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Dad won't parent, makes excuses

Posted by on May. 2, 2012 at 10:11 AM
  • 46 Replies

How do I get my husband to parent his child? We've only been married 6 months. He gained custody of his now 12 year old son just before we married. We talked about parenting and I thought we were on the same page but we're not. We did not live together before we married. Hubby is passive--ignores issues or makes excuses for his son's disrespect and attitude ("He's joking" or "It's his hormones"). Hubby cleans the boy's room, does his laundry, cooks his food and still packs his school backpack every morning. The son is anti-social, spending all of his time at home in his room, with the door shut and locked, playing on his computer and his TV is on 24/7; he has become very destructive when he's angry; he has a severe speech impediment and seems very immature for his age. Hubby took him to counseling twice (at my insistence) then gave up. My son and daughter are in their 20s so having a pre-teen is a challenge in and of itself, but a difficult one with issues is making me crazy. Do I need to take a sledge-hammer to Hubby? Do I take charge: "My Way Or The Highway"? I am on the verge of asking him to leave but the boy needs help. His mother lives in another state and she's another story altogether.

by on May. 2, 2012 at 10:11 AM
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Replies (1-10):
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on May. 2, 2012 at 10:13 AM

Have you tried talking to him that his parenting skills are different now then they were before?  If he doesn't acknowledge that and do something about it there is nothing you can do.

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on May. 2, 2012 at 10:19 AM
1 mom liked this
OK, so he parents his son differently. Not what you expected. Back talk and jokes - it does seem like typical behavior for a teen. Perhaps DHs way is just as effective as yours, just different? Why does he have to parent the way you did?

How long have you known this kid? Is he getting in trouble t school? How are his grades? Does he have an EC? What happened with mom?

I think you need to do a little more observing and less judgement.
sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on May. 2, 2012 at 10:34 AM

This.  And the "my way, or the highway" attitude isn't going to work, especially if dad doesn't think there's anything wrong with how he parents his son.  12 IS a difficult age, my twin SDs are 11 and one is going throught the defiant back-talk stage right NOW!  lol  I'm strict as well, fiance' is a little more relaxed.  The way I see it, either parenting personality is going to be met with defiance at around that age.  So what dad is doing might not be the wrong way to go about it.  Especially if there's really not a lot of conflict outside of the occasional snarky remark or smart-ass comment.

Quoting pdxmum:

OK, so he parents his son differently. Not what you expected. Back talk and jokes - it does seem like typical behavior for a teen. Perhaps DHs way is just as effective as yours, just different? Why does he have to parent the way you did?

How long have you known this kid? Is he getting in trouble t school? How are his grades? Does he have an EC? What happened with mom?

I think you need to do a little more observing and less judgement.


stepmom0504
by on May. 2, 2012 at 10:38 AM

Thanks. Good points.

stepmom0504
by on May. 2, 2012 at 10:39 AM

I've talked until I'm blue in the face. Hubby agrees with everything I say then doesn't change. And I DO try to get HIM to talk to ME. I ask "What did your dad do when you _________"? 

EmilyMarshall
by on May. 2, 2012 at 10:40 AM
bump


stepmom0504
by on May. 2, 2012 at 10:41 AM

He's been at trouble in school and some of his grades are bad. I "get" parenting styles being different. 

stepmom0504
by on May. 2, 2012 at 10:54 AM

To pdxmum: What's an EC? His mother lives in a different state and I am in close contact with her. It's difficult because I don't want to "tell" on Hubby. And I'm not just talking about different parenting styles. Do your kids have a TV in their bedrooms? Do they leave their TV on 24/7? Is the computer their ONLY source of activity after school and on weekends? I don't know anyone who would agree that's okay. I can take a certain amount of smart-mouthing as "normal" for the age, but this boy shows little to no respect. I could go on and on about what I've done to forge a relationship. The only thing he's learned from me, which may be the best thing he's learned, is that I mean what I say.

yesmaam
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 10:54 AM

 Well, calling him "the boy" is like calling him it....kinda sad. But to the point, if BM is nowhere in the pic, if DH enjoys cleaning his room and wiping his butt, then let DH deal with it. I guess you wouldn't know if there's something else wrong with him b/c DH won't take him to counseling. Are you legally allowed to get with his teacher/school counselor and discuss some of this?

yesmaam
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 10:57 AM

 Well he's been taught this is okay for 12 years, its gonna take some time before he grows out of it with your example and persistence. I would also agree getting him into some kind of extra curricular (EC) is a great idea

Quoting stepmom0504:

To pdxmum: What's an EC? His mother lives in a different state and I am in close contact with her. It's difficult because I don't want to "tell" on Hubby. And I'm not just talking about different parenting styles. Do your kids have a TV in their bedrooms? Do they leave their TV on 24/7? Is the computer their ONLY source of activity after school and on weekends? I don't know anyone who would agree that's okay. I can take a certain amount of smart-mouthing as "normal" for the age, but this boy shows little to no respect. I could go on and on about what I've done to forge a relationship. The only thing he's learned from me, which may be the best thing he's learned, is that I mean what I say.

 

You call me a bitch like it's a bad thing

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