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I entered this marriage with no idea of all the emotionI entered this marriage with no idea of all the emotions and situations I will be facing or dealing with.
Some of this, I have dificulty dealing with and resulted to my anxiety and panic attacks.and I try my best to avoid it.
I have learned not to have expectations anymore. the only expectation I demand is respect. It became easier to deal with the complexities of stepfamily if you have low expectations. I stop beating myself because I couldnt love my stepkids the way I love my own kids and just let it go. It made it easier to interact with my stepkids, I dont feel forced to show fake fondness. Our relationship isnt the same as my relationship with my own kids but it doesnt mean I dont love or care for them, after all they are the kids of the man I fell inlove with. I decided to let time do its job in binding our hearts and let the relationship bloom on its own.
Unfortunately my husband expects me to love them as my own biokids. And because I couldnt, accuses me of hating them. I do not hate my stepkids, but its wrong to force love. I dont expect my stepkids to love me as much as they love their real parents. seems like my husband wants us to live like an intact, nuclear family but stepfamily dynamics is way way more different than an intact one. I feel awful now, like I was an evil stepmother, a selfish person.

UPDATE:
Hes playing mind game.. He brought out a big bag, I thought he was moving out..im thinking..ok as soon as he leaves, ill file for custody of our babies. But it turned out to be old baby clothes.. Yeah.. He put them on a travelling bag and left in front of the door, waited few hours before saying these are old baby clothes. Then helping to cook while im feeding the baby, and try to start conversation but its strained.even bought my fave dunkin donuts and ice cream.. But he avoid talking about the problem, no explanation, no apologies. I do the normal thing I do everyday and try to keep my normal cheerful self.then last night sd12 text him asking if she can bring friend for sleepover, I dont really mind but you know whos gonna take care of them, the evil stepmother while daddy hang out with creepy neighbor outside..
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by on May. 2, 2012 at 7:58 AM
Replies (21-30):
findingserenity
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 9:24 AM
Boundary is my bestfriend, clear expectation is my guide.
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findingserenity
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 9:37 AM
I stop being a doormat few months ago, thats why sd20 stop trying my patience, I spoke up and explained, cleared up some unspoken issues. Husband and sd20 didnt like it. I refused to be push over and when its bothering me or its something im not comfortable I speak up, particularly when it comes to my kids.
Now with husband, I tried to speak to him but he walk out, refused to face me, hid in the bathroom and turn on the faucet (how cowardly) I told him that when I fell inlove with him, I didnt know I am expected to fall inlove with his kids, that I have to love them as my own and be a mother to them when they are with us. Bm is not a bad mom and very much involve with sk.


Quoting chanizen:

Why are you being a doormat????!!!!



I'm going to be totally blunt. It's my nature :)



Stop accepting guilt and shame from him. Sit down. Meditate or pray. If you contributed to the situation... Acknowledge that.



But then let dh own his own crap. I have actually said to dh.... I don't have a problem with the kids. I have a problem with YOU.



You expected insta family, you did not do the work required to foster a good situation. YOU are the middleman. The catalyst. You didn't do your job and you dumped a pile of mess in my lap.



You need to deal with your kids. To make the situation work. Step up.



I own my mistakes in the situation. But I will not own his. And I love him.... But he needs to keep the guilt and shame for himself.

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findingserenity
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 9:41 AM
I might as well.. Yes.its getting on me and I want to be mentally healthy and emotionally stable and happy for myself and my kids.the stress I deal with is just getting way too heavy.


Quoting MakesPrtyBabies:

I would recommend you go alone then, if only for your own sanity. You might learn some coping skills to deal with all this.




Quoting findingserenity:

No.hes not open to it if hed be involved.he thinks im the oNo.hes not open to it if hed be involved.he thinks im the only one who needs counselling.






Quoting MakesPrtyBabies:

I am sorry you are dealing with this. My new husband and I have this problem too. He has gottent upset when I refer to his kids as "his" kids, and wants all five to be " the" kids. He doesn't think I like his kids, and its almost gotten to resentment because I feel the need to be so fake around them because I don't love them like he wants, and so he assumes I hate them. We've talked about counceling, although he hasn't called yet....is that something your DH is open to?



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chanizen
by Platinum Member on May. 2, 2012 at 9:48 AM
Then just accept that he is acting like a child.

My response to "you don't love my kids".... "I love them just fine. But YOU are not doing YOUR part in making this work".

And I would plan around dh being a dodo head until he stops being a dodo head.


Quoting findingserenity:

I stop being a doormat few months ago, thats why sd20 stop trying my patience, I spoke up and explained, cleared up some unspoken issues. Husband and sd20 didnt like it. I refused to be push over and when its bothering me or its something im not comfortable I speak up, particularly when it comes to my kids.

Now with husband, I tried to speak to him but he walk out, refused to face me, hid in the bathroom and turn on the faucet (how cowardly) I told him that when I fell inlove with him, I didnt know I am expected to fall inlove with his kids, that I have to love them as my own and be a mother to them when they are with us. Bm is not a bad mom and very much involve with sk.




Quoting chanizen:

Why are you being a doormat????!!!!





I'm going to be totally blunt. It's my nature :)





Stop accepting guilt and shame from him. Sit down. Meditate or pray. If you contributed to the situation... Acknowledge that.





But then let dh own his own crap. I have actually said to dh.... I don't have a problem with the kids. I have a problem with YOU.





You expected insta family, you did not do the work required to foster a good situation. YOU are the middleman. The catalyst. You didn't do your job and you dumped a pile of mess in my lap.





You need to deal with your kids. To make the situation work. Step up.





I own my mistakes in the situation. But I will not own his. And I love him.... But he needs to keep the guilt and shame for himself.


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lilangilyn
by on May. 2, 2012 at 9:52 AM
1 mom liked this

He is being an ass. The more I hear about this man, the more I dislike him.

annabl1970
by Gold Member on May. 2, 2012 at 9:55 AM
Get your DL. Get some college cources (can be done on line). Meet new friends.
Do something for YOU. You should do something to bring your self-esteem up! Then you never will depend on his\SD moods, expectations, or demands. Tell DH: unlike for BPs, it's NOT required for SPs to love SKs. Just do no harm. Sorry, but honestly your H seems way controlling and demading. Stand up for yourself!
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findingserenity
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 10:01 AM
It seems she has this delusion that if I die daddy and mommy will get back together plus they will get my babies.yeah.. Pretty sick... Creepy. She said she had a dream I died daddy went to prison and bm got custody of my kids... I dont believe the I had a dream last night.. I think that is what she is dreaming.creepy


Quoting Tigress22304:

 


Quoting findingserenity:

I told sd20 I dont want to discuss death, I am healthy, knock on wood and pray to God, and I intend to be in my own kids life see them watch them and take care of them for as long as I can. She kept pushing it needs to be discuss but ignored that.i was getting aggravated I wanted tk say if you worry about my kids future, why dont you enroll in life insurance and put them as your benefactor?but its rude.im sving that line next time she repeat it again.



Quoting Tigress22304:


 





 the most she will say is she will have my kids when I die and daddy.



 DH's SD11 keeps saying how DD8's Daddy is gonna take her away from us and we'll never have to see her again. Where this came from I'll never know-esp after DH and I have both told her many times that neither SS OR DD will be leaving this house against their will. DH told her if anything were to happen to me HE would be keeping DD-even though he's not her bio dad. SD11 wasn't too happy about that answer.



Your SD's delusional living in her own world. Seriously. I'd avoid her. YOu don't HAVE to love his kids. Don't put yourself down over it. Really. If he wants to make you feel like shit then HE"S the asshole for forcing you to love his kids.



My DH told me the same thing-how I ignore his SD and keep her uninvolved with our activities. yep I do ignore her-because of her behavior and the way she treats me and the other kids-why would I want to be around her?!



 



 does she have life insurance policy out on you?! my uncle's wife was like that-my grandfather found it disturbing-she constantly talked about when he died what she would do.the whole family warned him something wasn't right.


and yes he died fairly young-he was murdered-she got a millions from his life insurance policy and took off-nobody knows where she's at-but that bitch better stay away


it's none of your SD's business about your kids-and I would bring it up the next time she does-like is she trying to kill you?! trying to replace you?! Does she think DH's gonna give up his kids to her!? Would your family give up on taking care of your kids?!


Sick, sick, sick


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findingserenity
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 10:05 AM
1 mom liked this
I have called several driving school, unfortunately they cant provide transportation so I can attend classroom classes. But yeah, im scanning my friend list and reaching out to see if they can or knows anybody willing to teach me even for an hour everyday. I have a little money im saving for it.


Quoting annabl1970:

Get your DL. Get some college cources (can be done on line). Meet new friends.

Do something for YOU. You should do something to bring your self-esteem up! Then you never will depend on his\SD moods, expectations, or demands. Tell DH: unlike for BPs, it's NOT required for SPs to love SKs. Just do no harm. Sorry, but honestly your H seems way controlling and demading. Stand up for yourself!

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
findingserenity
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 10:27 AM
1 mom liked this
Oh and I had my transcript evaluated. Yup, if we ever movEd,i hope there will be a bus stop near so I cAn go to driving school.cross fingers.


Quoting annabl1970:

Get your DL. Get some college cources (can be done on line). Meet new friends.

Do something for YOU. You should do something to bring your self-esteem up! Then you never will depend on his\SD moods, expectations, or demands. Tell DH: unlike for BPs, it's NOT required for SPs to love SKs. Just do no harm. Sorry, but honestly your H seems way controlling and demading. Stand up for yourself!

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Tigress22304
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Princess with Ms Kara
Yesterday at 6:36 PM
by Platinum Member on May. 2, 2012 at 10:36 AM

 

Quoting findingserenity:

It seems she has this delusion that if I die daddy and mommy will get back together plus they will get my babies.yeah.. Pretty sick... Creepy. She said she had a dream I died daddy went to prison and bm got custody of my kids... I dont believe the I had a dream last night.. I think that is what she is dreaming.creepy


Quoting Tigress22304:

 


Quoting findingserenity:

I told sd20 I dont want to discuss death, I am healthy, knock on wood and pray to God, and I intend to be in my own kids life see them watch them and take care of them for as long as I can. She kept pushing it needs to be discuss but ignored that.i was getting aggravated I wanted tk say if you worry about my kids future, why dont you enroll in life insurance and put them as your benefactor?but its rude.im sving that line next time she repeat it again.



Quoting Tigress22304:


 





 the most she will say is she will have my kids when I die and daddy.



 DH's SD11 keeps saying how DD8's Daddy is gonna take her away from us and we'll never have to see her again. Where this came from I'll never know-esp after DH and I have both told her many times that neither SS OR DD will be leaving this house against their will. DH told her if anything were to happen to me HE would be keeping DD-even though he's not her bio dad. SD11 wasn't too happy about that answer.



Your SD's delusional living in her own world. Seriously. I'd avoid her. YOu don't HAVE to love his kids. Don't put yourself down over it. Really. If he wants to make you feel like shit then HE"S the asshole for forcing you to love his kids.



My DH told me the same thing-how I ignore his SD and keep her uninvolved with our activities. yep I do ignore her-because of her behavior and the way she treats me and the other kids-why would I want to be around her?!



 



 does she have life insurance policy out on you?! my uncle's wife was like that-my grandfather found it disturbing-she constantly talked about when he died what she would do.the whole family warned him something wasn't right.


and yes he died fairly young-he was murdered-she got a millions from his life insurance policy and took off-nobody knows where she's at-but that bitch better stay away


it's none of your SD's business about your kids-and I would bring it up the next time she does-like is she trying to kill you?! trying to replace you?! Does she think DH's gonna give up his kids to her!? Would your family give up on taking care of your kids?!


Sick, sick, sick


 If she was under 18-I would seriously have her taken in for a full mental checkup. Something's not right about that chick.

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