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"You're an EVIL SM!!!" *SMH* ~not a happy camper~

Posted by on Apr. 28, 2012 at 11:01 AM
  • 10 Replies

Hey ladies!  

You are about to see a series of articles posted following this.  I know that not too long ago, there was a post (here or a different group) about why are stepmothers considered "evil".

Well, I can say that my experiences as of late are leading me to feel as though I am considered this.  BM is teaching the SKs that I am an evil SM.  They are, in return, behaving in a hateful and resentful manner not only to me, but their father (my DH).  

I'm in a IDGAF mood today.  DH has said something that has me extremely upset.  For those of you who know my story a bit "up close and personal", you may PM me on here (and for the few of you on my FB page, MSG me there is #1 choice) for specifics.  Those who don't know the nitty gritty to my SM life (and BM life) - lets just say that I keep it private for a reason.

Now, enjoy the Evil Stepmom articles.  I'll highlight the parts that have me feeling the way I do.

And, to add before I continue on - I've been working my ass off to make my DH and children happy - and the results are me feeling like I'm an insignificant piece of shit underneath someone's foot.  (DH complimented several times this week different things - and last week.  He knows I'm doing all I can to help myself and him.  And to keep the children happy as well.)

I just want it all to go back to where it was (mentally and emotionally) 18 months ago.

by on Apr. 28, 2012 at 11:01 AM
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paladinmom
by on Apr. 28, 2012 at 11:04 AM

The 'evil stepmother'

Alison Cameron
February 2, 2009

You adore him, but when it comes to his children, you feel like the evil stepmother. Alison Cameron explores why admitting you don't love - or even like - your new charges is the ultimate taboo.

You're in love with the man of your dreams. The only hitch is that he comes as a package deal with his kids - and it's no holiday. Your romance is conducted under the gaze of his children, who are ready to barge in at the first sign of affection. Instead of walks in the moonlight, your evenings are spent picking up toys and preparing school lunches. And all the time you feel the children's eyes on you, resenting, criticising.

Being a stepmother can be fraught territory but, for many, admitting you don't like - let alone love - your charges is the ultimate taboo. It's admitting failure, and you may as well tattoo "wicked stepmother" on your forehead and throw in your lot with the bitches and witches of Snow White and Cinderella.

(skipping part of the article here....)


One of the challenges new stepmothers will face is to have realistic expectations about their role, says Margaret Howden, a psychologist who co-founded support organisation the Stepfamily Association of Victoria (which has now joined other state groups to become Stepfamilies Australia). "There is an expectation you will take on the kids and love them. It is a shock for some women when they find they don't have the loving relationship they expected."

In Howden's experience, it is also common for stepmothers to feel invisible. The children ignore them, which is particularly hurtful when it happens in the woman's own home. "The children often don't want the step-parent to be there. They want the biological parent to themselves or they want their parents to get back together. They are not in a rush to welcome the step-parent with open arms."

Space is another issue - and something one stepmother, a 47-year-old Melbourne teacher, has very little of these days. The woman, who prefers not to be named, married her husband five years ago, and went from living with her two children to caring for a family of seven kids, ranging in age from four to 14.

The sheer slog of packed lunches, cleaning and caring was overwhelming. "I was quite comfortable with my two," she says. "We had our cooking and cleaning and school routines. Then, suddenly, there were so many meals and they all had to get to different schools. It went from comfort to chaos.

I became tired, worn out and depressed." Her husband helped, but the work was overwhelming. She also felt guilty about her own children. "I thought, 'If it's difficult for me, then what is it like for my kids?'"

Her husband's ex-wife made it clear she did not like a new woman in her children's lives. "The children were never rude, but were withdrawn, angry and confused, as though they felt it would be disloyal to like me." She found herself naturally siding with her child when there was conflict between step-siblings. Even today she struggles to be fair. "I know I overlook my own children's shortcomings more than my stepchildren's. I can overlook my child not putting their clean clothes away, but it grates when my stepchild fails to do it."

Experience has taught her that people have little sympathy for stepmothers. "If you whinge that your stepdaughter won't tidy her room, you are made to feel like you should be making a special concession - 'after all, she is a stepchild'.

But if you say, 'My daughter won't tidy her room', everyone nods in sympathy with you."

Dr Elspeth McInnes, a sociology lecturer at the University of South Australia and an expert in changing families, has no doubt step-parenting is tough.

"It's not easy, and that's borne out by longitudinal studies that show there's a higher rate of break-up for stepfamilies than original families," she says.

McInnes believes anyone considering entering a serious relationship needs to understand the responsibilities that come with being a stepmother. "You may not particularly like a child but, as the adult, you have to deal with your feelings," she says. "You don't have to fall in love with them, but you can't vilify or abuse them, scapegoat them or have tantrums over them."

There was no instant love 28 years ago when Sonja Ridden took on her husband Ian's two children, aged three and four. Ridden, from Terrey Hills in Sydney, gave up work to be a full-time stepmother while Ian worked as a business consultant. The children's mother was not involved in their lives and one child had behavioural issues, later diagnosed as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Exhausted from coping with the caring, housework and other challenges, Ridden admits, "I felt angry with everyone, including myself. I felt angry with the child with the difficult behaviour and felt angry with my partner for getting me into this situation."

Two years into their marriage, Ridden (now 56), gave birth to the first of two sons. This had a profound effect on her relationship with her stepchildren. "When I had my biological child, I became aware of what the maternal instinct was all about and I started to feel a deeper connection to my stepchildren."

Her experiences prompted her to train as a counsellor and therapist, and much of her work is now with stepfamilies. She has also written a book, Hell...p! I'm A Stepmother, which tackles the issues of step- and blended families. She describes the expectation that stepmothers will immediately love their stepchildren as "unrealistic". "I fell in love with my partner, not his children. Just because it is a child, we think we should be superhuman."

It took 10 years as a stepmother for Ridden to come to terms with her circumstances. Today, all the children have left home and she enjoys with them what she calls "normal adult family relationships". They meet for birthdays and come together each year on Christmas Eve. But there were times she didn't know if she would make it through.

"If I had known what lay ahead when I first met Ian, I would absolutely not have got involved.

But knowing what I know now, I am not unhappy I travelled the journey. The challenges of being a stepmother were the making of me."

"I think everybody's weird. We should celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed by it."
~Johnny Depp~ 

paladinmom
by on Apr. 28, 2012 at 11:08 AM

Top Ten Evil Stepmothers

Evil Stepmothers. There's something so compelling about their duplicitous blend of 'nice to dad/mean to the kids' that when it's done right, this exclusive club of mega-villainesses creates audiences filled with booers and hissers, all secretly wishing they too could get away with a quick backhander to the spoiled little brats who just won't accept who the new queen of the house is. Or that their real mother is dead. 

When compiling this list one of course went to the sources of Evil Stepmothers – the fairytales of Snow White and Cinderella – variants thereof produce most on-screen wickedness in the second wife category. Although, special mentions must be handed out to the 'not quite so evil, just bad' step-mums, and fans of Terry O'Quinn would be livid if we didn't mention his delightful turn as 'new dad with axe' in The Stepfather. Although, including Evil Stepsister Kathryn Merteuil (Sarah Michelle Gellar) from 1999's Cruel Intentions might be taking it too far. 

Here they are, in order: 




10. Lupe 
The Stepmother (1972) 


If you love your stepmothers a little bit seventies, a whole lot Mexican and mixed up with blackmail, murder and step-incest, wellthis is the film for you. It's not often that a woman will be forced to seduce her new husband's son, nor is it that often that full frontal pubic nudity is an integral part of the plot. But hey. Oddly enough, this low budget shocker starred MASH's Major Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns, Larry Linville. So someone thought it had class. Unlike the aforementioned stepmother. A twisted schlock classic. 




9. Lady Tremaine 
Cinderella (1950) 


Evil Stepmothers always need something to be evil to. Usually it's the children that suffer the brunt of their malevolent duplicity, sometimes it's the pets, sometimes it's the first wife (if she's still around, of course – fairy tales tend to be pretty cut and dried on that – they're all dead) but in order to be particularly effective, their evil must be a cold splash of grapefruit vinegar onto a bowl of honey and sugar pudding. The good must be 'asking for it' good. In this case, the animated classic serves up talking mice, birds that help you dress, and forest creatures all willing to help around the house. Off camera, you can see Lady Tremaine preparing rusty, razor sharp mice traps (no, not the ecological kind) and checking the buckshot stocks for keeping down the dove population. Sadly, in this one, she never stood a chance. Not with pumpkin coaches on offer. 




8. The Singing Stepmother 
Cinderella (1997) 


This 1997 TV remake of Rodgers and Hammerstein's 1957 classic, starring Julie Andrews, had one thing going for it over the original – Bernadette Peters as the evil, manipulative stepmother, who not only had a great set of pipes, but could dance too. Peters on stage is a sight to behold, Evil Peters more so. It's too often that a stepmother's evil side overshadows her good qualities, like singing and dancing up a storm. She must have something attractive about her, right? - otherwise the father wouldn't marry her in the first place! Unless of course the whole stepmother myth is all about just how stupid men are. Hmmm. 




7. Frieda 
Happily N'ever After (2007) 


Sigourney Weaver voices the animated Frieda, who takes her stepmotherish wrath against Sarah Michelle Gellar's Ella out on the entire world of Happily Ever After, turning it into Happily N'Ever After, where all the villains of the all the fairy tales start taking over, and the world is turned upside down. So Prince Charming kisses Sleeping Beauty, and the kiss puts him to sleep. The Wolf and the Giant make short nix poor old Red Riding Hood and Jack, and Rumplestiltskin remains incognito - and gets the baby. Whilst the premise of the film sounds interesting, the end result was barely lifted above 'stay awake for the kids' level by Weaver's dynamite turn as not only an Evil Stepmother, but the Evil (yes, capital E) ruler of an entire world. 




6. Fiona 
A Cinderella Story (2004) 


You know, sometimes Evil Stepmothers get a bit of bad press (like this list), and it's not just because they're sometimes in terrible movies, but it's because no one likes seeing people be mean to the archetypes that fill the role of Cinderella or Snow White or variations thereof. In A Cinderella Story, we'll make an exception. Firstly, for Hilary Duff's Sam Montgomery, who deserves everything she gets (die, perky, die!) and Jennifer Coolidge's Fiona, who, as one would expect, is hilarious. 

We'll let Stifler's Evil Stepmom convince you with her own dialogue:

Fiona: "There's something I've always wanted to tell you and I think you're ready to hear it. You're not very pretty, and you're not very bright. Oh, I'm so glad we had that talk."

5. Baroness Rodmilla De Ghent 
Ever After (1998) 


When it comes to chewing up scenery, it helps to have an actress of the calibre and presence of Anjelica Huston in the role of evil stepmother. A blending of themes from the classic 1950 animated version with the slightly more brutal story of Aschenputt from the Brothers Grimm (still the original, and still the mutilatory best – read it, they use axes to help fit into the slippers!), Drew Barrymore wasn't so much given a hard time, but considered too lowly to even count. Huston was imperious, brutal, all powerful, a showstopper. Until, sadly, love conquered all. Social climbing was her bete noir, and so she ended a scullery maid. 




4. Lady Claudia Hoffman 
Snow White – A Tale of Terror (1997) 


Another delightful blend of myth and history, this film sets the Snow White story at the time of the Crusades, and has poor old Snow White (or 'Lilly') Hoffman escape to the comfort of a rather less than cuddly group of miners. Sigourney Weaver is the star of the show with an impressively powerful stepmotherly display of manipulation and cold-hearted brutality. What makes this fun is that she hides it so well from hubby Sam Neil, while at the same time being out and out evil – her wickedness extends to defacing her predecessors grave! Sigourney also has a crack at the old hag routine, which is not for the faint of heart. There's ugly, and then there's 'breakfast in my mouth' ugly. 




3. Eun-joo 
Janghwa, Hongryeon (A Tale of Two Sisters) (2003) 


This one is just downright creepy, as a film, and as a blueprint for nightmarish stepmothers everywhere, completely a bit too much, if exemplary for it's clear cut campaign of keeping the kids in line. There's being mean to your new children, but psychological torture involving poisoning the guests at dinner time, and then sitting there watching it – it's got to be too much. Actually, blueprint is right – it's from this particular film that the remake, The Uninvited, is garnered from. If you love your Asian horror (helloooo hairy ghosts!) this adds disturbing images and a torturous psychological menace to the usual blend of horror, care of Jung-ah Yum's delightfully manic Eun-joo. Look out for the twist in the end! 




2. Queen Narissa 
Enchanted (2007) 


Disney went to town on itself as the parodies ran thick with blood and every history-making animated film that ever stood the test of time was torn down in shreds to the delight of audiences everywhere. With Amy Adams' Giselle as an almost perfect blend of both Snow White and Cinderella, it wasn't her stepmother who proved difficult, but her upcoming mother-in-law, stepmother to Prince Edward, Queen Narissa, played by Susan Sarandon. This is the kind of stepmother you have to watch out for – the one with the power to send you to a smelly, three dimensional dimension, filled with savage New Yorkers who will sing and dance at the drop of a hat! Still, got to love it when stepmum turns into a dragon and tries to eat the guests. Always a crowd pleaser. 




1. The Queen 
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937) 


People forget this was the very first animated feature-length film. It was such a big deal, the Academy Awards handed out a special set of Oscars to Walt Disney – one big one, and, yep, you guessed it, seven little ones. The stepmother in question was intoxicatingly good looking, in a dangerously evil SMILF kind of way, but her wickedness, well – she IS the original evil queen; she not only kicks her stepdaughter out of the castle in the company of a woodsman tasked to cut out her heart (that is cold, man, cold!) but then tries to off her with poisoned fruit. A double murder attempt qualifies her as evil above and beyond all other Evil Stepmothers. It's a no holds barred, quality evil. She's also an icon (in queen form, not old witch with a wart form) to Evil Queens everywhere, who believe that being proclaimed the fairest of them all should have no price tag, moral or otherwise. And why should it? 
paladinmom
by on Apr. 28, 2012 at 11:10 AM

Overcoming the "Evil Stepmother" Stereotype

Author: Elizabeth Grace - Updated: 18 December 2010 

Most everyone is familiar with the fairy tale reputation of stepmothers, but in real life, most stepmothers are kind and caring souls, dedicated to their families and wildly in love with their partner’s children.

Stereotypes are rarely fair or accurate, but for stepmothers who may join their new family at the protest of their stepchildren, overcoming the evil stepmother stereotype can time some time and effort.

Allowing the Stepchildren to Get to Know You

All good relationships take time to develop and the bond between a stepmother and her stepchildren is no exception. Even women who are quite eager to form loving relationships with their spouse’s kids aren’t likely to find that either they or the children feel an immediate connection.

There are a number of things that stepmothers can do to help them grow close to their step-kids, but in the end, patience is in order, giving both generations time to get to know and trust one another. Presenting oneself as an honest and caring individual is important, and stepparents must try to resist the urge to exaggerate their abilities or put on any false fronts in an effort to impress their stepchildren. Kids have an uncanny ability to spot a fraud, so it’s best for stepmothers to simply be themselves and let the children get to know and love them for who they really are.

Getting to Know the Stepchildren

Everyone enjoys it when others take a genuine interest in getting to know them, so stepmothers can go a long toward dispelling any negative feelings that the children have by expressing a sincere desire to learn about each of their stepchildren and their individual preferences. No two kids are exactly alike and smart parents and stepparents take the time to show each of their children that they are appreciated for their unique talents and traits.

Kids of all ages, from toddlers to teens, need and deserve attention from family members. Stepmothers who show the children that they are genuinely loved will often find the sentiment is soon returned.

Clarifying Your Motives

Part of the hesitancy that children express about welcoming a stepmother into their lives stems from their uncertainty about how her presence will impact their lives. Many worry that she may implement a new set of rules or change their comfortable routines, while others are concerned that she intends to replace their mothers and challenge their loyalties.

While mere words aren’t likely to quell all of their fears, children do need to have the assurances of their parents and stepparents that their lives and families will not suffer because their fathers chose to marry again. Stepmothers need to show the kids, in both words and deeds, that their motives are pure and that they want nothing more than to love them and their father, helping him to be happy and create a loving household.

Proving Yourself Worthy of Being a Stepmum

Love and respect aren’t automatic; they need to be earned. Even the most resistant of children will usually come around once they’ve been convinced that their stepmothers are kind and generous people, not at all like what they may have read in storybooks.

Being gentle and loving, providing tender care, and creating an atmosphere of fairness and trust are all ways by which stepmothers can earn the admiration of their spouse’s children. Until they are shown that their fears are unwarranted, it can be perfectly natural for kids to distrust their stepmothers and the changes that they may bring into their lives – children have a limited amount of life experience and rely on those closest to them to teach them that the world is a safe and welcoming place. Stepmothers who make their step-kids feel loved are certainly not about to be lumped together with the evil stepmothers of fairy tale fame.


AlmostFamous
by on Apr. 28, 2012 at 11:19 AM
I like the article, I didn't read through the "Evil Stepmother" movie thing though. But the article itself was good. Unfortunately, even knowing what you are getting yourself into, and trying to do your best to keep balance isn't enough when you have a really out of control Step child. And it makes it even harder when the BM encourages the behavior.

I went into the SM role thinking we would all just get along...I was wrong, so I agree with the part about having the wrong expectations. Now, 7 years later, it's gotten worse instead of better. When SD comes around, I feel like I am walking on eggshells. As does DH, one wrong move (in her eyes) and she flips her lid. Not to mention the sheer hatred she has for us both at this point, thanks to BM telling her lies.

I wish it were all as easy as some have it, but unless the whole family unit, including BM and other members of the family, are all on the same page, it is a hard road.
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sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Apr. 28, 2012 at 12:10 PM

I think I've seen 2 or 3 of those evil stepmom movies!  I heard Cinderella Story was hilarious (mostly because of Jennifer Coolidge...I LOVE HER!).

 

annabl1970
by Gold Member on Apr. 28, 2012 at 1:31 PM


Quoting paladinmom:

Hey ladies!  

You are about to see a series of articles posted following this.  I know that not too long ago, there was a post (here or a different group) about why are stepmothers considered "evil".

Well, I can say that my experiences as of late are leading me to feel as though I am considered this.  BM is teaching the SKs that I am an evil SM.  They are, in return, behaving in a hateful and resentful manner not only to me, but their father (my DH).  

I'm in a IDGAF mood today.  DH has said something that has me extremely upset.  For those of you who know my story a bit "up close and personal", you may PM me on here (and for the few of you on my FB page, MSG me there is #1 choice) for specifics.  Those who don't know the nitty gritty to my SM life (and BM life) - lets just say that I keep it private for a reason.

Now, enjoy the Evil Stepmom articles.  I'll highlight the parts that have me feeling the way I do.

And, to add before I continue on - I've been working my ass off to make my DH and children happy - and the results are me feeling like I'm an insignificant piece of shit underneath someone's foot.  (DH complimented several times this week different things - and last week.  He knows I'm doing all I can to help myself and him.  And to keep the children happy as well.)

I just want it all to go back to where it was (mentally and emotionally) 18 months ago.

Did you read my post : http://www.cafemom.com/group/114270/forums/read/16417687/Stepmotherhood_How_to_Survive_Without_Feeling_Frustrated_Left_Out_or_Wicked

annabl1970
by Gold Member on Apr. 28, 2012 at 1:32 PM

It's really good article by

Stepmothering is not simple in practice or in its effect. The role's lack of clarity and uncertainty can muddy your self-image and self-esteem. A stepmother goes from merely marrying a man with children to facing a myriad of psychological and emotional truths. It's a quick, short trip, and it leaves many of us feeling overwhelmed and out of touch with our own lives. Personal considerations seem small and unworthy against the larger issues of children, pain, and divorce.

What is a stepmother really? The fact of being a stepmother can be described accurately - she is married to a man who has children by somebody else - but the meaning is seldom examined. Current society doesn't even seem to have a standard for the role.

No wonder we stepmothers feel so ill at ease. There are no models, no precedents, no fantasy stepmums in television commercials to depict what an ideal stepmother should be. The only role model is a natural mom, and it is disastrous for us to emulate her. Even the greeting card industry, which has found ways to celebrate almost every conceivable relationship and occasion, dances around stepfamily relationships. Hallmark has introduced a new line devoted to nontraditional families but the word "step" is never used, which surely says something about society's unease with us.

Stepmothering means filling a new position in a family and creating a relationship to the children that is different from any either you or they have known before. For many women, one of the most disconcerting aspects of stepmotherhood is the title: stepmother. Those last two syllables are difficult for them - especially for women without children of their own - to feel at home with.

Changing an awkward title almost never works. Changing our understanding of what the term implies does help.

The stepmother's time has come. The rates of divorce and remarriage have swelled her number and dramatically changed her function, even if her public image still lags behind. The dusty old pinched and negative notion of stepmothering is going out of style as a quarter of a million modern women become new stepmothers every year and leave their imprint on the title. A stepmother is no longer an apologetic oddity on the fringe of family life. Instead, she has a full-fledged part in a new kind of family that is fashioned around new needs and relationships rather than an inapplicable old design of traditional family life. She is neither imitative of the natural mother nor a half member of a family as a helpful maiden aunt or kindly neighbor might be - old parallels that were formerly applied to her status.

gr8d8n3mom
by on Apr. 28, 2012 at 1:33 PM

I liked the article, I also "knew what I was getting into," or so I thought. I didn't expect the BM to take on such a "hate the SM/& while we were dating role" after all, event tho they had marriage problems thru the yrs( & my SIS in law told me BM was "planning" this divorce for a few yrs) DH just didn't play it the way BM wanted to to go.

So I'm fighting a loosing battle as, while we were dating, the kids "seemed" to like me, but I also lived 2 & 1/2 hrs away, and we only saw each other on days of the week DH didn't have his kids or weekends he didn't have them, we rarely we "all together" even tho a yr had passed, so the kids could get used to DH dating.

BM took on the hate role, and she doesn't even know me, not from my area, or even from my state. She constantly tells the SKDS things about DH and I, while we were dating she would even tell them I was his mistress!, The youngest is 13, there is nothing at this point I can do. Maybe hope one day they will see thru her lies, but that is very doubtful as we hear comments from the other 2 skds at the supper table. no matter how DH tries to  tell the truth or SHOW it on paper, u can tell they have tuned him out.(ysd told me I would never be family, ok so be it)

I am also a BM tho my girls are 19 & 24 & I have 2 grand kids.


planning a wedding


annabl1970
by Gold Member on Apr. 28, 2012 at 1:33 PM

you rockPaladinmom you rock!

lilangilyn
by on Apr. 28, 2012 at 3:13 PM


Quoting AlmostFamous:

I like the article, I didn't read through the "Evil Stepmother" movie thing though. But the article itself was good. Unfortunately, even knowing what you are getting yourself into, and trying to do your best to keep balance isn't enough when you have a really out of control Step child. And it makes it even harder when the BM encourages the behavior.

I went into the SM role thinking we would all just get along...I was wrong, so I agree with the part about having the wrong expectations. Now, 7 years later, it's gotten worse instead of better. When SD comes around, I feel like I am walking on eggshells. As does DH, one wrong move (in her eyes) and she flips her lid. Not to mention the sheer hatred she has for us both at this point, thanks to BM telling her lies.

I wish it were all as easy as some have it, but unless the whole family unit, including BM and other members of the family, are all on the same page, it is a hard road.

I really identify with this post. I think that people can take the high road, behave in a mature manner, put their children first and still have a horrible step life. If there is a birth parent in the picture who is dysfunctional, or a child who has been taught to hate, it will be hell no matter what.

In our case, rather than suffer through hell, we walked away. It's going well. At the end of May SS graduates and will be going to community college. We are proud of him and are happy that he is happy. He is not a perfect boy by any means, but once the pressure was off of him to be loyal to both parents, he was a better kid.

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