Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Something I don't understand about BMs

Posted by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 5:55 PM
  • 74 Replies
3 moms liked this
Okay so I am a bm and an sm- one thing I've never been able to understand when reading posts is how some of the BMs absolutely HATE their kids ncsm. My kids have a ncsm and I just can't imagine her being able to do anything that would get me that upset. I mean if it were something illegal that would upset me -and I would call the police, and the kids wouldn't go back until law enforcement said they had to or a judge put me in jail for contempt. (I'm talking about severe abuse or neglect) but here's the thing- I know my ex wouldn't allow our kids to be abused or neglected to the point of it being illegal. He might them be treated a little unfairly- but even then I doubt it. So- what's up. How do BMs that have a problem with everything the sm does justify that as better for the kids?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 5:55 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
bakergirl37
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:13 PM
5 moms liked this

I'm not a BM but I find in my case it is that BM loved to control DH and gets upset that she can't anymore. She does not like that she has no control over what goes on in our home. 

She also lives in fear that the kids will like me better. Which is stupid. Doesn't matter if they like me or not. She is their mom and they will love her regardless.

It doesn't help that she is non-medicated bipolar and rational thinking and her don't hang out much together. 

packermomof2
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:15 PM

Just because it is legal doesn't mean it is good for the kids. 

My kids didn't have "severe abuse or neglect" but there was abuse.  They were called names, they were forbidden from talking about me, they were phyiscally harmed by SM's kids and she defended it, she informed the kids she was raising them when they were there and it didn't matter what I said, she accused my (then) 5 year old of molesting her 12 year old and was the only person to ever say my oldest was disrespectful to her (and at the same time complained she didn't talk to her - she doesn't really talk to anyone, it wasn't anything personal), and she defended her oldest threatening to kill my daughter.  She badmouthed me to them (when your child asks you what a bitch is and when you ask they say SM said you were one... he was around 5 or 6)...

She also had to answer the phone any time I called, tried communicating with me even though she knew I didn't want to, and didn't let my ex speak to me alone if she could help it (she couldn't when I refused to talk to him unless it was at pick up time at my house and she wasn't allowed to be there)

looneytunes290
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:19 PM
I understand a lot of what your saying- but when you say at pick up time she want allowed to be there- did you have a restraining order? Was she not allowed because of the other behaviors of her and her kids?


Quoting packermomof2:

Just because it is legal doesn't mean it is good for the kids. 

My kids didn't have "severe abuse or neglect" but there was abuse.  They were called names, they were forbidden from talking about me, they were phyiscally harmed by SM's kids and she defended it, she informed the kids she was raising them when they were there and it didn't matter what I said, she accused my (then) 5 year old of molesting her 12 year old and was the only person to ever say my oldest was disrespectful to her (and at the same time complained she didn't talk to her - she doesn't really talk to anyone, it wasn't anything personal), and she defended her oldest threatening to kill my daughter.  She badmouthed me to them (when your child asks you what a bitch is and when you ask they say SM said you were one... he was around 5 or 6)...

She also had to answer the phone any time I called, tried communicating with me even though she knew I didn't want to, and didn't let my ex speak to me alone if she could help it (she couldn't when I refused to talk to him unless it was at pick up time at my house and she wasn't allowed to be there)


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
packermomof2
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:24 PM


Quoting looneytunes290:

I understand a lot of what your saying- but when you say at pick up time she want allowed to be there- did you have a restraining order? Was she not allowed because of the other behaviors of her and her kids?
She was not allowed on my property at all due to her actions and what she had done/said.  My ex never pushed the issue with me either.  I said she can't be here, he never brought her onto my property.  She got to sit in the car on the side of the road IF she came along, but he always came to the door to get the kids and I would discuss things that needed to be discussed at that point. 
I stopped all email and phone discussions in order to show him I was serious about her getting involved where she didn't need to be.
looneytunes290
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:32 PM
The question is though why did it affect you so much- I mean like I asked in the post I just can't imagine anything my kids sm could do in a two day visit that would freak me out. I mean even if she did call me a bitch- i would ask myself of I had behaved like one. Then I would have called her and apologized for acting like a bitch so she would know my child had told me. If I was taking info from a 5 yo and am said she didn't - I prob would have even gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
feliciasmith
by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:34 PM
My friend and I were talking about this. my dd's bf hasnt seen my now 18 month girl since she was 2 weeks old. Buuuuttt If she were with him and his gf I would have bad feelings towards her because he cheated on me with her while I was preg but I would have the same feelings for him too. However as long as they cared for my dd with love and patience I would be sad if dd loved her but wouldnt tell her not too.

If a child says they love someone obviously that person loves and cares for the child so why be mad?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
packermomof2
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:36 PM

It affected me because she allowed her children to harm mine.  The badmouthing me didn't matter to me, it mattered to my kids.  The name calling that she did to my kids affected me because it affected my kids.

It isn't just the 4 days a month that it happened... it was the holidays, the summer vacation time he took, etc also. 

And I doubt you'd not consider yourself affected if someone threatened to kill your kid and the parent defended it.

looneytunes290
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:40 PM
I know I never expected to see so many BMs On here with such anger about what is toe everyday things I never have even thought about- makes me wonder if my skids bm has felt that way about things- even though she never said anything about it. It's never even crossed my mind if my kids sm answers the phone? Really? I just tell her whatever I'm calling about and ask her to let me know when they decide something.


Quoting feliciasmith:

My friend and I were talking about this. my dd's bf hasnt seen my now 18 month girl since she was 2 weeks old. Buuuuttt If she were with him and his gf I would have bad feelings towards her because he cheated on me with her while I was preg but I would have the same feelings for him too. However as long as they cared for my dd with love and patience I would be sad if dd loved her but wouldnt tell her not too.



If a child says they love someone obviously that person loves and cares for the child so why be mad?

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
AlmostFamous
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:42 PM
My XH isn't remarried, so idk. But his last GF with whom he was with for 3 years was great with my DD, so I had no issue with her.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
looneytunes290
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:44 PM
In my situation I wouldn't believe my kid- my ex would never have my kids in a situation like that- and if my kid said that happened it would most likely be to get their way about something- that's never happened to us- but if my kid said ss
Said they were going to kill me- and I asked ex and he said whatever he said I would prob believe him- ex- are your kids in counseling ? If I did believe their lives were threatened I would have immediately filed a restraining order and put them in counseling.


Quoting packermomof2:

It affected me because she allowed her children to harm mine.  The badmouthing me didn't matter to me, it mattered to my kids.  The name calling that she did to my kids affected me because it affected my kids.

It isn't just the 4 days a month that it happened... it was the holidays, the summer vacation time he took, etc also. 

And I doubt you'd not consider yourself affected if someone threatened to kill your kid and the parent defended it.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)