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Something I don't understand about BMs

Okay so I am a bm and an sm- one thing I've never been able to understand when reading posts is how some of the BMs absolutely HATE their kids ncsm. My kids have a ncsm and I just can't imagine her being able to do anything that would get me that upset. I mean if it were something illegal that would upset me -and I would call the police, and the kids wouldn't go back until law enforcement said they had to or a judge put me in jail for contempt. (I'm talking about severe abuse or neglect) but here's the thing- I know my ex wouldn't allow our kids to be abused or neglected to the point of it being illegal. He might them be treated a little unfairly- but even then I doubt it. So- what's up. How do BMs that have a problem with everything the sm does justify that as better for the kids?
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by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 5:55 PM
Replies (11-20):
packermomof2
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:46 PM


Quoting feliciasmith:



If a child says they love someone obviously that person loves and cares for the child so why be mad?

My kids love their father.  He doesn't act like he cares about them (he picked his woman over his kids, calls only on holidays, and hasn't seen them since early February... the longest time he's gone without seeing them is these last three months almost, before that it was every other month, before that a few hours a month).  The kids stopped staying overnight when his oldest stepkid threatened my oldest kids life... it was just the worst thing that had happened, but not the first.  Ex knew about it all, defended it all also... and has slowly went away out of our kids lives...

But they still love him. 

So just because a kid says they love someone doesn't mean that person loves and cares for them.

ROBIN-C
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:48 PM
1 mom liked this

 BM hates me because I have a good relationship with her daughter and she doesnt. i havent given BM a reason to hate me. I love her daughter and treat her very well.

looneytunes290
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:52 PM
I think that's why bm started hateing me Sd and I used to be pretty close. As their moms drinking got more our of control sd basically had to start watching out for her mom more. She knew I didn't approve because really both the kids enabled moms drinking (sd was about 17 then) and she became resentful of me I think. Anyway I have wondered if bm didn't make sd feel guilty for being close to me when she hit bottom- seems like ever since then sd changed a lot.


Quoting ROBIN-C:

 BM hates me because I have a good relationship with her daughter and she doesnt. i havent given BM a reason to hate me. I love her daughter and treat her very well.


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feliciasmith
by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:53 PM
Thats not what I meant. of course they'll love their father it's instinct almost to love our parents regardless of how crappy they are. It's unfortunet but they'll see their fathers poor behavior one day.

strangers however whom suddenly become step mom or step dad normally have to earn love


Quoting packermomof2:



Quoting feliciasmith:





If a child says they love someone obviously that person loves and cares for the child so why be mad?

My kids love their father.  He doesn't act like he cares about them (he picked his woman over his kids, calls only on holidays, and hasn't seen them since early February... the longest time he's gone without seeing them is these last three months almost, before that it was every other month, before that a few hours a month).  The kids stopped staying overnight when his oldest stepkid threatened my oldest kids life... it was just the worst thing that had happened, but not the first.  Ex knew about it all, defended it all also... and has slowly went away out of our kids lives...

But they still love him. 

So just because a kid says they love someone doesn't mean that person loves and cares for them.


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looneytunes290
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:56 PM
Packer I'm sorry I'm always so skeptical of your posts- I can always just hear bm saying many of the same things you say- and it would not be true- or if their were a tiny bit of truth it would be seriously twisted. Our situations are sooooo polar opposite that it makes it difficult to compare.
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mirm99
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:06 PM
In my case... dh and I we're separated for a month after she got pregnant w sd.. no one in the family accepted her.. once she announced her pregnancy they HAD to allow her in the family and once she started drinking again while pregnant and dh and her broke up she couldn't handle the fact that dh and I reconciled.. since then she did anything possible to get back w dh... she even told me she would be dh's lover while I sat at home thinking he was at work.. I mean she's nuts... I think to her its like she lost against me... which its stupid bc dh was my husband and she was a fling... and since then she had it for me... she went as far as drinking herself till she passed out at a BAR 5 months pregnant!!!.. and he said she did it so she could kill her baby bc she didn't want her baby near me... shes insane...
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sidelinesally
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:09 PM
1 mom liked this

My SKs BM hates me - doesn't know me from Eve - but hates me. And why? Because I'm the next. She refers to me to SKs as the bitch or the enemy, for the longest time wouldn't come within a 10 mile radius of the house but now she'll pull up in front of the neighbor's house to collect the kids. She will never call the home phone and when I'm asked by SO to answer his cell 'cause he's busy, she'll hang up. If I happen to be in the same place as her because of overlap in schedules between SKs and bios, she will hide in her car until I leave. I consider myself to be a pretty decent SM so like I said, other than being the next, I can't quite figure it out. The SKs seem to like me well enough. They get pissy with me when I have them do chores or nag at them to pick up after themselves, but so do my bios, but I can't think of anything that they could have taken back to her that would explain why she's taken the position she has. That said, thanks to CM, I'm seeing that it ain't my problem! Would be nice if it wasn't this way, but que sera, sera.

looneytunes290
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:10 PM
Quoting mirm99:

In my case... dh and I we're separated for a month after she got pregnant w sd.. no one in the family accepted her.. once she announced her pregnancy they HAD to allow her in the family and once she started drinking again while pregnant and dh and her broke up she couldn't handle the fact that dh and I reconciled.. since then she did anything possible to get back w dh... she even told me she would be dh's lover while I sat at home thinking he was at work.. I mean she's nuts... I think to her its like she lost against me... which its stupid bc dh was my husband and she was a fling... and since then she had it for me... she went as far as drinking herself till she passed out at a BAR 5 months pregnant!!!.. and he said she did it so she could kill her baby bc she didn't want her baby near me... shes insane...



Wow that is all kinds of crazy!!
packermomof2
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:10 PM


Quoting looneytunes290:

In my situation I wouldn't believe my kid- my ex would never have my kids in a situation like that- and if my kid said that happened it would most likely be to get their way about something- that's never happened to us- but if my kid said ss
Said they were going to kill me- and I asked ex and he said whatever he said I would prob believe him- ex- are your kids in counseling ? If I did believe their lives were threatened I would have immediately filed a restraining order and put them in counseling.
They were for a few years.  My ex didn't say "whatever"... he said it was no big deal, he knew the kid did it, heard him.  Defended him.  I didn't not believe my kids because they dont' go around lying on a regular basis... and this kid had already done damage to them on numerous occasions.
There is no restraining order due to the fact that my ex is a liar and would change his story had I gone to the cops (not that I knew I could get on a minor at that point).  But he had admitted to me (on tape, found out the lawyer didn't care about this) to pulling a weapon on our daughter when she was three (to her throat)... he denied it, said I lied.  He also used to tell me how he planned a double murder suicide on his visitation...this was also brought up and he denied it.  Nothing was done.  I was told I had to send the kids...thankfully his parents did the childcare on his weekends at that point and I wasn't as worried because I know his parents wouldn't let him hurt the kids... (could be why they kept the kids on his weekends).
He tried to back up over me with the kids in the car.  They were the only witness (this was while they were in therapy, thankfully).  Cops were called and the only thing they said I could do was move the pick up spot to the police station - ex wouldn't go for that.  So because he was smart enough to make sure no one was around except for kids (and who believes kids?  You yourself said you wouldn't believe your own kids and I know that strangers aren't always going to)...
So, saying "get a restraining order" is easier said than done. 
looneytunes290
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 7:15 PM
Quoting packermomof2:





Where I live it's easy to get a temporary restraining order- Usually by the time that kids are in therapy a therapist will then testify to what the kids have told them. I don't see why it would have been difficult.
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