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Should we let BM "lay in her bed" *UPDATE*

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:20 PM
  • 44 Replies

You know the saying " you made your bed, lay in it!"? Well BM may be facing that reality here soon but she wants us to bail her out and DH is not buying it. BM divorced DH to marry an airforce guy with 3 kids of his own and two ex wives. He got stationed out of state and she moved with him letting Dh have physical custody of the kids. BM's two younger stepkids live with their BM in Florida and BM is in Idaho with her DH and 17 yr old stepson who recently moved in with them. Anyway, The way things worked out since everyone is in different states is that BM and her DH gets all 6 kids for the summer. This has never gone very well and she usually ends up sending my skids back to us early because they don't get along with their step-siblings. This year, the plan is the same only DH refuses to let the kids come back early and wants BM to just figure it out. Here is where you can see why it is such a disaster over there though. BM is bipolar and has lots of anxiety so she often hides in her room and is afraid to take all the kids anywhere. Her oldest SS is a brooding teenager who wants nothing to do with the younger kids and her DH works long days every day while BM is alone with all the kids. Her SD is also bipolar and has a mother who is described as "nuts" so that speaks for itself. My oldest SD is autistic with a possible mood disorder and really clashes with her sister and stepsister and can be violent toward them. My younger SD is the one that BM puts in charge of the other kids (shes 10) when BM doesn't want to be around them. She also does not get along with the other girls and has some emotional trauma that she is still dealing with. The two boys (her ss and my ss) are the easiest but they are hyper little 7 and 8 yr olds.

So Bm has been hinting that she wants to send the kids back home early again this year or not have my oldest SD come at all! She says having her is like having 3 kids at once (which I get because I have lived with her for over 3 yrs) but she is still her daughter. SD would be devastated to learn that her brother and sister were going to visit Mom for the summer but not her. I see both sides but I don't see any good solutions to this. DH wants to tell BM, too bad, you choose your situation, live with it. Thoughts?

So I went ahead and sent BM an email suggestion we check out some summer day camps to keep the kids busy and happy. She mentioned that money is tight for them having 6 kids over the summer and that it won't be fair if all the kids can't go. I responded saying "what about summer school for SD"?, a solution that I just thought of. She seemed to like that idea so hopefully that work out and solves this dillema! (or at least helps a bit).

by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:20 PM
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Replies (1-10):
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:20 PM

BUMP!

lilangilyn
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:23 PM
3 moms liked this

I think the mom needs to learn how to handle her own kids. She brought the children into the world and bears that responsibility. I think your DH's instincts are right.

Ms.Gwen
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:29 PM
1 mom liked this
I think I would respond to this sitch one if 2 ways....

1st option...
Find an awesome summer camp/ activity that oldest SD can get super excited about that is during BMs visitation time. Send the younger 2 to visit BM as requested.

2nd option...
Let BM send them home early.

Both of these options have nothing to do with 'helping' or 'saving' BM. It has everything to do with the what's best for the kids! Your skids should not be forced to endure time sent with a BM that resents them/ doesn't want them around! If it's so important to you that BM receive her comeuppance than rest assured... That will happen soon enough when the skids decide that they don't want to have anything to do with HER!
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jazzmonkey
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:36 PM
2 moms liked this
I'm all for BM getting hers but not at the kids expense. Please don't do this to the children. Personally I would enforce as much as possible the two sets of skids being kept away from each other. I say good for her not wanting to cause trouble for her kids and realizing her limits. She is Actually being à good mom. Have some compassion for her illness, that is what bipolar is by the way. If she had cancer would your DH say good she gets what she deserves. It might Actually be better to send the autistic child alone ,but you should talk to her doctor about that. Please reconsider putting the skids in a bad situation. À short happy visit that is in there expectations is better than à long miserable one.
geauxinginsane
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:38 PM

Sounds like a lot of drama to deal with. I wouldn't want my bk to go through all that.  I am a believer in having bm lie in the bed she made but not at the expense of the kids- esp the ones who need extra care to begin with.  That is out of their control and they shouldn't be punished for it.

Kenre
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:47 PM
Bm needs to have her kids split the summer with the skids. Only have one week they are all there. her kids first and then his kids. like that.
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DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:51 PM

 Generally it is not possible to force an NCP to spend time with their children.  Keep this in mind.  Also, how would your DH feel if something bad happened to the kids because she was overwhelmed? 

I don't think that she sounds like a very good Mom, but that's really not the issue here.  The issue is what's best for the kids and what he can legally do.  So, try not to think about what's "fair" only what's possible and what's good for the kids. 

pepper504
by Platinum Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:52 PM


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

I think I would respond to this sitch one if 2 ways....

1st option...
Find an awesome summer camp/ activity that oldest SD can get super excited about that is during BMs visitation time. Send the younger 2 to visit BM as requested.

2nd option...
Let BM send them home early.

Both of these options have nothing to do with 'helping' or 'saving' BM. It has everything to do with the what's best for the kids! Your skids should not be forced to endure time sent with a BM that resents them/ doesn't want them around! If it's so important to you that BM receive her comeuppance than rest assured... That will happen soon enough when the skids decide that they don't want to have anything to do with HER!

This is PERFECT, Ms.G :)

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:26 PM

This is what she wanted to do but apparentely BM's DH's ex booked a plane ticket for their kids to go there the whole summer and refuses to change it. They said they are trying to convince her to change it but it most likely will not happen. DH and I have been flexible every past summer letting her bring them back early. It a really tough decision because the kids want time with their mom but rarely get it because even when they are there, she is too stressed out to have quality time together. But, we feel like we cannot make any plans at all because we have to be on alert in case BM wants to send them back. We care very much for the safety and sanity of the kids, so of course that is the most important thing, but it seems like she always has an easy way out. When parenting gets too tough for her we are there to bail her out, and she kind of plays the role of the victim and the kids have started to think that way too. We just don't want to be taken advantage of by BM for the next 10 yrs until the kids are grown. Ugh, its so complicated ;/

Quoting Kenre:

Bm needs to have her kids split the summer with the skids. Only have one week they are all there. her kids first and then his kids. like that.


Rae706
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:34 PM
1 mom liked this

I would try to figure something else out for the kids sake. I can see why 6 kids would be challenging, even if no one had any additional issues. If it were only hurting BM, I would say go forward as planned, but it sounds like an unhealthy situation for the kids.

On a side not, GOOD LORD don't you want to slap some people in the face? I want to drop kick your BM for trying to leave one kid at home! GAH that pisses me off beyond belief!!!!

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