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New Stepmom just in!! Please help!

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 1:53 PM
  • 11 Replies

Just wanted to do a post to introduce myself and get some advice on an issue that I don't know how to handle. First off I am a SM to two beautiful little girls, ages 3 and 4 (5 on May 8th). They are great kids, never had an issue with the transition when I came into their lives. Except for the BM. She has had an issue from the time their father and I met and started dating. Trashing my name to anyone who would listen, even to the girls. Now as much as I expected this to a certain degree, I am hitting the point where I struggle with keeping my emotions under control. I'm young, 24, and any advice on the best way to keep myself sane when i hear what she has said come out of the oldest mouth, or out of her own mouth to me directly, is MUCH needed. i want to make sure I'm doing everything i can to keep things smooth for the girls but i want to snap sometimes

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 1:53 PM
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by Le Bonjour Chat on Apr. 25, 2012 at 1:59 PM

I'd just ignore it if I were you.  At that age, kids are taperecorders and repeat EVERYTHING that's said around them.  They're just kids and probably don't understand a lot of what BM is saying and don't know that it's hurtful to you.  I think you should talk to your DH (I'm assuming your married) to have a chat with the girls and tell them that when they repeat what BM says about you that it hurts your feelings and makes you sad...and then he needs to let BM know that trash talk will not be tolerated about anyone.  You may not be able to do anything about BM talking about you, but if DH lets the kids know that what they say is hurting your feelings and making you sad, they may just stop repeating what BM says (especially if they like you and don't want to hurt you).

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 1:59 PM

Congrats and good luck!!!

Do you like reading? I suggest "The four agreements" to get help on dealing with the trash talk.  Its not about bm/sm stuff, but just people saying stuff. 

As for the kids? you don't want to bad mouth the mom to them either. So maybe try asking them to not repeat stuff from that house? its got to be really hard since they are young enough to not fully understand it all, or that what they say is hurting you.,  :(

by Silver Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 2:06 PM
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Some people spew venom on a regular basis.  It's not likely that BM is only talking trash about you, but otherwise is a wonderful, kind, well-rounded person.  She probably trashes everyone she knows at one point or another.  Eventually, when the children are older, they will see this and dismiss the behavior easily.  Don't we all know someone who complains about everything, talks about everyone behind their backs, and is generally just a gossip and trashy person?  How often do we believe what they say about the people they talk about, especially when we are close to and know the person well enough to know they are kind, loving, and generally an upstanding person...?  It may seem like you are fighting a losing battle now, but kids are pretty smart.  And while they will continue to love their mother, they will start to see through her crap sooner rather than later. 

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 2:33 PM
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First off, boundaries are your friend. Do not be in the same room with BM if at all possible. Let BD handle her. This is his responsibility, not yours. Do not be at DO/PU. Do not let her in your home. Do not call, text, email, or look her up/ friend her online. Avoid all unnecessary interactions.
Second, as others have suggested do not play her game. Never bad mouth BM. In fact, saying great things about her to the skids will help them from developing loyalty issues.
3rd... Create a no negativity environment. This means BD enforces that the skids are not allowed to say mean or hurtful things to/ about people even if it's just to repeat what someone else said. He should tell them it's not nice and have them apologize to you. I also like the idea of telling them not to repeat stuff from the other house. It may take years before you reach the desired results here, so make those boundaries now and stick to them!
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by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:14 PM


by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:15 PM

Love the advice ladies! thank you!!

by Silver Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:20 PM

Ignoring sounds like a good option ;)

Your DH should make sure to instill proper etiquette and manners into his children (like not saying mean things about others) and you should just sit back and remember they are just children and may not even know better yet (at 3 and 4 they really are just little tape recorders, like sandee said).

Also, remember this quote,

"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people."

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:29 PM
That is very hard. Over been there. I finally told my step daughters mother that I'm there for her daughter any time she needs me and that my job is to be a mutual person she can talk to without feeling like she is being pulled between the parents. I told her that I'm not going to argue with her or listen to her yell at me anymore. And when I hear the things she still says I just explain to my step daughter that it is very hard to be a mom who loves her and cares about her so much and have to watch someone else take care of their daughter. I explained that no one will ever take care of our babies like we think they should.
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by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:47 PM
Ignore it. When the skids tell me all the things Bm says about me I laugh. Sd15 asked if I had anything to say about her (bm) I say, no I don't have time to think up bad things about her. Yes some of the things are cruel and intentionally made to hurt, but I don't let her get to me.
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by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 2:02 PM

I totally agree with you 100%. I am a SM of 3 & had to deal with a BM that lets just say didn't have all her marbles. Sad to say that in my case the children knew her as a liar even at the young ages of 7, 5, & 2. 

Keep your cool-there was one time where I did lose it & that's because she called my house drunk & said that I was verbally abusing her kids. The boys were living with us at the time after she had abandonded them to go after her 2nd husband who left her. The boys moved in with us because they were being physically, mentally & verbally abused by their alcholic SD. So I flipped when she said that I was the one who was abusive. Anyway-sorry getting off topic here. But I would have your husband step in. Let hm handle her. Also follow the advice of this smart woman. LOL Good luck & keep us posted. You can message me privately also if you like.

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