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Dad won't parent, makes excuses

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How do I get my husband to parent his child? We've only been married 6 months. He gained custody of his now 12 year old son just before we married. We talked about parenting and I thought we were on the same page but we're not. We did not live together before we married. Hubby is passive--ignores issues or makes excuses for his son's disrespect and attitude ("He's joking" or "It's his hormones"). Hubby cleans the boy's room, does his laundry, cooks his food and still packs his school backpack every morning. The son is anti-social, spending all of his time at home in his room, with the door shut and locked, playing on his computer and his TV is on 24/7; he has become very destructive when he's angry; he has a severe speech impediment and seems very immature for his age. Hubby took him to counseling twice (at my insistence) then gave up. My son and daughter are in their 20s so having a pre-teen is a challenge in and of itself, but a difficult one with issues is making me crazy. Do I need to take a sledge-hammer to Hubby? Do I take charge: "My Way Or The Highway"? I am on the verge of asking him to leave but the boy needs help. His mother lives in another state and she's another story altogether.

by on May. 2, 2012 at 10:11 AM
Replies (41-46):
thatislife
by on May. 2, 2012 at 5:07 PM
Quoting stepmom0504:



Then that sounds like a marital problem. Will your dh go to counseling ?
JacyB
by Bronze Member on May. 2, 2012 at 6:12 PM
Seconding a request for examples.

Quoting whatIknownow:

ok, can you give an example of something the boy did that you didnt' like?


Quoting stepmom0504:

I don't mind what he does for his son...you misunderstand. (And no way would I do it for him.) I was drawing a comparison between how much he does tangibly for his son, yet when it comes to the intangibles, he does nothing. Dad has been in the room when his son has been disrespectful and downright insulting to me and says nothing...and YES, I have addressed that with Dad...to no avail or I wouldn't be here.


Quoting thatislife:

I really didn't think about it that way but I guess you are right.  The bd is taking care of the child, not leaving the room a mess or the laundry undone or expecting sm to do it all.  My Mom did our laundry clear through high school.


Quoting whatIknownow:


It sounds to me like your parenting styles are just very different.  If your DH is cleaning his room, doing his laundry, etc.  he is parenting. It's not like he's leaving all that work for you, which  often happens.


Many teenage boys spend their time exactly the same way your SS does, so I don't think you should assume there is something wrong with him. There's also nothing wrong with being immature for his age, since he is only 12, and will probably catch up to his peers.


Why not just let him handle things his way for his child? As  long as you are not doing the work, what's the harm?





Posted on CafeMom Mobile
packermomof2
by on May. 2, 2012 at 6:18 PM


Quoting stepmom0504:

Hubby is passive--ignores issues or makes excuses for his son's disrespect and attitude ("He's joking" or "It's his hormones") I allow my kids to get away with some things that others consider disrespectful while not allowing some things that others don't consider disrespectful.  Maybe your husband just has different ideas about what is disrespectful. Hubby cleans the boy's room, I do this sometimes for my kids does his laundry, cooks his food and still packs his school backpack every morning and I do this pretty much all the time for my kids.  My daughter is about to turn 11 and I don't foresee myself not cooking for her when she turns 12.. 

he has become very destructive when he's angry; he has a severe speech impediment and seems very immature for his age. Hubby took him to counseling twice (at my insistence) then gave up. My son and daughter are in their 20s so having a pre-teen is a challenge in and of itself, but a difficult one with issues is making me crazy. Do I need to take a sledge-hammer to Hubby? Do I take charge: "My Way Or The Highway"? I am on the verge of asking him to leave but the boy needs help. His mother lives in another state and she's another story altogether.

I'd leave before I took charge to get another person to parent their children the way I wanted them parented.


stepmom0504
by Member on May. 3, 2012 at 8:32 AM


Quoting packermomof2:


Quoting stepmom0504:

Hubby is passive--ignores issues or makes excuses for his son's disrespect and attitude ("He's joking" or "It's his hormones") I allow my kids to get away with some things that others consider disrespectful while not allowing some things that others don't consider disrespectful.  Maybe your husband just has different ideas about what is disrespectful. Hubby cleans the boy's room, I do this sometimes for my kids does his laundry, cooks his food and still packs his school backpack every morning and I do this pretty much all the time for my kids.  My daughter is about to turn 11 and I don't foresee myself not cooking for her when she turns 12.. 

he has become very destructive when he's angry; he has a severe speech impediment and seems very immature for his age. Hubby took him to counseling twice (at my insistence) then gave up. My son and daughter are in their 20s so having a pre-teen is a challenge in and of itself, but a difficult one with issues is making me crazy. Do I need to take a sledge-hammer to Hubby? Do I take charge: "My Way Or The Highway"? I am on the verge of asking him to leave but the boy needs help. His mother lives in another state and she's another story altogether.

I'd leave before I took charge to get another person to parent their children the way I wanted them parented.


I appreciate all of the comments posted here, even the harsh ones, and you have all caused me to think. Obviously, I was not prepared to take on another child at this stage in life. Perhaps you're right...only I can't leave. I own the place. I would have to ask him to leave and that wouldn't be fair. So...I am going to go to counseling myself and find out how I can change to make this a better situation. Then I will ask him to join me.

stepmom0504
by Member on May. 3, 2012 at 8:37 AM


Quoting JacyB:

Seconding a request for examples.

Quoting whatIknownow:

ok, can you give an example of something the boy did that you didnt' like?


Quoting stepmom0504:

I don't mind what he does for his son...you misunderstand. (And no way would I do it for him.) I was drawing a comparison between how much he does tangibly for his son, yet when it comes to the intangibles, he does nothing. Dad has been in the room when his son has been disrespectful and downright insulting to me and says nothing...and YES, I have addressed that with Dad...to no avail or I wouldn't be here.


Quoting thatislife:

I really didn't think about it that way but I guess you are right.  The bd is taking care of the child, not leaving the room a mess or the laundry undone or expecting sm to do it all.  My Mom did our laundry clear through high school.


Quoting whatIknownow:


It sounds to me like your parenting styles are just very different.  If your DH is cleaning his room, doing his laundry, etc.  he is parenting. It's not like he's leaving all that work for you, which  often happens.


Many teenage boys spend their time exactly the same way your SS does, so I don't think you should assume there is something wrong with him. There's also nothing wrong with being immature for his age, since he is only 12, and will probably catch up to his peers.


Why not just let him handle things his way for his child? As  long as you are not doing the work, what's the harm?





The main thing is the disrespectful way he speaks to both of us. I address it when it's directed at me. Please see my previous comment. I am finished with this post. Thank you all very much.

stepmom0504
by Member on May. 3, 2012 at 8:38 AM


Quoting thatislife:

Quoting stepmom0504:



Then that sounds like a marital problem. Will your dh go to counseling ?

I don't know what you tried to quote but I am going to go to counseling alone to see how I can change to make this a better situation. Then I will ask him to join me.

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