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Do we tell SS his mothers fiancé is criminal?

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:46 PM
  • 65 Replies
Ok, so I am new here but wanted to get your opinions on the situation my fiancé and I are in. He has full custody of his son and BM technically has no visitation rights but we have let SS visit with her every other weekend and on some holidays for his sake. In January she got a new boyfriend and things started going downhill. They moved in together right away. She and I get along for SS sake and are friends on Facebook and she started airing her dirty laundry about her new boyfriend(now her fiancé) and their court situation with his daughters mother so I got concerned.

I had a cop I know pull BM's fiance criminal record and found out he has been arrested SIXTEEN times since 2008-2011 for charges from domestic violence to burglary, trespassing, drug possession and more. My DF told BM about his criminal history and that that SS could no longer stay with her and she can only visit SS in our city (they live a couple hours away) without her criminal fiancé. He is allowed nowhere near SS.

My question is this- SS is 10. Would you explain to him why he can't stay with his mom anymore or tell him he can't be around her fiancé or just avoid the conversation? DF's mother and I feel like SS is old enough to understand but my fiancé feels like telling him will not be good for his well being at his age. DF and I are going to talk more about it tonight and make a decision on we are going to do. What are your thoughts on this?
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by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:46 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MC1117
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:48 PM
Sorry for all the spelling/typos/grammar mistakes. Posting On my phone.
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krazykiddles
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:48 PM
6 moms liked this

Explain that Mom isn't making the best decisions right now and your just keeping him safe until she makes wiser choices.  Keep it simple no need to explain all the dirty details.

MC1117
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:51 PM
That's all I want to say. But DF thinks SS will ask questions and end up asking his mom (on the phone) and then she will lie to him about it...leaving SS sad, confused...
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krazykiddles
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:59 PM
1 mom liked this

If mom lies explain "That isn't what we were told and due to all the confusion, we ourselves aren't sure exactly what is going on. So lets just give her some time to figure out her life.  Adults have difficult decisions to make at times and this is one of those times for her".  It keeps it simple and puts it back on Mom

Ms.Gwen
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:59 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree with krazy. I think telling SS about the guy will just make him scared for his moms safety! My SS
Is 10 and I know that's how he would respond to it.
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eviesmom453
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:02 PM

No. Not your place. Why would you even consider doing that?

krazykiddles
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:04 PM

You don't want to make a 10 year old feel like he has to "protect" mom while he is there.  That would be harmful to your relationship as well.  I can see the 10 year old saying "Mom NEEDS me there". "What if he hurts mom and i'm not there to stop it".  WAY too much pressure on him.  Keep it simple and leave it all on Mom's shoulders.  I have a 10 year old son also and they have enough stuff going on so keep the adult details to the adults. 

MC1117
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:14 PM
Eviesmom did you even read the post? My fiancé and I are talking tonight about what we are going to tell him together. I may not have given birth to SS but we raise him
full time together. Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:15 PM
I can't think of anything that would be accomplished by telling him about the fiance, other than to discredit his mom.
newwife1
by Silver Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:16 PM

I would go to the BM first.

Tell her what you know and that if that man is in the house SS will not be able to visit her.

It's up to her to do something about it.

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