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Live-in girlfriend, or pseudo-stepmom

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 8:58 PM
  • 9 Replies

Hi! I've been living with my boyfriend for a few months, and his 8 & 11 year old daughters 50% of the time. I have no children of my own and have lived on my own for nearly nine years, so it's been an eye-opening experience! I moved from out of state, so I'm still trying to find my own way and create my own world, which I've found helps immensely when it comes to dealing with the stresses of my new homelife. As I mentioned, the kids are shared 50/50 with their mom, who lives nearby. I've met her, but have never gotten beyond the niceties of 'hi, how are you'. Boyfriend seems to prefer it that way, and their relationship seems to be strictly limited to the kids. They were together 16 years, or so and have been split for about 4. The kids seem to like having me here still, which is great! Though we have run up against a few jealousy issues, on both sides to be fair. As for my own feelings, they change with the tides. I'm still learning to navigate.

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 8:58 PM
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Replies (1-9):
perfecthotsauce
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:00 PM

Hmm...this was supposed to go under the introductions, but oh well...

squeakersmama
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:50 PM
Welcome to the group! I have 1 sd who is 27 months and a dd with my hubby who is 17 months.
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looneytunes290
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:00 PM
1 mom liked this
Hi there! Welcome!
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Ms.Jess
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:06 PM

I'm in a similar situation. my boyfriend is currently fighting to get full custody of his daughters ages 3 and almost 5. I have known of his girls from day one, however it just so happened that when i met them for the first time, the BM decided that she didn't want them anymore so they are with him 24/7. I adore the girls and have a great relationship started with them. But still have that "where do i stand exactly" mentality. am i still just a girlfriend or do i now step into the SM role? It's tough, i know. but I am going through it too.

angelmommy2806
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:11 PM
Welcome to the group!
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perfecthotsauce
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 1:17 AM

Thank you to everyone! When times get tough, I get on here to lurk. Fortuately, I usually end up feeling better. My situation isn't bad compared to what so many of you are going through.

Ms.Jess - Fortunately, the BM of mine is quite sane and has been very nice to me, as have the SDs. I don't try at all to be their parent, just an enforcer of rules. Really, more like a babysitter. It may be different with kids of that age. My mother was also a SM. She was 22 when she married my father, and him with two daughters around your SD's ages. The biggest factor I've heard in these situations for success or failure is the behavior of the father. Is he on your side? Does your relationship come first? The BM in her situation was very pushy and equally irresponsible. It's vital in that situation that you and their father are united. If not, it can't be your problem. I'm speaking from what my mom went through.

perfecthotsauce
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 1:19 AM

Ms.Jess - I read another post of yours so I guess I'm replying to 2 in 1! I wish you the best of luck!

mirm99
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 1:19 AM
Hi momma welcome!
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Ms.Gwen
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 8:43 AM
Hi, welcome! I lived with my BF and his kids for a year before we got married. I think seeing yourself as a babysitter is a good place to start. As your bond with the kids grows your status will probobly change. Don't force it. The kids will let you know when you're their SM. I don't believe that simply marrying a man with kids makes you a parent (step or otherwise), and I don't feel a marriage certificate is neccessary to parent a child either. Being married does help the skids feel more secure in their relationship with the SP though and I think that's important. Goodluck and keep posting!
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