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Have any of you SMs had to completely cut yourself off from an adult SC? Advice on how you handle the situation needed.

Some of you may recognize my situation as I have written about it here a few times.  I have struggled with the problems I have had with my SS for two years and nothing I have tried has helped the situation.  The last straw with him came when he refused my "olive branch of peace" the weekend of my father-in-law's death and when he shunned my at the funeral (he turned his back on me in the pallbearers line rather than shake my hand like he did the rest of the family, etc).  So, after many conversations with my therapist, tears, attempts to talk with my DH (a major conflict avoider and obviously NO help to me), I decided with my therapist's blessing to simply be done with SS.  The therapist agrees that I have done all I can to make peace and if SS is so immature (age 24) and really a jerk (she used more "therapy type words," as to refuse my efforts, then I have done all I can.  She also agreed that this situation is hurting me emotionally and that from now on all I need to do if I am around him at a family gathering is to be polite, i.e. "hello" etc.   My question for you is, have any of you had to deal with this type situation and how did you handle it?  I am nervous and afraid my DH will force me to be around SS (his birthday is coming in a couple of months).  I don't want to be the reason DH and SS are apart although honestly SS never calls DH except on his birthday and Father's Day.  Maybe I just need some reassurance.  Help anyway, advice?  This is a new mindset for me.

by on May. 2, 2012 at 10:32 AM
Replies (11-18):
DixieL
by Bronze Member on May. 3, 2012 at 11:33 AM
1 mom liked this

Your therapist is right. You have done all you can. Now it's his turn. If he can see that you are done with him and you are not going to try anymore he might come around. He knows what he is putting you through and I think he is enjoying it. At his birthday party ignore him. Don't say hi or happy birthday. Just pretend he isn't there for awhile and see if he comes around

melissa632
by Member on May. 3, 2012 at 11:34 AM
I have completely shut my sd20 out. After all the shit I went through with her teen years (while dh sat back & did nothing) & then I reopened my home to her last year & it was the same bullshit, I'm DONE. She's not even allowed to visit. Dh can go to her house if he wants to see her.
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Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on May. 3, 2012 at 6:59 PM


So your DH doesn't give you a hard time about your refusal to allow SD in your home  (since it is his home too)?  He doesn't try to change your mind or convince you that things will get better if you allow them to?  That's what I keep facing.
Quoting melissa632:

I have completely shut my sd20 out. After all the shit I went through with her teen years (while dh sat back & did nothing) & then I reopened my home to her last year & it was the same bullshit, I'm DONE. She's not even allowed to visit. Dh can go to her house if he wants to see her.


melissa632
by Member on May. 3, 2012 at 8:50 PM
No. Things were quite bad & he realizes it a bit better now. I will never 'not allow him to see or speak to her'. She just will not come here. We are in agreement on this. If you would like to pm me, I will explain better.

Quoting Seychelles1409:



So your DH doesn't give you a hard time about your refusal to allow SD in your home  (since it is his home too)?  He doesn't try to change your mind or convince you that things will get better if you allow them to?  That's what I keep facing.
Quoting melissa632:

I have completely shut my sd20 out. After all the shit I went through with her teen years (while dh sat back & did nothing) & then I reopened my home to her last year & it was the same bullshit, I'm DONE. She's not even allowed to visit. Dh can go to her house if he wants to see her.


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stepdiva
by Bronze Member on May. 3, 2012 at 9:23 PM
1 mom liked this
As I read these posts, I am amazed at how familiar it all sounds. My DH is overly protective but expects me to be the glue, with his conditions.
But each post sounds like the same person when referring to DH. Isn't there a common theme here, aside from guilt? Interesting. The dads are all passive aggressive. My DH is, to be sure.
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stepdiva
by Bronze Member on May. 3, 2012 at 9:31 PM
1 mom liked this
And thanks for pointing out that these father child relationships are theirs to nurture, not ours. On some level I knew that, but I am and have been a slave to keeping the peace while trying to assert my idea of what boundaries work for me. The kids are grown now but there are still holidays and birthdays. I do not have a genuinely warm and fuzzy relationship with them, but we all made the attempt before. Now that they are gone on their own its patently obvious. I'm not hurt or bothered by that. I'm relieved that I don't have to do that anymore.
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SheChu
by on May. 3, 2012 at 11:45 PM

So sorry to hear you are going through that.  This is a very familiar "hurt".  It's hard to handle when it seems the SS can launch an offensive with no negative emotional implications for him.  What a lack of manners.  Don't let someone so void of empathy control your feelings.  I go thru this mean and hurtful sort of actions a lot with 3 adult SK's.  I often imagine if I were in a room of people chosing friends would I step around this person?  And then that's how I handle these scenarios.  Elect in the moment to not engage your feelings for someone not worthy.  Maybe next time if they don't get the emotional response they were looking for they will stop trying this behavior out on you. 

stepdiva
by Bronze Member on May. 8, 2012 at 10:22 PM

Thank you for the insight. 

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