Some of this, I have dificulty dealing with and resulted to my anxiety and panic attacks.and I try my best to avoid it.
I have learned not to have expectations anymore. the only expectation I demand is respect. It became easier to deal with the complexities of stepfamily if you have low expectations. I stop beating myself because I couldnt love my stepkids the way I love my own kids and just let it go. It made it easier to interact with my stepkids, I dont feel forced to show fake fondness. Our relationship isnt the same as my relationship with my own kids but it doesnt mean I dont love or care for them, after all they are the kids of the man I fell inlove with. I decided to let time do its job in binding our hearts and let the relationship bloom on its own.
Unfortunately my husband expects me to love them as my own biokids. And because I couldnt, accuses me of hating them. I do not hate my stepkids, but its wrong to force love. I dont expect my stepkids to love me as much as they love their real parents. seems like my husband wants us to live like an intact, nuclear family but stepfamily dynamics is way way more different than an intact one. I feel awful now, like I was an evil stepmother, a selfish person.
UPDATE:
Hes playing mind game.. He brought out a big bag, I thought he was moving out..im thinking..ok as soon as he leaves, ill file for custody of our babies. But it turned out to be old baby clothes.. Yeah.. He put them on a travelling bag and left in front of the door, waited few hours before saying these are old baby clothes. Then helping to cook while im feeding the baby, and try to start conversation but its strained.even bought my fave dunkin donuts and ice cream.. But he avoid talking about the problem, no explanation, no apologies. I do the normal thing I do everyday and try to keep my normal cheerful self.then last night sd12 text him asking if she can bring friend for sleepover, I dont really mind but you know whos gonna take care of them, the evil stepmother while daddy hang out with creepy neighbor outside..
Quoting 2bkayleesmommy:
My SO tells me I hate his daughter cuz I sometimes yell...but I don't yell @ her I yell @ the girls (mine and his) like, "get out of the room!" Keep in mind I've told them nicely 5x before!! They like to jump on my bed, and will fall out the window that is right @ the side of the bed. I ignore him or say, "if u want me to treat her just like my daughter, ur not gonna like it, cuz kaylee (my dd) is disciplined a lot harder then u, well ur lack of" and he will cut it out. It's all or nothing he doesn't get to choose what it treated as my bio or step! So tell him! Exactly wut u told us
Quoting angelmommy2806:
You are not evil. Your Dh's expectations are not great. At least you do not resent them. Your husband cannot force you to love them and he should be happy that you're not living in complete chaos.
If he continues to push me, im afraid I will really resent them and this marriage.His adopted daughter doesnt like me, shes already an adult when I came into her life and most of the tine we are together, she tries to make me uncomfortable, wont recognize me when she comes visit, talks endlessly to daddy about her mommy especially when im around. Wont talk to me, I tried to talk to her but she paid no attention or show disinterest. the most she will say is she willhave my kids when I die and daddy. I feel lime shes trying to make me feel an outsider in my own home so I simply disengaged.and husband says she is a bitch but she loves me.. and I told him, that isnt how I see or feel so I just chill and stay out of her way, unless it involves my kids. And now, husband hates me.i will not force a relationship with someone who doesnt want it.
Quoting angelmommy2806:
You are not evil. Your Dh's expectations are not great. At least you do not resent them. Your husband cannot force you to love them and he should be happy that you're not living in complete chaos.
It's not evil to not love someone. It's ridiculous to expect someone to love their child like that. If it happens and you end up loving the kid, then great. If not, as long as you are kind and respectful that is all that matters.
My DH had this problem in the beginning. He would tell me he wants me to love his son. I flat out said to him, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel the same way about your son that you do. I JUST met him a year ago and he hasn't been very nice to be around. I don't have that bond with him, I didn't know him as a cute sweet baby, I am not his parent and will never feel like you do. I care about him as your child and you can't expect more"
He understood it better when I explained it that way to him.
Quoting newwife1:It's not evil to not love someone. It's ridiculous to expect someone to love their child like that. If it happens and you end up loving the kid, then great. If not, as long as you are kind and respectful that is all that matters.
My DH had this problem in the beginning. He would tell me he wants me to love his son. I flat out said to him, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel the same way about your son that you do. I JUST met him a year ago and he hasn't been very nice to be around. I don't have that bond with him, I didn't know him as a cute sweet baby, I am not his parent and will never feel like you do. I care about him as your child and you can't expect more"
He understood it better when I explained it that way to him.
Perhaps you could explain that you do really care about his children. My SS was 15 when I came into his life and while I really do love him (it's been almost 9 years now) - it's not the same kind of love I have for my 2 yr old daughter. Before I was a mom - I didn't even understand that I could love her so much more than I'm capable of loving my SS. It's just different. I would recommend telling him that you do love his children. You admit you do - I would avoid the conversation about how MUCH you love them. It really shouldn't matter as long as you are trying and you aren't being mean to them - and you do care. As for the adult daughter - I think it's cruel that he allows her to behave that way to you and doesn't correct her. I think it's wrong that he expects you to sit there and take that type of abuse. He's supposed to be there for you and he shouldn't allow her to behave that way. It's disrespectful. Maybe if he thought a little more about that - he would be a little more understanding about the way you feel about his children. Stay strong and don't let yourself be abused.
the most she will say is she will have my kids when I die and daddy.
DH's SD11 keeps saying how DD8's Daddy is gonna take her away from us and we'll never have to see her again. Where this came from I'll never know-esp after DH and I have both told her many times that neither SS OR DD will be leaving this house against their will. DH told her if anything were to happen to me HE would be keeping DD-even though he's not her bio dad. SD11 wasn't too happy about that answer.
Your SD's delusional living in her own world. Seriously. I'd avoid her. YOu don't HAVE to love his kids. Don't put yourself down over it. Really. If he wants to make you feel like shit then HE"S the asshole for forcing you to love his kids.
My DH told me the same thing-how I ignore his SD and keep her uninvolved with our activities. yep I do ignore her-because of her behavior and the way she treats me and the other kids-why would I want to be around her?!
Quoting Tarac1012:Perhaps you could explain that you do really care about his children. My SS was 15 when I came into his life and while I really do love him (it's been almost 9 years now) - it's not the same kind of love I have for my 2 yr old daughter. Before I was a mom - I didn't even understand that I could love her so much more than I'm capable of loving my SS. It's just different. I would recommend telling him that you do love his children. You admit you do - I would avoid the conversation about how MUCH you love them. It really shouldn't matter as long as you are trying and you aren't being mean to them - and you do care. As for the adult daughter - I think it's cruel that he allows her to behave that way to you and doesn't correct her. I think it's wrong that he expects you to sit there and take that type of abuse. He's supposed to be there for you and he shouldn't allow her to behave that way. It's disrespectful. Maybe if he thought a little more about that - he would be a little more understanding about the way you feel about his children. Stay strong and don't let yourself be abused.
What could DH do?
- findingserenity
on May. 2, 2012 at 7:58 AM