married on May 5 so I feel I am more than his "live in girlfriend".  It was an economic decision...not a choice to "shack up".  You gals are silly and I am learning I must give FULL details before posting anything!!!  :-)


luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 9:58 AM
No, she is not his "live in girlfriend". She is his fiancé, an he and his kids moved into HER home.

She has every right to expect that skids will pick up after themselves.


Quoting whatIknownow:

but you're still  his live-in girlfriend, right? I mean, you're not married.

so the BF moves himself and his two kids into your home, and one of his kids is a slob.. we got that part right?  

the advice is the same. Tell your fiance to pick up after his kid, and stop worrying about the mess behind his bedroom door.


Quoting drumlinemama:

Let me clarify our status....my fiance and his two children moved into MY home with myself and my two children.  He sold his home before we got married so for financial reasons, it made sense for them to move in two months before we get married.  We are getting married on May 5 so I feel I am more than his "live in girlfriend".  It was an economic decision...not a choice to "shack up".  You gals are silly and I am learning I must give FULL details before posting anything!!!  :-)



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:01 AM

Everyone has the right to expect anything they want.

But here, we look for solutions to problems. Expecting the unreasonable, the unlikely,  is going to exacerbate her problem, not solve it.

Quoting luckystars2012:

No, she is not his "live in girlfriend". She is his fiancé, an he and his kids moved into HER home.

She has every right to expect that skids will pick up after themselves.
4and1mom
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:01 AM
I don't care whose house it was you still have the right to expect certain things in your home from any kid that lives in it be it a bio, step or neighborhood kid. If your dh wants this to work then he will get on board.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:18 AM
Why can't she? Because you say so?

Do you think that all teenagers are mentally retarded and incapable of learning anything new?

I will never understand this mentality that mediocrity is acceptable because the skids are teenagers.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I focus on solutions to step problems. 

my advice is actually the same as most of the advice in this thread.

Again, the OP can't "teach" this child anything. So, she has to focus on a different solution. She has entered a family where the kids are almost grown and her fiance has a different parenting style. This is the family she has entered, she won't be successful in changing it. So she needs to learn to find ways to deal with it so it won't affect  her or cause her stress.


Quoting luckystars2012:

How do you know her status? Is there more to this story than the op posted? How do you know they aren't married, or that it wasn't actually her house that dad and kids moved into? And regardless, the child is not the adult here and has no authority whatsoever. If he doesn't want to "recognize" SMS authority by cleaning up his own messes when he's told, then maybe the kid doesn't need to be allowed outside his room.



Way to encourage teaching kids that it's ok to be lazy!!





Quoting whatIknownow:

She does not have that power. She's dad's live-in girlfriend. The kid wont' recognize her authority. If Dad's live-in girlfriend tries to punish  him, he will simply rebel. 

The  OP can try to get Dad to "teach" his child a new trick after 15 years, but it's unlikely that he will. Therefore, for the SM's own peace and sanity, the strategies of asking Dad to clean  up after him, and lowering her expectations, are most likely to help her achieve her end goal.



Quoting luckystars2012:

 She absolutely has the right to require SS to pick up after himself, and punish him if he does not.








Posted on CafeMom Mobile
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:21 AM

well, since you and I differ in our opinions of what the best strategy is for the OP, we'll just have to agree to disagree.

Quoting luckystars2012:

Why can't she? Because you say so?

Do you think that all teenagers are mentally retarded and incapable of learning anything new?

I will never understand this mentality that mediocrity is acceptable because the skids are teenagers.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I focus on solutions to step problems. 

my advice is actually the same as most of the advice in this thread.

Again, the OP can't "teach" this child anything. So, she has to focus on a different solution. She has entered a family where the kids are almost grown and her fiance has a different parenting style. This is the family she has entered, she won't be successful in changing it. So she needs to learn to find ways to deal with it so it won't affect  her or cause her stress.


Quoting luckystars2012:

How do you know her status? Is there more to this story than the op posted? How do you know they aren't married, or that it wasn't actually her house that dad and kids moved into? And regardless, the child is not the adult here and has no authority whatsoever. If he doesn't want to "recognize" SMS authority by cleaning up his own messes when he's told, then maybe the kid doesn't need to be allowed outside his room.



Way to encourage teaching kids that it's ok to be lazy!!





Quoting whatIknownow:

She does not have that power. She's dad's live-in girlfriend. The kid wont' recognize her authority. If Dad's live-in girlfriend tries to punish  him, he will simply rebel. 

The  OP can try to get Dad to "teach" his child a new trick after 15 years, but it's unlikely that he will. Therefore, for the SM's own peace and sanity, the strategies of asking Dad to clean  up after him, and lowering her expectations, are most likely to help her achieve her end goal.



Quoting luckystars2012:

 She absolutely has the right to require SS to pick up after himself, and punish him if he does not.









luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:26 AM
It's not unreasonable to expect a teen to pick up after himself.


Quoting whatIknownow:

Everyone has the right to expect anything they want.

But here, we look for solutions to problems. Expecting the unreasonable, the unlikely,  is going to exacerbate her problem, not solve it.


Quoting luckystars2012:

No, she is not his "live in girlfriend". She is his fiancé, an he and his kids moved into HER home.



She has every right to expect that skids will pick up after themselves.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:34 AM

it is unreasonable, in this particular situation. Dad doesn't mind that his son doesn't pick up after himself. Mom doesnt mind either. The kid has spent his whole life not picking up after himself, and no one has minded. So, it is unreasonable to think that she, the new SM, could get him to change his habits when his own father doesn't care about it.

If Dad himself wanted SS to start picking up after himself, it would be a different story. That is why my advice was to have Dad pick up after his son... because maybe if Dad  himself had to do it, he'd be motivated to get his son to do it himself. 

But regardless, whether Dad does it or he gets his son to do it, the effect to the OP is the same - it gets done, and that's what matters to her.

Quoting luckystars2012:

It's not unreasonable to expect a teen to pick up after himself.


Quoting whatIknownow:

Everyone has the right to expect anything they want.

But here, we look for solutions to problems. Expecting the unreasonable, the unlikely,  is going to exacerbate her problem, not solve it.


Quoting luckystars2012:

No, she is not his "live in girlfriend". She is his fiancé, an he and his kids moved into HER home.



She has every right to expect that skids will pick up after themselves.


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