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I entered this marriage with no idea of all the emotionI entered this marriage with no idea of all the emotions and situations I will be facing or dealing with.
Some of this, I have dificulty dealing with and resulted to my anxiety and panic attacks.and I try my best to avoid it.
I have learned not to have expectations anymore. the only expectation I demand is respect. It became easier to deal with the complexities of stepfamily if you have low expectations. I stop beating myself because I couldnt love my stepkids the way I love my own kids and just let it go. It made it easier to interact with my stepkids, I dont feel forced to show fake fondness. Our relationship isnt the same as my relationship with my own kids but it doesnt mean I dont love or care for them, after all they are the kids of the man I fell inlove with. I decided to let time do its job in binding our hearts and let the relationship bloom on its own.
Unfortunately my husband expects me to love them as my own biokids. And because I couldnt, accuses me of hating them. I do not hate my stepkids, but its wrong to force love. I dont expect my stepkids to love me as much as they love their real parents. seems like my husband wants us to live like an intact, nuclear family but stepfamily dynamics is way way more different than an intact one. I feel awful now, like I was an evil stepmother, a selfish person.

UPDATE:
Hes playing mind game.. He brought out a big bag, I thought he was moving out..im thinking..ok as soon as he leaves, ill file for custody of our babies. But it turned out to be old baby clothes.. Yeah.. He put them on a travelling bag and left in front of the door, waited few hours before saying these are old baby clothes. Then helping to cook while im feeding the baby, and try to start conversation but its strained.even bought my fave dunkin donuts and ice cream.. But he avoid talking about the problem, no explanation, no apologies. I do the normal thing I do everyday and try to keep my normal cheerful self.then last night sd12 text him asking if she can bring friend for sleepover, I dont really mind but you know whos gonna take care of them, the evil stepmother while daddy hang out with creepy neighbor outside..
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by on May. 2, 2012 at 7:58 AM
Replies (31-40):
annabl1970
by Gold Member on May. 2, 2012 at 10:52 AM
Best of luck!:)


Quoting findingserenity:

Oh and I had my transcript evaluated. Yup, if we ever movEd,i hope there will be a bus stop near so I cAn go to driving school.cross fingers.




Quoting annabl1970:

Get your DL. Get some college cources (can be done on line). Meet new friends.


Do something for YOU. You should do something to bring your self-esteem up! Then you never will depend on his\SD moods, expectations, or demands. Tell DH: unlike for BPs, it's NOT required for SPs to love SKs. Just do no harm. Sorry, but honestly your H seems way controlling and demading. Stand up for yourself!


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findingserenity
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 10:59 AM
She is 20. Her real father abandoned them when she was 3mos old. Then husband stepped up and became her daddy when she was 5yo, but bm got pregnant with sd12 and sd20 got so jealous of the new baby, after a year, sd21 showed up, husband didnt know about her, and sd20 hates her, up to this day. And then I came when she was turning 18.


Quoting Tigress22304:

 


Quoting findingserenity:

It seems she has this delusion that if I die daddy and mommy will get back together plus they will get my babies.yeah.. Pretty sick... Creepy. She said she had a dream I died daddy went to prison and bm got custody of my kids... I dont believe the I had a dream last night.. I think that is what she is dreaming.creepy



Quoting Tigress22304:


 



Quoting findingserenity:

I told sd20 I dont want to discuss death, I am healthy, knock on wood and pray to God, and I intend to be in my own kids life see them watch them and take care of them for as long as I can. She kept pushing it needs to be discuss but ignored that.i was getting aggravated I wanted tk say if you worry about my kids future, why dont you enroll in life insurance and put them as your benefactor?but its rude.im sving that line next time she repeat it again.




Quoting Tigress22304:



 







 the most she will say is she will have my kids when I die and daddy.




 DH's SD11 keeps saying how DD8's Daddy is gonna take her away from us and we'll never have to see her again. Where this came from I'll never know-esp after DH and I have both told her many times that neither SS OR DD will be leaving this house against their will. DH told her if anything were to happen to me HE would be keeping DD-even though he's not her bio dad. SD11 wasn't too happy about that answer.




Your SD's delusional living in her own world. Seriously. I'd avoid her. YOu don't HAVE to love his kids. Don't put yourself down over it. Really. If he wants to make you feel like shit then HE"S the asshole for forcing you to love his kids.




My DH told me the same thing-how I ignore his SD and keep her uninvolved with our activities. yep I do ignore her-because of her behavior and the way she treats me and the other kids-why would I want to be around her?!




 




 does she have life insurance policy out on you?! my uncle's wife was like that-my grandfather found it disturbing-she constantly talked about when he died what she would do.the whole family warned him something wasn't right.



and yes he died fairly young-he was murdered-she got a millions from his life insurance policy and took off-nobody knows where she's at-but that bitch better stay away



it's none of your SD's business about your kids-and I would bring it up the next time she does-like is she trying to kill you?! trying to replace you?! Does she think DH's gonna give up his kids to her!? Would your family give up on taking care of your kids?!



Sick, sick, sick



 If she was under 18-I would seriously have her taken in for a full mental checkup. Something's not right about that chick.


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yesmaam
by on May. 2, 2012 at 11:07 AM

 Don't feel awful, and I dont love my SS like I do my own kids. If I did that'd be creepy. I believe the sole reason for that difference is b/c my kids grew inside of me for 40 weeks, well DS for 41 weeks that lil pain lol and SS didn't. To me that's just creepy.  It's like the love you have for your brother/uncle is different from the love you have for SO.......creepy is the only way to describe it.

Are your bio kids also DH's kids or his skids? If there his bios also, then of course he wouldn't understand. And if they are his skids, he's full of it lol

findingserenity
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 11:15 AM
Yes, my kids are his bio too. But him wanting us to function like nuclear family just wont work, and weve only been married for 3 years, I didnt meet sd20, she refused to meet me, until 2 months before I gave birth to ds2


Quoting yesmaam:

 Don't feel awful, and I dont love my SS like I do my own kids. If I did that'd be creepy. I believe the sole reason for that difference is b/c my kids grew inside of me for 40 weeks, well DS for 41 weeks that lil pain lol and SS didn't. To me that's just creepy.  It's like the love you have for your brother/uncle is different from the love you have for SO.......creepy is the only way to describe it.


Are your bio kids also DH's kids or his skids? If there his bios also, then of course he wouldn't understand. And if they are his skids, he's full of it lol


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darrensmom11
by on May. 2, 2012 at 11:16 AM
My DH used to say that I didn't like his Son,my SS. He forgets that i'm the one that does EVERYTHING FOR HIS KIDS. . Not him. You mentioned something about after admitting to yourself that you didn't share the same feelings towards your Sk, that it was easy to deal. I agree. I Love my SS in the way that I wouldn't want harm to come to him or See him in pain. . . But its just different. I Love my sons the same way. . But the feeling is more natural. Yes, I Have to force out emotions towards SS and it feels so fake. . . But what Can I do right. I clothe him, feed him, help him with school work, read to him, basically do all the mom things. . But its more like motions that i'm going thru with him. Its been 1full year so far. I hope it changes. Hugs to you. I feel like a bad mom sometimes for admitting that I don't feel the same way bout SS that I do bout my own sons. . Then I remember. . I'M HUMAN. :)
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findingserenity
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 11:27 AM
Thanks!!!!


Quoting findingserenity:

She is 20. Her real father abandoned them when she was 3mos old. Then husband stepped up and became her daddy when she was 5yo, but bm got pregnant with sd12 and sd20 got so jealous of the new baby, after a year, sd21 showed up, husband didnt know about her, and sd20 hates her, up to this day. And then I came when she was turning 18.




Quoting Tigress22304:

 



Quoting findingserenity:

It seems she has this delusion that if I die daddy and mommy will get back together plus they will get my babies.yeah.. Pretty sick... Creepy. She said she had a dream I died daddy went to prison and bm got custody of my kids... I dont believe the I had a dream last night.. I think that is what she is dreaming.creepy




Quoting Tigress22304:



 




Quoting findingserenity:

I told sd20 I dont want to discuss death, I am healthy, knock on wood and pray to God, and I intend to be in my own kids life see them watch them and take care of them for as long as I can. She kept pushing it needs to be discuss but ignored that.i was getting aggravated I wanted tk say if you worry about my kids future, why dont you enroll in life insurance and put them as your benefactor?but its rude.im sving that line next time she repeat it again.





Quoting Tigress22304:




 









 the most she will say is she will have my kids when I die and daddy.





 DH's SD11 keeps saying how DD8's Daddy is gonna take her away from us and we'll never have to see her again. Where this came from I'll never know-esp after DH and I have both told her many times that neither SS OR DD will be leaving this house against their will. DH told her if anything were to happen to me HE would be keeping DD-even though he's not her bio dad. SD11 wasn't too happy about that answer.





Your SD's delusional living in her own world. Seriously. I'd avoid her. YOu don't HAVE to love his kids. Don't put yourself down over it. Really. If he wants to make you feel like shit then HE"S the asshole for forcing you to love his kids.





My DH told me the same thing-how I ignore his SD and keep her uninvolved with our activities. yep I do ignore her-because of her behavior and the way she treats me and the other kids-why would I want to be around her?!





 





 does she have life insurance policy out on you?! my uncle's wife was like that-my grandfather found it disturbing-she constantly talked about when he died what she would do.the whole family warned him something wasn't right.




and yes he died fairly young-he was murdered-she got a millions from his life insurance policy and took off-nobody knows where she's at-but that bitch better stay away




it's none of your SD's business about your kids-and I would bring it up the next time she does-like is she trying to kill you?! trying to replace you?! Does she think DH's gonna give up his kids to her!? Would your family give up on taking care of your kids?!




Sick, sick, sick




 If she was under 18-I would seriously have her taken in for a full mental checkup. Something's not right about that chick.



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findingserenity
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 11:35 AM
Im non custodial sm but when they are here I treat them fair,take care of them. With sd12, shes more open so bonding is easy but sd20, I am wary.


Quoting darrensmom11:

My DH used to say that I didn't like his Son,my SS. He forgets that i'm the one that does EVERYTHING FOR HIS KIDS. . Not him. You mentioned something about after admitting to yourself that you didn't share the same feelings towards your Sk, that it was easy to deal. I agree. I Love my SS in the way that I wouldn't want harm to come to him or See him in pain. . . But its just different. I Love my sons the same way. . But the feeling is more natural. Yes, I Have to force out emotions towards SS and it feels so fake. . . But what Can I do right. I clothe him, feed him, help him with school work, read to him, basically do all the mom things. . But its more like motions that i'm going thru with him. Its been 1full year so far. I hope it changes. Hugs to you. I feel like a bad mom sometimes for admitting that I don't feel the same way bout SS that I do bout my own sons. . Then I remember. . I'M HUMAN. :)

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EmilyMarshall
by on May. 2, 2012 at 11:37 AM
bump


sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on May. 2, 2012 at 12:50 PM

Fuck him.  He's a lost cause.  I don't even know why you bother communicating with him.  He treats you like shit and keeps you like you're the maid or something.  You can't drive, he refuses to teach you, you can't work because you don't have transportation...etc.  I don't know why you bother.  At this point, he'd be a non-entity to me and he'd be hard pressed to get me to say ANYTHING at all.  What's the point?

Quoting findingserenity:

Tried telling him but he walk away.refuses to talk to me.


Quoting 2bkayleesmommy:

My SO tells me I hate his daughter cuz I sometimes yell...but I don't yell @ her I yell @ the girls (mine and his) like, "get out of the room!" Keep in mind I've told them nicely 5x before!! They like to jump on my bed, and will fall out the window that is right @ the side of the bed. I ignore him or say, "if u want me to treat her just like my daughter, ur not gonna like it, cuz kaylee (my dd) is disciplined a lot harder then u, well ur lack of" and he will cut it out. It's all or nothing he doesn't get to choose what it treated as my bio or step! So tell him! Exactly wut u told us


sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on May. 2, 2012 at 12:52 PM


Quoting EmilyMarshall:

bump

Emily, you better start posting something real instead of bumping the post.  The cafemom monitors will delete your profile thinking that you're a bot.

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