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letting go of sd.

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:17 AM
  • 36 Replies
I got my sd when she was 3yrs old. her parents divorced when she was 2 and she has no memory of them together. Now she is 8. I always tried to be close to her and played second mom. I would spend a fortune on her and do e everything I could to make her happy. but recently, it has come to my attention that she wants her parents back together. i know that is supposed to be"normal" but some how, I feel betrayed. after all her father is taken. hes mine! not right of her to want him for her mom. or maybe because I have tried so hard to be good to her. . I have real hard time being a step mom. I hate that whole situation. help!
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:17 AM
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CoochieLibre
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:22 AM
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I think it's perfectly normal for kids to want their parents together. My children adore my bf and they adore dad's gf, but every now and then they tell me they wish I was still with dad. I just remind them how we (dad and I) get along better now that we're not together anymore and how there's so much less tension in our homes. 

I wouldn't take it as a betrayal of you... she's just wishing for what every kid wishes for. *hugs*

pepper504
by Platinum Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:23 AM

Really?  Not to diminish your feelings, but really?  My DD15 wishes that her father and I were together and we split when she was about 2 years old.  It IS what every kid wants.  Does not mean that they are going to get what they want.  I know that SS13 would like for his parents to be together as well (the divorced when he was 5), but it is not going to happen. They 'get' that.  So, just be a good "JWess" and nip that bit of insecurity out in the bud.  It is NOT going to happen and everyone knows that they are not going to get back together.

Hugs.


WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:23 AM
2 moms liked this

This is a perfect example as to why SM's should not try to be Mom or even second Mom.

braezmommy89
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:24 AM
4 moms liked this
Shes 8.... Shes not an adult she doesnt understand "hes taken"

My sd is 7 and told df he needed a new gf and it should be her mom.... we both just laughed and df told her " nope im keeping this one, shes daddys soon to be wife, i love her and she loves you" sd said ok! And went back to playin hopscotch haha

Dont take her feelings personally as hard as it may be, and dont let it drive a wedge in the relationship you have built...
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lilangilyn
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:25 AM
1 mom liked this

Yes, it does feel hurtful. I went through something similar where my SS broke down and cried after our marriage and said he wished his parents could be together again. He said other hurtful things as well.

It is very normal, it that makes you feel better. It has probably happened in some form or another to most of us here. Try to walk in her shoes a little. It must be hard to see intact families and know that you will never have that. Hugs.

whatIknownow
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:29 AM

She probably didnt' mean it personally. It's not about you. It's natural for a child to want her parents to be married to each other. It is certainly easier for them if they don't have to go back and forth between homes. There is really no reason for this to affect your relationship with SD.

what does your title, "letting go of sd"  mean?

weirdkids
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:30 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting WifeyC:

This is a perfect example as to why SM's should not try to be Mom or even second Mom.


i dont agree with that. my ss lives with us and i AM his second mom. always has been. he comes to me with things he wont talk to his bm or bd about. he even refers to me as mom2 at school he says he got sick of trying to explain it. he has 2 moms and a dad. mom1 is nuts and thats why he lives with dad and mom2 but we are both his moms. he loves the situation because he gets 2 families. im even mom2 to my nephew who spends more time at my house than he does at home by his choice.

Mommy4000
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:32 AM
1 mom liked this

It is normal for her to not understand why her parents aren't together. It's instilled at a young age, from tv or from other friends, that moms and dads marry and have kids, it is considered the norm. My step daughter went through the same thing and she had no memory of her parents ever being together. She was 2 when they separated and I didn't come into the picture until she was almost 5. So she had plenty of years in between seeing her dad with no one, and seeing her mom move on and get married. Once she was mature enough to truly understand things, she accepted that her mom and dad were not going to be together again. She's 16 now and when I ask her if she still wants her mom and dad back together, she says no, they'd kill each other lol.

Eta, sorry I forgot to give my advice, give her space, keep being there for her as much as you always have been. Let her have her feelings, don't push for her to have certain feelings for you. Just keep things the same and keep showing her that you are in her life because you care about her. I can almost guarantee she will come around and eventually realize that you are important in her life, and she has a good thing even if her parents aren't together.

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:46 AM


Quoting weirdkids:

 

Quoting WifeyC:

This is a perfect example as to why SM's should not try to be Mom or even second Mom.


i dont agree with that. my ss lives with us and i AM his second mom. always has been. he comes to me with things he wont talk to his bm or bd about. he even refers to me as mom2 at school he says he got sick of trying to explain it. he has 2 moms and a dad. mom1 is nuts and thats why he lives with dad and mom2 but we are both his moms. he loves the situation because he gets 2 families. im even mom2 to my nephew who spends more time at my house than he does at home by his choice.

Great for you.  What happens if you and DH seperate? 

Let me guess...you will get visitation with SS?  Dh would never keep you from his kid?  Oh wait - I bet you are in the CO!

ShannaBee
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:52 AM
This is just a normal reaction. She loves both parents and is torn between two households.
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