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GRRR I AM SOOOOO FRUSTERATED!!!!!!

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 8:32 PM
  • 9 Replies


Hello ladies.... I am so fricken frusterated! ( I have been married now for almost 3 yrs next month and my husband has  custody of his two girls when we first started dating his oldest had just turned 4 and his youngest was 1 the mother wasnt even in their life once and a while with many many broken promises... after we got married she started to date another guy and she sas doing a lil better with the girls...but not by alot themn i got pregnant and shortly after she did as well... after the birth of her daughter she started to really come around alot more) anyways now she asks my husband today when is the oldest going to live with her because (the oldest) keeps asking her. First off the oldest adores her mother shes fun (the mother doesnt help us one dime financially) so that leaves her to have all the fun stuff with the girls.They go every other weekend if that.... and its soooo frusterating cause it hurts that i do all the "hard" work dentist school doc appts scolding homework time outs etc and it hurts that my oldest step daughter would want to live with her even tho ive been the one raising her . She has no idea her moms past i just want to scream " she does nothing for you!" but i would never! Oh and by the way she only asked for one of the two children......grrrr does any other step moms feel this way or am i just nuts?

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 8:32 PM
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Replies (1-9):
squeakersmama
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:00 PM
Dh and I deal with this every day we have sd. She is 2 and at our house we have rules. She has to use her manners, no hitting and no junk food unless its a special treat, and she has to share with her sister. Ya know, the normal stuff that parents instill in their kids. Well sd doesn't have to do any of that stuff at bm's and she gets whatever she wants. So every day we have her (which is 50% of the time) we hear "mommy house" It breaks our hearts because we love her more than life and we live it when she is with us. We just keep reminding ourselves that it is only normal for her to want to be with the "fun" parent and some day she will appreciate what we do for her.
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manthafoster
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 8:59 AM

Thank you for sharing your story with me.... i do understand this it just sux because i feel like i do all the hard work like i said and she gets all the love and credit my sd is 8 so .... it just hurts really bad!

rainmommy
by Member on Apr. 26, 2012 at 9:54 AM

we have the opposite problem my 5yr old ss wants to live with us but bm wont let him. it breaks my heart bm has 3 other kids and she doesn't pay attention to any of them. dh pays cs and still buys ss things he needs cause the cs goes for her things :( the funny part is at my house there are more rules and we are stricter than she is but still he wants to live with us and begs us not to take him home :(

Ms.Gwen
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 10:06 AM
2 moms liked this
I think every involved CSM goes through this. I know I have and still do on occasion. It is not easy to be unappreciated. I share this stuff with my DH and he makes some extra effort to show me' he appreciates me. I also disengage a bit and take some me' time to refocus and regroup on my own life. That helps. I don't want to be resentful or take my feelings out on the skids. The space really seems to help the sitch in otherways too. SS10 seems to appreciate me' more when I've backed off for a few days. He's actually the one that usually gets me re-engaged. He will ask me if I'm coming to one of his games or if I will help him with a school project. Sometimes he just begs to show me a new song on his guitar or asks for another painting lesson. This really seems to work for my family. BM may be fun and buy them anything, but it's not a competition. The skids know that. You are a completely different relationship to them and loving BM doesn't make them love you any less. You are reliable, constant, and involved. In the world of a child these qualities are priceless. SS10 lies to his mom, tells her whatever she wants to hear, is scared to death to disappoint her (she might leave again), he manipulates her and is so forced to be someone he's not. In reality, SS and BMs relationship sucks. I try to tell SS his mom loves him and wants to know the real him warts and all, but he is so scared to disappoint her. What SS and I have is real.
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whatIknownow
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 10:57 AM
1 mom liked this

Children love their parents unconditionally.... just the same way parents love their children uncontidionally. Don't take it as rejection that she wants to live with her mom. It is natural and expected that she would want that.

whatIknownow
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 11:01 AM

It seems to me that you are experiencing a common phenomenon I call "unrequited SM love." You love her as though she is your daughter and (naturally) expect to be loved back in the same way. But, your SD loves someone else in that way. 

Your feelings are natural and as someone said above, quite common for a CSM. I have experienced this myself.  It all comes down to jealousy.

To help you get over this, try to think of your SD as a close relative like a neice. If you were her aunt, you would love her and perform childcare tasks for her, but you would not be jealous that she loved her mom more, you'd expect that. This and other mental exercises can help you get through this phase.

Quoting manthafoster:

Thank you for sharing your story with me.... i do understand this it just sux because i feel like i do all the hard work like i said and she gets all the love and credit my sd is 8 so .... it just hurts really bad!


USBrit
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2012 at 11:07 AM

I think as stepmothers we have to realize that no matter what children want their bio parent.....it is like a story in their head. This wonderful person that just loves them so much (whether real or not). Look how many adults still seek out their bio parents when adopted. Is it so hard to understand where the wee one is coming from. Biomom, not so much...she is a piece of work, but it is what it is. Just keep doing what you are doing and she (the child) will hopefully when older realize the truth and be so thankful for YOU.

USBrit
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2012 at 11:12 AM
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Because children need to feel like the parents are "really" in control, so it gives them a sense of security and belonging when there are rules. Too bad, so many parents don't understand that. Most children act out when the feel like they're in control because they feel insecure and want mommy or daddy to take control so they can feel secure again, even if for only a little while. So, you are doing a great thing for this little boy.

Quoting rainmommy:

we have the opposite problem my 5yr old ss wants to live with us but bm wont let him. it breaks my heart bm has 3 other kids and she doesn't pay attention to any of them. dh pays cs and still buys ss things he needs cause the cs goes for her things :( the funny part is at my house there are more rules and we are stricter than she is but still he wants to live with us and begs us not to take him home :(


manthafoster
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 3:15 PM

Thank you sooo much you brought a nice smile to my face!

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