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My husband is trying to get visitation of daughter he has never raised

Posted by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 7:30 PM
  • 72 Replies
My husband filed to have visitation of his daughter (11yr. old) that he never had much to do with and never live with. there is a lot of fighting among the x- wife, my husband and the courts. He was given sometime with her, but she really does not want to be with him... She is being forced by court order. Some how I am the bad guy because my husband wants us all to spend time together and the courts think she should be alone with him??? I do not under this and feel hurt. This is hurting my relationship with my husband, he wants to do what the courts are asking him to do so he can win visitation. The worst thing about this is the daughter wants nothing to do with him.
by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 7:30 PM
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by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 7:48 PM
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Honestly, if I was your dh I would take things VERY slow. She doesn't know either of you and you can't expect an eleven year old to all of sudden want to be close to what she likely considers complete strangers.

I personally would not force things with her. Take things very slow and get to know her. I wouldn't force visitation if she is uncomfortable...instead maybe take her out to dinner or the park. Work slowly up to having her more.

by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 7:53 PM
I think it is good he wants a relationship with her. When she gets to know him things might get better.
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by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 7:57 PM
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 What do you expect if he hasn't been in her life on a regular basis then why would she want to spend time with a literal stranger???

by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 7:59 PM
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I think it makes sense that she gets to know dad first and then extended family after.

I think alone time with dad for about a dozen or so visits then introducing other family members its fair.
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by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 8:29 PM
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Is there a reason why he wasn't around the first 11 years?
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by Member on Apr. 21, 2012 at 9:10 PM
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I find it strange that the courts request you not be around. Is it supervised visitation? If it's supervised I would understand that. I would guess that once he has some more visits with her, things will start to come easier. Why doesn't she want to see him? Is it something he has done, something the mother may have told her that would make her not want to go? Why did he decide he wanted visitation after 11 years? If you push too hard with a child, especially at that age, they are going to push right back. They need comfort & stability. Just let everything play out & be happy after each visit because it makes it that much closer to making your family complete. Don't think of it as a negative, think it's working towards the positive.

by on Apr. 21, 2012 at 9:33 PM

I would definitely let dad get to know her before bringing you into the mix. It's going to be hard enough for her to let dad in.

by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 9:17 AM
Thank you all so very much for your replies... They're truly appreciates.. So the story continues, we have been going through this for 8 month now. He had very little exposure to the child since she was born. One the past 10 years he would see the child for a day here or there, always with the x- wife present... He would take them on a vacation, ( again with x- wife around) she would not allow him to have her if she was not present.

Yes, the x-wife has said negative things to the child about her father and the child really does not like him... ( it is sad... When I look in her eyes when she is with him she looks afraid ). He is not very good with her and has no idea how to raise a child... No parenting skill whatsoever. This is where I come in. I have raised 3 wonderful child all in college now, so I am the one who knows what to do, i plans age appropriate activities for her. When I am around things go a lot smoother.. She was starting to adjust to her new situation. ( sure would se rather be with her mom than with us yes, but it was okay. The ex-wife decided that my husband did not spend enough alone time with her and went to the guardian, ( the truth is he did not we spent most of the time together as a family and he relied on me to take care of everything.) he does not know how to be a dad... He wants to be a good one, he just does not know how.. So, now I am forced to be out of the house when she comes to visit now... The problem is twofold, one who make a wife leave for a weekend, and two. Thing have gone down hill since he started spending the alone time with her... She is unhappy and angry, not all the time. If he takes her to a park, buys her things, keeps her active. Things are fine... Just put the in real life and things fall apart..

I love my husband and want to do whatever is necessary to fascinate a good healthy relationship with his daughter, but things are getting worse all the way around. The little girl is so sad, her perfect life with her mom has been turned upside down and she does not want to be forced to be with her father... What do we do?????
by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 9:22 AM
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What do you mean by "the courts think she should be alone with him?" Does  it say in the court order that he needs to spend his visitation with his daughter alone?

If so, he should follow the court order. This is not about you. He needs to build a relationship with is daugher, there is no reason for you to be involved with that at this time. HIs daughter wanting nothing to do with him is a much bigger problem. If I were you, I'd encourage him to try to spend time with his daughter, on her terms. He should get to know *her* life, maybe he can get her to acccept him into her life.

by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 9:27 AM
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An 11-year-old is old enough to understand an adult conversation as to why your husband wants to spend time with her. He should explain how he feels and that he knows he has messed up and wants to now be a part of her life now. Treat her in a way that demonstrates her feelings are important.

As far as you are concerned I would write her an old-fashioned note to say how you feel in a less intrusive way. 

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