Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Baby on the way and boyfriend wants me to do more for his 2 kids???

Posted by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 5:27 PM
  • 26 Replies

Hi there,

I'm new on here and wanted to find an outlet where I could discuss issues arising from a relationship where my partner already has 2 kids.  My boyfriend/partner and I are not married and I do not plan on getting married anytime soon (my choice for now)... we are pregnant and I'm almost 7 months along with my first baby.  He has 2 kids ages 5 and 7 boy and girl.  Their mother basically is not in the picture, but does call them from time to time.  The kids currently live with their grandmother (partners parents) and he recently moved in about 2 months ago.  Things are progressing where his 2 kids will live with us, however, logistically, we are trying to figure out the details.  I work full time and I'm a professional.  Just started by job about 3 weeks ago and doing well, but it's a new job along with being pregnant and working hard to learn most things within the next 3 months before I have to take maternity leave when our baby is due.  We had a conversation last night where he wants to bring the kids to live permanently with us, which I feel fine with, however, I asked him if he was prepared for that logistically, etc.  I just barely make it to work now even waking up early and getting my dogs fed, myself ready, etc.  He wakes up gets himself ready and leaves for work.  He expects me to take his kids to school and though I woul think I could do it maybe once a week or so, I don't feel it is a fair situation when we have a baby on the way and I too put in my hours and need to be here at a specific time, etc.  Basically I am the bread winner and it's my home I own he moved into.  He asked me last night if I wanted to really be a 'mother' to his kids and I explained that they have a mother and I will do as much as I can given the current situation right now and how hard it is for me as well.  We have wonderful support from his family - his mother and father and his great grand parents for his kids.  I asked if they could be involved in getting them ready for school and picking them up, etc....  I feel at this time he expects me to jump into a role of insta-mom and do it all for them when I'm just getting prepared and used to the fact that our baby is on the way and we'll need to include him in the picture as well.  I just feel he expects way too much for me at this point.  I don't plan on adopting his kids because they have a mother.  Any advise?

by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 5:27 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
happy2bmom25
by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 5:30 PM

i dont think you are ready for this relationship.

have you gotten any family counseling?

ShannaBee
by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 5:31 PM
1 mom liked this

Ehhh. Maybe someone would have better advice for me because all I am seeing is a messy situation.

The only thing I can think of is take baby steps. Tell him that the both of you need to work up to being full time parents to his kids. You both need to sit down and figure out your role as stepmom and your boundaries and what you are comfortable and not comfortable doing. He needs to also realize he is going to be a father and needs to act accordingly, not dump everything in your lap, especially when you are going to have an infant to be taking care of.

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Apr. 23, 2012 at 5:35 PM
4 moms liked this


Quoting realitycheck1:

Hi there,

I'm new on here and wanted to find an outlet where I could discuss issues arising from a relationship where my partner already has 2 kids.  My boyfriend/partner and I are not married and I do not plan on getting married anytime soon (my choice for now)... we are pregnant and I'm almost 7 months along with my first baby.  He has 2 kids ages 5 and 7 boy and girl.  Their mother basically is not in the picture, but does call them from time to time.  The kids currently live with their grandmother (partners parents) and he recently moved in about 2 months ago.  Things are progressing where his 2 kids will live with us, however, logistically, we are trying to figure out the details.  I work full time and I'm a professional.  Just started by job about 3 weeks ago and doing well, but it's a new job along with being pregnant and working hard to learn most things within the next 3 months before I have to take maternity leave when our baby is due.  We had a conversation last night where he wants to bring the kids to live permanently with us, which I feel fine with, however, I asked him if he was prepared for that logistically, etc.  I just barely make it to work now even waking up early and getting my dogs fed, myself ready, etc.  He wakes up gets himself ready and leaves for work.  He expects me to take his kids to school and though I woul think I could do it maybe once a week or so, I don't feel it is a fair situation when we have a baby on the way and I too put in my hours and need to be here at a specific time, etc.  Basically I am the bread winner and it's my home I own he moved into.  He asked me last night if I wanted to really be a 'mother' to his kids and I explained that they have a mother and I will do as much as I can given the current situation right now and how hard it is for me as well.  We have wonderful support from his family - his mother and father and his great grand parents for his kids.  I asked if they could be involved in getting them ready for school and picking them up, etc....  I feel at this time he expects me to jump into a role of insta-mom and do it all for them when I'm just getting prepared and used to the fact that our baby is on the way and we'll need to include him in the picture as well.  I just feel he expects way too much for me at this point.  I don't plan on adopting his kids because they have a mother.  Any advise?

I think your boyfriend needs to get off his ass and start doing for his kids!  It's nice that his parents want to help and have helped by letting the children live with them, but really?  He MADE those kids, it's time he grew up, stepped up and took care of those kids!  You shouldn't be suggesting that boyfriend's parents kick-in and help get the kids ready for school, be bus driver, etc.  HE needs to  take the lead and quit letting his parents and grandparents take the reigns!

I'm sorry, but I don't get why he's even having more children when he isn't doing for the two he already has!

realitycheck1
by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 5:39 PM

Thank you for your reply/advise...  I of course agree with you.  Sometimes we need reassurance in knowing we are saying the 'right' things to them.....  I basically said that to him...."these are YOUR 2 children".  Of course I thought of the 'what if's' before I got pregnant and I'm fully capable of taking care of my baby on my own financially and he knows this.....  but yes, NOT 2 others that I did not plan....

thank you again :-)

happyfeet215
by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 5:50 PM

I agree with the others!  Please take it from me personally............if you step up and do it all, then he never will.  If he is already trying to give all of the responsibilities to you and the kids aren't even there yet.............RUN! 


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 23, 2012 at 6:01 PM

He wants  his kids to live with him but he doesnt want to do the work.

I would tell him, if the kids come live with you, that's fine and you would help out once in a while in an emergency but you don't plan on dong a major share of the childcare. So if they go to daycare, you expect  him to drive them there and him to pick them up. You expect him to get them ready in the mornging and give them their baths at night.

You can always re-negotiate at a later time, and you can always ofter to pick up more of the child care later one if you decide to, but I'd set these conservative expectations now.

realitycheck1
by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 6:41 PM

Great advise!  Thank you!  I did mention once in a while if I was able to (in an emergency) I could for example, take them to school, etc., but I have my career as well with a baby on the way.  I think he needs to speak to someone that will set him straight on what he thinks he expects from a woman in regards to his children.  He seems to think I'm the 'selfish' one if I tell him what I feel I can handle right now and that's NOT taking on full mother responsibilities of his kids. 

thanks again!

ariesp19
by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 6:46 PM

 why cant he get them ready? your right, these kids have parents, you have a job, and he cant just expect you to jump when he says for him and his kids.....

i agree try familiy counsoling,cause while your going to have to do a few more things, he has to realize your not an instant mom for him and his kids....

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Apr. 23, 2012 at 6:47 PM

 i live with my partner and not only would i not agree to this, but he wouldnt ask.

he is not primary custody though, he has the kids every other weekend fri to mon and every wednesday. when he works on the saturdays we have the kids, i do care for them but the getting up early to get three additional kids ready drive them to their mothers end of town, is done by HIM. i would if he was in a pinch but its his responsibility mostly. he has taken mine to school on the few occasions i have needed him to without a problem and i would for him as well but the are his primary responsibility.

angelmommy2806
by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 7:09 PM
2 moms liked this
I'd get some counseling before they moved. Have a 3rd party there to help wade through it all. Explain what he wants you to do and then let them talk to him.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)