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Mom obviously only cares about herself if she says no to SM doing/being...

Posted by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 5:49 PM
  • 109 Replies
2 moms liked this

Why is this the standard answer? 

This seems to be the go to answer for some SM's who seem to think that moms don't have a clue or are just selfish bints instead of looking at things like "if the parent is stressed it can stress out the kid more" or maybe the kid knows mom and SM dont' get along and don't realize that mom isnt' going to leave her kids side for SM to be there, which can cause stress (this is from the hospital post).

When it comes to school and mom doesn't want SM involved this same line is said (in different variations). 

But unless mom is explaining herself to SM (and I doubt many do), many Sms are assuming they know moms motives for saying to to the nonparents involvement.  Why is it seen as such a horrid thing for moms to decide that SMs can't be involved in certain areas of their kids lives, despite what a SM or child thinks is best in those certain situations?

by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 5:49 PM
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LucyHarper
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 5:55 PM
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Because sometimes those are the motives. I'm not saying everytime, but I know birth moms who will full out say that they dont let their kids stepmoms do certain things because they are jealous and dont want them getting close to the kids, even if its in the kids best interest.

jessiesluv
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 5:57 PM
2 moms liked this

Why would you NOT want your child to see you accepting they want to invite SM to a school play or whatever since you can't go? Why would you want your child to not have anyone there supporting them?

I don't always say that mom only cares about herself, but in those types of situations, I do. It seems like nobody is good enough but mom to be there. Dad has a choice too. Where does dad's opinion come into this?

I know you've had a rough go at dealing with a SM, but if your situation was different, why wouldn't you want your child to see a healthy, positive relationship with the stepparent?

packermomof2
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:07 PM


Quoting jessiesluv:

Why would you NOT want your child to see you accepting they want to invite SM to a school play or whatever since you can't go? Why would you want your child to not have anyone there supporting them?

I said "certain" situations.  I took this from the hospital thread and I know it has been said wrt educational things.  Not school plays. 

I don't always say that mom only cares about herself, but in those types of situations, I do. It seems like nobody is good enough but mom to be there. Dad has a choice too. Where does dad's opinion come into this?

When it comes to things that anyone and their brother can come to, both parents should not mind who comes.  But if it is a serious, stressful situation and the parent requests that only the parents be involved (like a surgery) that should be respected by both parents.  It isn't about the SPs in these cases, it isn't about the parents, either, but at the same time if the parents don't want SPs there that doesn't mean the parent is only looking out for themselves.  Sometimes parents just want to be able to deal with situations and not have added stress (and some SP's can bring that, even unintionally)..

I know you've had a rough go at dealing with a SM, but if your situation was different, why wouldn't you want your child to see a healthy, positive relationship with the stepparent?

This isn't about my situation.  This is about the attitude that mom only cares about herself if she doesn't allow the SM to be involved in serious and/or stressful situations. 


bakergirl37
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:09 PM
1 mom liked this

But it's still selfish that it stresses the parent out. If it stresses you out learn not to show that. You really can do it. I've learned to just grin and bear it. 

BM and I sooo do not get along. She takes her special live in friend of 4 1/2 years (she wont call him boyfriend and he sleeps on couch) to all of the kids stuff no problem. DH was asked to move out of his home (BM was never owner as it was his before they married) so that she could move her friend in. DH handles with grace nonBF at all the stuff. Is he jumping up for joy, no. But he know that he treats the kids right and does many nice things for them. 

So I find it amusing that she doesn't want me going to anything because that is not approriate. I stand back at all events. I don't cuddle with DH or hold hands. When the event is done I will usually tell them I enjoyed watching them play or whatever they have done and leave it at that. I don't hug them or even really go up to them and I tend to stand behind DH when he is going and saying hi to them if the game is on BM's weekend. 

Because BM is only 1/2 of the parent who made the child. Why do you feel the BM has more of a right to decide over the BD?

Quoting packermomof2:

Why is this the standard answer? 

This seems to be the go to answer for some SM's who seem to think that moms don't have a clue or are just selfish bints instead of looking at things like "if the parent is stressed it can stress out the kid more" or maybe the kid knows mom and SM dont' get along and don't realize that mom isnt' going to leave her kids side for SM to be there, which can cause stress (this is from the hospital post).

When it comes to school and mom doesn't want SM involved this same line is said (in different variations). 

But unless mom is explaining herself to SM (and I doubt many do), many Sms are assuming they know moms motives for saying to to the nonparents involvement.  Why is it seen as such a horrid thing for moms to decide that SMs can't be involved in certain areas of their kids lives, despite what a SM or child thinks is best in those certain situations?


dbush0584
by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:12 PM
2 moms liked this
I don't understand how someone would not want their kid to have extra love and support. I'm glad DDs SM is around. But then...BM hares me because "if it weren't for you, we'd still be a family" which isn't true because she fucked everyone she walked by and hit him with a bat. I know ALL of this is true because ive known them both for YEARS
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super_mom_5
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:16 PM
1 mom liked this

I am in a very fortunate situation. My kids bm was not involved in their life for most of the first 3 years i became involved. Because she would come and go as she pleased disappearing for weeks to months at a time, the kids became close to me then her and would consider me more as their real mom (their choice not mine btw). However for the last two years she has finally decided to actually play the mom role without taking a break. She however allows me to make the bigger decision, i believe because she knows i know more of what is better for the kids than what she would know. My kids bm and i actually get along now and will work things out together now that she accepted the fact that i will always be there for the kids.

packermomof2
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:19 PM


Quoting bakergirl37:

But it's still selfish that it stresses the parent out. If it stresses you out learn not to show that. You really can do it. I've learned to just grin and bear it. 

No parent should have to just grin and bear a SP wanting to push themselves into a stressful situation.  Why isn't it seen as selfish on the Sp's part when they insist on being where they really don't need to be right at that moment?  Why is it the parent who needs to be the one to do what they aren't comfortable doing when it comes to their child?  Why are they the selfish one for not wanting to deal with the added stress of the SP (again, it could be that they don't want any extra person there at that moment or maybe the SP/parent obviously don't get along and the parent would rather that not be around their child)?

Because BM is only 1/2 of the parent who made the child. Why do you feel the BM has more of a right to decide over the BD?

When the extraneous person isn't needed and will only cause issues (intentionally or not) why does dads yes override someone who may just be trying to make things easy on those who have to be involved in the situation (kids, adults, nurses, doctors, teachers, etc)?  Why does dads desire to have his wife involved in something she doesn't need to be involved in (if both parents are involved and there and active there is no need for the SM in the type of situations I'm talking about) trump the OPs no when it comes to the kid and what needs to be done for the kid?

Is the SM too good for the waiting room? 

jessiesluv
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:22 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting packermomof2:


Quoting jessiesluv:

Why would you NOT want your child to see you accepting they want to invite SM to a school play or whatever since you can't go? Why would you want your child to not have anyone there supporting them?

I said "certain" situations.  I took this from the hospital thread and I know it has been said wrt educational things.  Not school plays. 

I don't always say that mom only cares about herself, but in those types of situations, I do. It seems like nobody is good enough but mom to be there. Dad has a choice too. Where does dad's opinion come into this?

When it comes to things that anyone and their brother can come to, both parents should not mind who comes.  But if it is a serious, stressful situation and the parent requests that only the parents be involved (like a surgery) that should be respected by both parents.  It isn't about the SPs in these cases, it isn't about the parents, either, but at the same time if the parents don't want SPs there that doesn't mean the parent is only looking out for themselves.  Sometimes parents just want to be able to deal with situations and not have added stress (and some SP's can bring that, even unintionally)..

I know you've had a rough go at dealing with a SM, but if your situation was different, why wouldn't you want your child to see a healthy, positive relationship with the stepparent?

This isn't about my situation.  This is about the attitude that mom only cares about herself if she doesn't allow the SM to be involved in serious and/or stressful situations. 


See, Packer.. it's replies like the last one about it "not being about your situation" that makes moms in here believe that you do not care for SMs and even if your situation was different, you would still have the need for control. But I digress..

As far as SPs not being in "stressful situations"... who is it stressful for? BM? Because she just doesnt want to have SM there? Why does dad not get a choice? What if SM is the one keeping dad calm? See, it comes right back to what BM thinks is stressful. Because if SM being there is stressful to bm but not bd, then why can't sm come?

Obviously Im not talking about situations where the single intent is on doing harm by being there, but if they honestly care and dad and heck, maybe even kid wants them there, are they not to come because bm is "stressed out"?

You got one thing right- its about the kids. If the kids want them there, they should be there, period.

looneytunes290
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:23 PM
5 moms liked this
I can't imagine declining if my kids sm offered help with anything - I have always invited her to be a part of their family. It just seems weird to me that anyone wouldn't want people that wanted to do nice things for their kids around.
packermomof2
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:26 PM
1 mom liked this

this is NOT about that always spouted "love and support"... this is about parents dealing with "big deal" situations that involve their children.  Stressful situations, serious ones.  Think surgery or something similar. 

Is injecting yourself (general) into an already stressful situation with other people's kids really going to help?  This is not about love... most other "not the parent" of the kid in question will not be so bold as to insist their love and support is absolutely needed at that moment so they force themselves in where the parents (either one or both) wouldn't want them.  Most people would wait for the parents (plural) to okay their involvement in the situation.

To me this is about respecting the other parent as the other parent and allowing them to make some decisions for their child during a hard time... the decision to have extraneous people involved should be something both parents should be on board with during those hard times. 

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