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Bm still trying....so dumb it hurts

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:03 PM
  • 23 Replies
So sad....ss16 is failing most of his classes again this year. We tried having him live with us but it's not helping. The year is over and he is doing less now than he was last year with her...so dh finally blows his top about it and calls bm to let her know he will be back with her and the poor things only response is " do you think this is because we got divorced?" Not hey what else can we do? Should we get him a tutor etc....

First of all she had at least three affairs while they were married. A year after the divorce bm tied to get back together with dh. She tried hard from what I hear, dh and I were already together, and he shielded me from all of it. We got engaged shortly after, she said she was ready to really try this time...um why didn't she think about that before she got divorced! Lol. She was miserable when we got engaged and then again right before the wedding and has told ss she is jealous of us and not happy for us because she isn't married....ugh

We have been married for almist two years now and have a ds of our own and the poor thing is still trying to convince dh to get back together with her by making him feel guilty that they got divorced in the first place! Dh has tried to explain to her that even if he could get over all the affairs, ( he cant) she put him and the kids through hell because of the divorce and that basically it would have all been for nothing if they got back together....She is just so dumb it hurts sometimes....
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ariesp19
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:20 PM
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 um.. i cant get past the part that bf is willing to just 'hand him over' over some grades.... or am i missing something? how is handing him back and forth going to help?

at moms house, hes hearing how unhappy she is cause of you two(you knkow thats how shes putting it).... why send him back to that?

why dont YOU two get him a tuter or something?

my sm made it clear that i was unwanted and if my mom had not died, they would not have us..... did a number on my schoolwork....

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:27 PM
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This is SO not about you. BM is expressing regret and sadness about decisions and events in her life. She is sad at the turn her child's life has taken and is looking for a reason. Sometimes parents get ad and have regrets, sometimes they want to express that to the other parent....it is a parenting thing that has nothing to do with her affairs, your marriage or you.
The boy needs help. All of you need to figure out what he needs and how to get it for him.
zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:48 PM
Quoting ariesp19:

 um.. i cant get past the part that bf is willing to just 'hand him over' over some grades.... or am i missing something? how is handing him back and forth going to help?


at moms house, hes hearing how unhappy she is cause of you two(you knkow thats how shes putting it).... why send him back to that?


why dont YOU two get him a tuter or something?


my sm made it clear that i was unwanted and if my mom had not died, they would not have us..... did a number on my schoolwork....




Sorry longer story...bm would only let us take ss if we kept the cs the same...we did this, and told ss it would be money worth spending if ss took advantage of us being able to help him with homework, life issues, two people to stay on top of him about homework, etc...with the hope we could get him to turn around and get into college. If after a year he didnt have his grades at a b average,we were not going to continue to pay for him twice, and he would be going back to bm and ss agreed to this. At this point ss doesn't respect either of us and doesn't do anything we say or ask of him, he refuses to let us help him in anyway, lies about what homework he has or doesnt, and didnt join any sports or clubs and is now failing everything but gym so the whole reason and agreement with had with ss is over. We also put ss in therapy and he refused to go after a while. Bm will not take less child support and our only other option is to take her to court and we know that may not solve much. At this point dh and ss fight all the time and dh is more concerned about their relationship remaining intact. Bm thinks a d is a fine grade so it will probably be best for him to go back with her. He was already in that hs freshman year so he has friends and knows the school. Not ideal I know but he is really smart..doesn't need a tutor he just dosent do homework and doesn't study..it is sad. He is really smart....but you can only lead a horse to water....
zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:00 PM
Quoting HopesNDreams:

This is SO not about you. BM is expressing regret and sadness about decisions and events in her life. She is sad at the turn her child's life has taken and is looking for a reason. Sometimes parents get ad and have regrets, sometimes they want to express that to the other parent....it is a parenting thing that has nothing to do with her affairs, your marriage or you.
The boy needs help. All of you need to figure out what he needs and how to get it for him.



I know it is not me. She has told me directly sometimes she thinks she should not have gotten divorced.....i understand regret but seriouly it is over and done..you cant chage the divorce even if they did get back toegether so why dwell on it? What's done is done. All actions have consequences....should have thought it through honestly. Plus I know dh would have divorced her eventually anyway. Besides the affairs they had almost nothing in common and she embarrassed him...so I get to see both sides and know that they would not have stayed together. She is too dumb to realize this or realize she was miserable and that why she had the affairs. Instead of saying hey maybe I should have instilled good work ethic or study habits she blames the affair...ugh

As for ss we are at a loss...he is really immature and I think he won't turn it around till after hs. I think he will need to see all his friends going to college and making a life, and him sort of failing/ hitting rock bottom for him to make the big change he needs to....if he ever does....bm is a totally loser herself so he may have spent too much time around her, or be too much like honestly.
ROBIN-C
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:18 PM

 is summer school and option for him? give him one last chance to get it together?

and heck yes take mom back to court! how dare her demand she get CS for a child that doent live with her! she has balls adn you 2 and so smart either to agree to it!

zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:42 AM
Quoting ROBIN-C:

 is summer school and option for him? give him one last chance to get it together?


and heck yes take mom back to court! how dare her demand she get CS for a child that doent live with her! she has balls adn you 2 and so smart either to agree to it!




He has been like this for a while so nothing is really going to change that is obvious and really ok. Some kids arent meant for college. We have thought about court but he is 16.... Cs stops for him in less than two years so I will pay 10k+ to have this kid up on a stand saying he doesn't want to live with his mom. Even though it is true it will break his heart to say it and have her hear it. He cried the first time he told. I can't do that to him. Sd11 still lives with bm...dh is afraid that if he gets the cs reduced ss will suffer because bm still won't go out and gets full time job she will just learn to live on less...she is sad....the whole situation is sad
lilangilyn
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:48 AM

I think that this comment may not have been related to getting back with DH. It may have been about the kid's feelings. I think that handing him back to mommy dearest is not going to work in the long run. My own bios sometimes didn't do all that well in school, it is something that happens a lot with kids.

Skid may need a therapist if he really is having thoughts and feelings that are disturbing him to the point of hurting his grades.

OregonMom80
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 12:15 PM
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I would strongly urge you not to give him back.  Go to court - they have ways short of him taking the stand in front of his Mom to change custody.  In fact, just him living with you now is a pretty good reason for them to change it.  They don't like to change the status quo, but it already changed.  If you go for custody of him though, try for both stepkids.  Courts are much more likely to keep siblings together.  Kicking a kid out doesn't help things - it just makes them feel that the love of their parents is conditional.  I don't think it is surprising at all that he's acting out.  It took my sister a couple years of living with her Dad to mellow out and he was at his wits end at one point.  He even told me and his Mom (not in front of my sister) that if he could divorce his own kid, he would - she was just like her Mom and he was at the point he didn't like his own child.  His Mom's response was, "Often the people who are the hardest to love need to be loved the most."  She's almost 19 now and has gone from high school drop-out druggy perpetual shoplifter to a high performing college freshman.  She's always been smart, but wouldn't apply herself.  Think about it, if this was your two's biokid, you couldn't boot them out if this was going on - you'd have to figure out how to deal with the issues (well, I guess you could boot them to the state or something, but not to another parent).  Of course, sometimes an alternate solution is the answer if there is a good one.  My now 29yo sister was at a point that she wouldn't respect or listen to either of my parents when she was 17.  She'd also dropped out, was doing drugs, got caught shoplifting, etc.  I'd moved out on my own at 17 as an emancipated minor and so she called & wanted to move in with me.  I discussed it with my parents, so at 19 I became the guardian to my 17yo sister.  She was a pain in the butt at first - she had two rules, she had to work & help with bills if she wanted to live "like an adult" and she had to go to a high school completion program through the college.  It was like pulling teeth to get her to do it at first, but she graduated, got some college credit in the progress and I helped her buy a car so she could get a better job when she decided she couldn't stand working where she had been.  Sometimes a kid just needs to know that somebody is refusing to give up on them no matter how difficult they are.

EmilyMarshall
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 12:17 PM
bump


geauxinginsane
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 1:22 PM

Does ss have behavior problems? Unless he is just a complete bada**, there may be other issues.  My dd was failing all her classes and nothing I did motivated her to do better.  I was afraid she would not pass high school.  It never occured to me that she had adhd.  I took her to the doctor and he determined that's what it was.  I was still skeptical.  I see too many kids and their parents use that as a crutch for so many things. I was determined that she just wasn't trying hard enough.  Surprisingly, my dd went from D's and F's to A's and B's in less than 4 mths.  OMG!!

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